PLEASE help. I can't let go of the past and it's ruining me.

Hi all, I've recently been diagnosed with an OCD/Anxiety hybrid. Pretty fun, huh? I have been going through an episode for about 6 weeks, I've been in therapy for 4.

My OCD right now is focusing on ROCD. I've had other OCD tendencies in the past (e.g., Health Anxiety, checking and re-checking). I met my boyfriend during the summer, we became official in the Fall, and started to fall in love. Nobody makes me happier than he does, which is why my OCD targets our relationship.

I am obsessed with cheating, specifically emotional cheating. I think I obsess over this one particularly because there is no way I can "check" if I did it. I would obviously know if I slept with somebody else, so there is a way to KNOW. I will try to explain this in the most concise way possible.

Before I dated my boyfriend, I dated a colleague of mine. It was never "official" with my colleague (in fact, I slept with other people during the time I dated him and never felt guilty which is weird). Anyway, any kind of physical intimacy with my colleague ended in the summer. We would still flirt and reminisce about old times, but decided ultimately we would be friends. I met my SO a few months later, and then started dating him officially that Fall.

I will admit there were some unresolved feelings for my ex during the courtship with my SO, but they stopped once SO and I started to get serious and ultimately decide to be bf/gf. I *knew* I didn't want to be with my ex (even during the courtship), but I still felt for him as a friend. IDK, it was very confusing.

**HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PIECE I'M SEEKING ADVICE FOR**

After all this was said and done, I started to push my ex further and further away (even before my SO and I became official). When my SO and I became official, I knew that I had to put this friendship in a box and that's what I intended to do. There were no sexual texts or "i miss yous" or anything like that anymore at all. I started treating him like a brother (and told him multiple times I see him as a brother). I always talked positively of SO around him. I never tried to hide my relationship with SO around him. I still deeply cared for my ex as a friend and a colleague, but never wanted to jeopardize my relationship with my SO one bit.

I would text my ex about what I did on the weekends, which included hanging out with my SO. Eventually he told me to stop doing that because it made him feel bad. Honestly, I was shocked because I thought we were friends. I asked him if he still wanted to be friends and he said yes. So, I didn't change my behavior. I would text him funny pictures and joke around still. Strike one.

A few weeks after that, he told me that he felt inappropriate saying this, but he missed me. I told him that "It was hard for me too, but I moved on and so should you!" And then asked him if he wants to talk about this further. He said no. Again, I didn't change my behavior and still was his friend and confided in him about work issues. He would flirt with me quite often and I would either banter back (not explicitly flirt), change the subject, or say "lol." Strike two.

A month after that he told me AGAIN he still had feelings for me. I asked him if he wanted me to distance myself and he said yes and that we can't talk as much anymore. I told him that again, he needs to move on. I told him that kinda bummed me out since we need to see each other every day, and I honestly did like talking with him and seeking his advice with work. Strike three.

Long story short, I quit my job. He texted me a month later telling me he's still heartbroken over me. At this point, I had enough and told him we can no longer be friends. We haven't talked since. I was VERY proud with how I handled this and knew I was making the right choice. I had never been happier!

Unfortunately, this triggered my OCD. I started to think I led him on on purpose by not shutting down his advances sooner. I beat myself up like crazy and convinced myself I'm this cheating manipulator. Then, came the urge to confess. I told my SO that I had dated my colleague (he didn't know previously, but knew we were friends) and that I may have led him on, and he got inappropriate. SO understood and was totally OK with it.

Now my mind is going nuts going, "Did I tell him EVERYTHING, does he understand EVERYTHING?" "Should I tell him about the texts were I would innocently banter back?" "Do I tell him I still had a little bit of feelings when we first started dating unofficially?" "Did I emotionally cheat by talking to my ex about work and seeking support when things got bad at work?" "Did I make myself out to be the victim here to look better to my SO?"

There was one text I'm ruminating on where me and my colleague got in a fight and I texted him, "I can never stay mad! <3" I didn't mean that romantically or sexually. I seek validation and I wanted to be extra nice. But my OCD asks, "Did you mean that romatically?"

Now, my OCD is telling me that I'm lying to myself and I really WAS inappropriate and I'm not telling my therapist the whole story. I can remember all the times I told my ex to buzz off clearly, but I struggle to find anything insanely inappropriate -- so I'm creating false memories.

How can I cope with this? I feel like I'm going nuts and don't deserve my SO. All I did was google "Is it cheating?" all day at work and I'm scared I'm going to get fired because I'm not productive. Nobody understands.

Any insight would be great. Thank you for reading this.