Depression, HOCD, GAD....

Hi people. I am 21 yo and I'm lost.
I'd had HOCD since I was 16 yo starting with my brother making a joke that I was gay. Now I am to the point I know for a fact this is all HOCD causing these thoughts and feelings but I simply cannot stand the fact that I have to endure all these problems when I am chilling with my friends. I feel disgusted and dirty all the time as my mind makes me experience thoughts like "what if you will kiss him now", "touch his penis" etc etc. I do not have a ritual as far as i'm concerned all I know is that I wanna be alone and not experience these thoughts. My girlfriend and I just broke up a week ago and that made me get into a big depressive episode.

I have no one to be around with and feel comfortable with. I feel comfortable with girls cause I do not experience intrusive thoughts with them. Well I do have sexual thought with them but I do not mind them at all and they feel good and pleasurable. The problem is so big that I do not wanna go to my male friends or be close to any male in particular it messes me up so bad. I do not have any girl friends to hang out with so I feel so alone.

I also have anxiety all the time since I sometimes lose some urine cause of pelvic floor dysfunctioning. And I worry about my future and feel tired and depressed like all the time.

Does anyone know what I can/should do to atleast try and have a life? Is there hope for these thoughts to fade away? Should I get meds? I FEEL SO HOPELESS

hi, i'm sorry you're feeling depressed. hang in there. things can get better. you said in your post that you have had hocd since you were 16? so it has been 5 years and it's getting worse? if so, i'd urge you to seek treatment with a mental health professional. because it seems like depression plays a huge role in your issues. in the meantime, you need to stop looking for a sign whether you could be a gay or not and try to expose yourself to your fears. hangout with your male friends, your fears won't make you gay. but do not analyze when the thought comes like 'what will you kiss him now'' and so on. don't analyze them... they are just thoughts. just let it be there. but don't trust them. analyzing will only make your fears and anxiety worse. i hope things will progress for you