Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

Greetings,

This is my first post to this forum so it will be a bit difficult for me to write about my experience. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life. I thought at University for 25 years until my retirement. Over the past couple of years I have been experiencing very disturbing intrusive sexual thoughts involving past relationships that occurred when I was in my 20s. Two weeks ago I was harassed incessantly with these thoughts that have cause severe sleep disturbances. My bed has become a chamber of horrors. These thoughts will continue over and over and over until I think I'm going insane and can only be relieved through masterbation which causes extreme guilt which leads to more depression and anxiety. I'll be alright for a while but my anxiety will lead me to fear waiting the the next shoe to drop. I have a strong religious belief which increases the guilt. I have a very understanding priest which I have discussed some of these issues but I don't believe that he truly understands; in fact, I don't believe anyone can truly understand who hasn't actually experienced it.

My anxiety also manifests itself it other areas. We live in the country so I have to drive some 20 miles to a store when I need something. I can do it but it leaves me exhausted; in short I don't like to travel. I have tried to cultivate friendships at church; they last for a while but eventually they leave and other than the usual niceties they wan't nothing to do with me. I could sit here for a year and wouldn't hear from any of them. That leads to depression since I feel I must have done something wrong or they believe that I am some kind of sicko although my wife tells me that I have not acted strangely with any of them. There are a couple of people who know that I have struggled with mental health issues and my guess is that this has been bandied about and subsequently has led to a bit of paranoia. What a life. In addition to my education I also have a lot of other skills: carpentry, electrical, plumbing for which I was able to completely redo the inside of our home. I also am a skilled portrait artist and have even had showings of my work at galleries. But, alas, I suppose all this has nothing to do with anything when I comes to dealing with ODC. I mention these things for the simple reason that despite all of this I still consider myself a worthless lout. I have felt this way all my life. What to do. Despite the medication I take, which incidentally works quite well, it still is not a "cure all" since these events still continue. This is a bloody awful business. Anyway, that pretty much the lot of it.

Lechyd da! [Good health!]