I think I have HOCD, or do I? HELP

Okay, here me out.

So all throughout my life (I'm 22 - and a girl), I have always been interested in men. I fantasized about men had major crushes, and so on. However, I've never actually dated anyone. I was very school & career oriented growing up, and now that I'm working a job that I love, I have sort of remained that way. I also went through a huge phase of being depressed and that also stopped me from wanting to look for a significant other. But like I've said, I have always been interested.

5 months ago, a though popped into my head. Am I gay? Everyone questions their sexuality right? Am I? Well I began to obsess over that thought. Also, let me add that while I don't have major OCD, I do have some OCD tendencies (I have had unwanted thoughts or behaviors). Well my sexuality was something I began to obsess over. I tried to imagine myself being with another woman and got sick to my stomach. I would tell myself, "oh, you've never been into girls, and you're 22, why would that change all of a sudden"

Well a part of this obsession also includes reading all of these forums about people being in denial about their sexuality. I finally read one about HOCD and found that a bunch of symptoms that fit mine (having OCD tendencies, being sure of one's sexuality, being uncomfortable around being of the same gender, wanting to be with the opposite gender really badly) and I was happy to learn that there are others going through what I am going through. Being aware of this, I started to meditate and remember that facts are facts and that fiction is fiction. Now, when I get these thoughts about a women, I'm sort of numb to it and I'm able to move back on to (comfortably) fantasizing about being with a man.

Well, now I'm freaked out again. Because I'm now numb to these unwanted thoughts (instead of being sick to my stomach), am I actually in denial about my sexuality? I have never had sex and I would like to wait till I'm married - but I don't want to marry someone of the wrong gender. I don't know what to do. Does it sounds like I have/had HOCD and am slowly overcoming it, or have I just been in denial this entire time. WHAT SHOULD I DO

Hi mate!

You sound like the female version of me! I'm a 23 year old boy who suffers from this chaotic sh*t. It is HOCD, your are not gay. I have lusted for girls all my life but the HOCD was so severe that I have a fraction of desire for women - my libido is shot to hell! It is a nightmare! You are not alone and you are straight! I think about living with/marrying a girl, holding her etc and I brings me brief happiness. See if that helps you (its lads for you though hun!) if you want to talk, please let it out and post a reply.