Guilt over viewing (legal) paraphilia material online

A few years ago at the end of my teens I discovered websites full of sexual fiction. I read some from the weirdest and most taboo categories because I was morbidly curious, which included a few about p**dophilia. I checked that I wasn't breaking any laws, and there are none in this country about reading stories. I would just browse around stories of all types and usually end up too disgusted or bored to carry on. Usually I'd end up on those websites through googling sexual terms out of curiosity. On the occasions when I was actually doing it for sexual reasons and looking for something arousing I would only look at stories about people around my age or older, and even then it was a rare bonus to find something I particularly enjoyed.

I didn't derive any pleasure from the stories about paraphilias but I would sometimes feel a sensation in my groin (more like uncomfortable aching than anything else) and I did start to become paranoid that I was a sexual deviant and was "into" all that stuff. I don't know if the term POCD is even accurate here because I never questioned my feelings towards actual children, just the stories. In hindsight the fact that I wasn't attracted to children and was completely disgusted and angered by any adult abusing one should have made it obvious I had nothing to worry about. But I would still think "why did I read those stories, maybe I'm completely messed up". This applied to all the other paraphilias I had read about like bestiality, incest and watersports. I would occasionally go back to the stories from all of those categories as a form of "checking" and it would always cause my anxiety and groinal responses to dissipate because I would end up disgusted and want to stop reading. I would then be able to put it to the back of my mind for a while and rest assured.

I haven't read anything of that nature in at least a couple of years now. I almost completely forgot about it for a while and stopped thinking too far into it.

But then I was getting rid of a bunch of old phones and computer equipment and started remembering what I used to look at. I took to the internet and started checking again that written sexual material involving minors is legal. It is, but I've seen a lot of people mistakenly state that it's illegal and classed as C.P. here. I also found out it is classed as C.P. in a lot of countries and people have been arrested and become registered sex offenders for having it in their web history. I've also seen mentions of politicians in my country suggesting that the law should be changed, meaning the same could happen to people viewing it here.

All of the above send me into a blind panic. I suddenly feel like I came ridiculously close to being a sex offender. I know I was just looking out of curiosity, I only ever read a handful of those stories, and I never would have read any if it had been against the law. But the fact is I did something that would be classed in some countries as "viewing C.P." and may be classed as such in this country one day. It may not have directly involved any abuse, but it was still created by and for people who actually had desires towards children. How can I forgive myself for that?

I still "check" that it's legal on a near-daily basis even though I've seen multiple politicians and lawyers confirm that it is. I've even tried contacting a lawyer to ask if I could get in trouble. The only way anyone could find out I ever read that stuff is if data was recovered from an old and very broken phone I sent to be recycled weeks ago, or if someone saw my posts on this forum or my search history (which I scrub regularly for that reason). I think I only saw stories featuring minors around 3 times on that old phone, mostly by accident (clicking on a link without really knowing what it was) and mostly so long ago that it must have been deleted and overwritten. But I still worry about it on a daily basis. I strain my mind trying to figure out if I'm remembering correctly, and wait for someone to knock on my door and arrest me.

I also worry constantly about what other people would think if they found out. My reasons for doing it are so difficult to explain, they don't sound believable and I know no one would care and the assumption would be that I actually was the p-word. I see discussions where people say they would disown anyone who became a registered sex offender or was found to have viewed C.P. If I was in another country with different laws, or the law were to have changed here without me knowing, that could have been me! How do I live with that?

Even 6 months ago I used to think my one redeeming feature was being a fairly good person with sound morals. I don't believe any of that anymore. Can I ever forget about this and feel normal again? Do I deserve to?