So confused (HOCD)

Can HOCD convince you that you are really attracted to the same sex when you're not?
That's where my mindset is at the moment, I feel like I have all this evidence towards me being straight (ie, sexual arousal towards women since young age, crushes on girls, fantasising about relationships with them etc.), but my brain just makes me doubt it all and I feel convinced that I have forced it all and really I'm just gay.

I also can't stop analysing my past, I used to have this fetish that got me aroused whenever both sexes were involved but it always excited me more when girls were involved and I'm pretty sure it aroused me more as well, but my brain tells me that I preferred it with dudes.

But the absolute worst thing is the groinal responses.
I keep getting groinals over dudes.. Doesn't matter if it's sex related or whatever, I just see a dude and I get a groinal response.. Usually it's a tingle, or it feels like the start of an erection, but it's nothing like the typical hard-on I get for a girl.
But it's worse when I'm masturbating.. The case use to be that I would masturbate over a girl, I'd think of a dude to test, and the my erection goes down or I simply can't finish, but now I feel as if I can start masturbating over girls, switch to dudes and still finish.
I try masturbating over dudes exclusively, but I can't get a full-on erection.. I try and I try, but it won't budge.. I feel some sensation, and probably some movement but it never grows near to the size of what I would get over a girl.
I feel as if I have to be in a very certain mindset to get an erection over a dude, but I stay in that mindset and it's still the same.. I just can't get hard over dudes.

Sometimes I worry that my erections over girls are groinal responses and instead my slight sensations for men are real indications of sexual arousal.
But that's just ridiculous.

So why do I still feel convinced that I'm gay?
Is it possible that I've got some sort of mental block that stops me getting aroused over guys?
Does the past (specifically childhood) matter when it comes to sexual orientation?

Broseph wrote:Can HOCD convince you that you are really attracted to the same sex when you're not?

No. It can confuse you, but it can convince you (i.e change your orientation).

Broseph wrote:That's where my mindset is at the moment, I feel like I have all this evidence towards me being straight (ie, sexual arousal towards women since young age, crushes on girls, fantasising about relationships with them etc.), but my brain just makes me doubt it all and I feel convinced that I have forced it all and really I'm just gay.

That's anxiety for you. Logic goes one way, and anxiety goes the other way. Doubt is the mechanism.

Broseph wrote:But the absolute worst thing is the groinal responses.
I keep getting groinals over dudes.. Doesn't matter if it's sex related or whatever, I just see a dude and I get a groinal response.. Usually it's a tingle, or it feels like the start of an erection, but it's nothing like the typical hard-on I get for a girl.
But it's worse when I'm masturbating.. The case use to be that I would masturbate over a girl, I'd think of a dude to test, and the my erection goes down or I simply can't finish, but now I feel as if I can start masturbating over girls, switch to dudes and still finish.
I try masturbating over dudes exclusively, but I can't get a full-on erection.. I try and I try, but it won't budge.. I feel some sensation, and probably some movement but it never grows near to the size of what I would get over a girl.
I feel as if I have to be in a very certain mindset to get an erection over a dude, but I stay in that mindset and it's still the same.. I just can't get hard over dudes.

Checking groinal responses is completely unreliable. When anxiety is present is can change and confuse the responses we get physically. Stop checking in all aspects of your life. This is not a way to prove anything.

Sometimes I worry that my erections over girls are groinal responses and instead my slight sensations for men are real indications of sexual arousal.
But that's just ridiculous.

Yes, it is ridiculous. But anxiety makes us think we are missing something. But sexual desire is not subtle.

So why do I still feel convinced that I'm gay?
Is it possible that I've got some sort of mental block that stops me getting aroused over guys?
Does the past (specifically childhood) matter when it comes to sexual orientation?

These are different questions with different meanings. I don't think you are convinced you are gay. If you were, you wouldn't be here. It sounds like you are fearing you are gay.

Mental block? Doubtful. It is true that some people can suppress urges, but the complexities of their situation is much different than yours.

If you are saying that the past creates sexual orientation, for the most part - no. You are born with your sexual orientation.

Otter.

Thank you for your reply, I think I feel a bit better, but maybe I'm just used to the anxiety now.

The only reason I mention childhood is because people usually say that puberty is when sexual attraction starts, but I used to get sexually aroused when I was a kid, and I have been aroused by both men and women in the past..
Well, not aroused BY men, it was more or less part of a fetish I had/have.
Typically, certain things that caught my attention as a child involved women, such as seeing them tied up, and seeing their feet.
I think the main reason it aroused me with dudes was because the act aroused me but I had only ever seen it with males involved. In fact, I'm not even sure if it actually did arouse me.
But when I eventually saw it with women involved, it aroused and excited me a lot more than it did with dudes, to a point where it was pretty much an obsession for a while.

But now I question if I really enjoyed it more with dudes and really I'm gay, but surely all this would imply I'm at least a little bit bisexual.
I just wonder if something like this is important when analysing one's sexual orientation.
I hear that teens can get aroused by anything, but I was only aroused by girls during then, so is childhood all that different?
Then again, my girlfriend told me that she knew someone who used to get erections over worms on the ground, so I guess that should indicate something

I guess I just have an all-or-nothing way of thinking.

Seriously, you have a girlfriend and you worry about being gay?

I love HOCD posts on this forum. Despite the HOCD sufferer being involved with the opposite sex, thoughts about "changed orientation" or being gay are present. Just shows the true nature of this illogical disorder.

Yeah, it sucks.
Well, when I first started obsessing about over a year ago, I was still single. Then I thought it went away, got a girlfriend, and then it came back.
I feel bad for her, because I haven't really had a sex drive. But obviously my mind says that I'm just not attracted to her, therefore I'm not attracted to girls.

It also tells me that I've never wanted to be with girls and only did it because I thought I should.
But in my years as a desperate, horny teen, I so badly wanted a girlfriend, so yeah guess that solves that doubt.