read me please *triggers*

Hello!
I suffered from OCD for 2 years and then treated it with 4 steps by Dr. Scwhartz. I had classic Pure-O - used to be being afraid of becoming a serial killer, of harming my loved ones, of harming someone sexually, of becoming crazy and so on.

And some time ago it got back, it does feel like OCD but I'm not sure it is and it makes suffer even more! Please tell me, is this OCD, I NEEED IT! Because I'm in doubt all day and all night and this is freaking hell, it makes worthless socialy and isolates me from enjoyng life, I just can't stand this and want to end this all by killing myself.

I'm afraid about loosing confidence in myself all the time - It gives me a lot of anxiety. I always say to myself that I won't loose it, but then frightening thoughts pop my head, and this is what they are like, they say: "you used to be so self unsured, and now you gonna live so again", "it's your destiny to be not confident". Thoughts can be real weird, like "What if there's two types of people - confident and not confident, and you can never help being not confident"; "You was lucky to become confident for some time, but now you are going to loose it all".
I became afraid that thoughts like this will really kill my confidence, that I'll loose my ability to protect my interests, or to protect myself (or my love) verbaly or physically. I started to think what if this thoughts are going to make me let my girlfriend down, what if she'll loose the support which is my confidence? What if I'll suddenly become the weak one, what if those thoughts will affect me so much that I'll become a "nerd" in school, everyone will feel this and will harass me, mock me FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

And I drown into the doubts like "You'll stop these thoughts, so they won't affect you and everything's gonna be OK", BUT I CAN'T STOP THEM!

I see the images of being harassed, mocked, of being non-confident in fights and loosing them, you know, the images where I'm total looser, AND THEY JUST KILL ME. I say to myself: "they are not going to happen, you gained your confidence and was doing awesome - you played a lot of succesful concerts in a band, find your best friends, find your loving girlfriend, they know you're not non-confident, why should you worry now?". And I become afraid that these images and thoughts will somehow affect me, I don't want to see and hear them but they just don't stop showing up and I'm always in doubt. I know that I can protect myself if someone wants to beat me (I'm not a fight fanatic or something like that, but a lot of thoughts are about fights), but when I say this to myself my mind goes like: "Well, yeah, you can beat someone like you up, but what if some real huge bodybuilder will mock and hit you, what would you do?". And this thought make me think of situation like that all the day, I doubt myself if I'm the man who's confident and who can achieve his goals or I am weak and should never be confident and that was an error that I used to be confident, that someone loves and/or respects me.

Thoughts always say: "you can't stop this, so you are going to let everyone down and you will be non-confident, you'll never achieve what you want for the rest of your life".

And I always knew that these are just obsessions - like, why should I worry about confidence, nothing really happened and I was doing okay, just living live and when suddenly these thoughts started to pop my head.

They do feel like obsessions - they pop my head, don't go away and make me drown in anxiety and doubt, they always concern my loved once, myself and everything that is important for me. Sometimes I see it clear, when anxiety goes away for minutes, then I go like: "Man, this is just OCD! You treated this crap one time and you will do this again, it's not even a problem, just go for 4 steps!".

But then doubts show up again. Thoughts go like: "Well, it's not OCD, it's something much serious, it's some horrible mental ilness and you will never treat it and will live in this fears for the rest of your life!"

"Have you ever read about obsessions like this? About loosing confidence? No you haven't so it's not OCD! You can't treat it like OCD"

And It messes me up!

Tell me, did you ever fell anything like that and IS THIS OCD?

Please help I NEED YOUR HELP, THANK YOU.