Am I actually just gay?

I'm a female and I'm 18 years old. Iv'e had OCD from around the age of 13 maybe earlier. I think I may be bisexual and have been questioning on and off since I was around 15. I only began to get compulsions a few months ago.

Basically, I get obsessions, compulsions and I do checking behaviors revolving around making sure I'm not a lesbian. e.g. if I don't do (insert random action here) again then I will be a lesbian. Then there are all of the average checking behaviors around 'HOCD' or whatever you want to call it.

I have always identified as straight but as stated above iv'e been questioning since 15. I have kissed both genders around the same amount of times and have had good and bad experiences with both. I have had around 2 crushes on boys in real life but there are a lot of male celebrities I like. I don't have a clue about any crushes on girls because I'm all confused. As a kid I was a tomboy and my 'crushes' on celebrity boys (like Zac Efron in high school musical) were all based on admiration, I guess. I would pretend to be Zac Efron and all the boys I had crushes on and I don't know what that means.

All I know is that I like guys but I do not fear being bi. I want to kiss more girls and maybe even date one but I can't figure out if I'm actually attracted to girls or if it's my OCD tricking me. I have never heard of someone having obsessions, compulsions and checking behaviors to make sure they do not like the same sex but at the same time want to kiss or maybe even date the same sex. If I was gay or bi nobody I know would actually care and as I said the idea of being a lesbian (I know I am not one) or bi doesn't scare me. I'm not bothered either way I just want to know what is going on. I want to know if I am just denying liking girls or not. Also sometimes, when I'm not thinking about it I just carry on my life being straight but then I will see a pretty girl or kiss a girl whilst drunk and question everything again but this needs to stop but I just can't figure it out.

Please help me. I'm just about ready to rip my hair out. Thanks if you answer.

nobody?

Hi, Kayb14
No, you're not gay. it's HOCD. If you remember being straight and all the crushes you had, you're NOT gay. HOCD causes you to question your sexuality, since in your teenage years, you're developing sexual feelings and teenagers are discovering their true sexuality. I developed HOCD in January and I have had anxiety in the past. I never wanted to experiment with girls, because I find it repulsive and I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. The "gay" thoughts are false, because they are not real. It's just OCD messing with you and giving you false urges, but you're not going to act on them. If you fight against these thoughts, it's going to make you doubt yourself more and bring more stress on your brain. If your OCD starts getting out of control and interrupting your life, you should see a psychiatrist.
Good Luck!

iknowhoiam wrote:Hi, Kayb14
No, you're not gay. it's HOCD. If you remember being straight and all the crushes you had, you're NOT gay. HOCD causes you to question your sexuality, since in your teenage years, you're developing sexual feelings and teenagers are discovering their true sexuality. I developed HOCD in January and I have had anxiety in the past. I never wanted to experiment with girls, because I find it repulsive and I haven't had a boyfriend in a while. The "gay" thoughts are false, because they are not real. It's just OCD messing with you and giving you false urges, but you're not going to act on them. If you fight against these thoughts, it's going to make you doubt yourself more and bring more stress on your brain. If your OCD starts getting out of control and interrupting your life, you should see a psychiatrist.
Good Luck!

But I have acted on it. Many times actually.

Okay, let's try this.
-What are your reactions after kissing a girl?
-Do you feel anxious, have a "butterfly feeling" in the stomach (mistaken for nausea), does your body (hands, legs, etc.) shake and cannot control them?
-Have you ever had "false" images of being a lesbian? Do you freak out?
-Do you have intrusive thoughts? (Ex. "Oh, she's hot!" "am I gay?" "do you want to make out with her?" "you don't like guys, you're gay!") People w/ HOCD find these thoughts repulsive, they panic, and can't control these thoughts, even if they never had a REAL gay thought in their life.
-Do you avoid being around your same-sex friends?
-Do you watch lesbian/gay pornography (past or present) and get turned on? What's your reaction?

HOCD causes you to question your sexuality, IF you never questioned it before in the past and it can occur during teenage years of teens. People already know their sexuality at a young age. I would tell you need to stop kissing if it's making you confused with your sexuality. If you find wanting to date a girl, have sex with one, even marry and it makes you happy, you would be a lesbian. If not, then it's HOCD. Just listen to your heart.

iknowhoiam wrote:Okay, let's try this.
-What are your reactions after kissing a girl?
-Do you feel anxious, have a "butterfly feeling" in the stomach (mistaken for nausea), does your body (hands, legs, etc.) shake and cannot control them?
-Have you ever had "false" images of being a lesbian? Do you freak out?
-Do you have intrusive thoughts? (Ex. "Oh, she's hot!" "am I gay?" "do you want to make out with her?" "you don't like guys, you're gay!") People w/ HOCD find these thoughts repulsive, they panic, and can't control these thoughts, even if they never had a REAL gay thought in their life.
-Do you avoid being around your same-sex friends?
-Do you watch lesbian/gay pornography (past or present) and get turned on? What's your reaction?

HOCD causes you to question your sexuality, IF you never questioned it before in the past and it can occur during teenage years of teens. People already know their sexuality at a young age. I would tell you need to stop kissing if it's making you confused with your sexuality. If you find wanting to date a girl, have sex with one, even marry and it makes you happy, you would be a lesbian. If not, then it's HOCD. Just listen to your heart.

To answer your questions, no i don't get any anxiety after kissing the same sex. I have had intrusive thoughts about being gay. No i don't avoid my same sex friends I actually avoid opposite sex friends more because boys make me uncomfortable. I have watch gay and straight porn and enjoyed both and it doesn't bother me because it's just porn so it doesn't matter. If I fell for a girl I would be Bisexual because I like guys. I am not repulsed by the idea of being with the same sex.

Also are you saying that every person older than me that figures out they are gay are not really gay? People can figure out they are gay at any age.

are you saying that every person older than me that figures out they are gay are not really gay?

No. Sexuality is diffcult concept and there are many possiblities as for being a teenager, since it's the period of developing sexual feelings. I wouldn't diagnose you with HOCD (I'm not a psychiatrist), but just an open-minded straight, since you like guys, but don't mind homosexuality. I would say, "am I interested in dating women and will it make me happy?) to yourself or try imagining being intimate with a female instead on a male. I think the whole idea is making you anxious and OCD is trying to cover it up, since you don't spike about the thoughts.

Thanks for answering:) I don't know if I'm gay or not but I need to learn to be comfortable with that. I'm not looking for a relationship anyway so it doesn't really matter too much haha.

You're welcome ☺