Sexual confusion/HOCD/Denial.

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on this site but I have read many posts as a guest trying to seek some clarity in regards to the unwanted thoughts and feelings that have been an increasing occurrence over the last 6 months or so. I am not sure what to think about myself anymore as what I hope and believe to be HOCD has taken up a lot of my thinking space for most of the 6 months. I would firstly like to point out that I am and always have had a strong addiction to porn, I started masturbating as young as 14 and I'm 26 now, I would do it at least 4 times a week and in high school I'd fake being ill so I could stay at home and do it. I'm not sure if this has played a part in my suspected HOCD.

Ever since I was a young lad I always liked girls, my first crush at primary school was a girl and other various crushes throughout that period where girls, in high school I had 2 girlfriends, one I was with for 1 year and the other we where together for 5 years. I was always so attracted to girls, I love and still do love women, I love the chase, admiring them and getting to know them better. That feeling of meeting an attractive girl and you can tell the feel the same about you is so awesome.

After leaving school in still had no doubt at all about my sexuality until I got a job, I was an apprentice plumber, my superiors gave me a bloody hard time as is the case with most apprentices, however one day they also came to the conclusion that I was gay, like I said before this has never been a doubt in my mind at all. I feel as though a seed of doubt was planted that day, nevertheless I told them where to go and didn't dwell on it too much. Fast forward a few years and a couple of girlfriends later..

I am now a tree surgeon/arborist that have moved to New Zealand with my long term girlfriend of 5 years, a girlfriend that I am 100% devoted to, love, respect and care for.

Anyway one day after finishing work there was this woman in the yard we work from who was known for speaking her mind and belittling people in front of others to make them laugh - a bully basically. She took a notice that I am growing my hair (to get dreadlocks) and she latched onto that and started shouting at me that I'm gay, 'are you gay?' 'You #######1!' 'Youre a gay man' all that crap, anyway this stuck in my mind and ever since then I haven't been able to shake the thought off, I began questioning my entire waking life, searching for evidence that would deem me a homosexual. I could only think of a time when I was younger my mums best friend told me that she thinks I'll be gay when I'm older, which I laughed off knowing deep down that I'm straight, not even deep down I just knew there and then that I was straight.

So the last 6 months have been me worrying, having unwanted sexual thoughts of men in my head, I have also stated to get a groinal response from these thoughts which has really annoyed me. I have tried to watch gay porn too but it just doesn't do anything for me, I see good looking guys in the street and then worry that I was attracted to them, or wanted to sleep with them. I have also neen able to tell when a dude is good looking but that has always been down to admiration and wanting to be like them as apposed to physical attraction.

I just don't know what I should do now, the thoughts are really getting to me now, my girlfriend can tell that my mind is preoccupied and whilst it's not affecting our relationship I fear it may start to. I also think my attraction to women has become weaker but I think it's because I've got other things on my mind.

If I truly was gay I don't think id have a problem coming out to my friends and family, I have the highest respect for everyone regardless of race, creed, sex or sexuality. None of that stuff bothers me. I just know deep down that I'm straight and I want to go back to feeling like that. The gay thoughts make me feel very uncomfortable and id like them to stop.

If anyone can help id be so grateful, I've tried seeing a therapist but he wasn't aware of what HOCD was which was a waste of time.

Do I sound like I'm gay? In denial? HOCD sufferer? I have had very minor OCD in the past but nothing that I've needed therapy for.

I know it's all in the mind, I just need to get it out haha.

Thanks for reading and like I said feel free to comment or message me.

Thank you!

Hey Z -

When I was working in another profession my co-workers were a bunch of racist, homophobic goons. Because I wouldn't say awful things about women, they pegged me as gay. They would constantly make jokes at my expense. At any rate, you seem like a smart guy, so I wont tell you not to pay attention to what they say, but I am sorry it seems to have triggered this latest bit of anxiety...

...and it does sound like good-old anxiety and HOCD symptoms, to me. Too bad you don't have a good therapist who understands the situation.

As you may or may not know, anxiety can cause everything in the body to malfunction. So examining groinal responses as a means of gauging your sexuality is a meaningless endeavor, that will make things worse.

If you have read any of the threads here, then you know our mantra is NO PORN. And watching Gay Porn amounts to Checking, another mantra we have here - NO CHECKING. The reason is, both of these are deceptive; they make you think you are trying to solve a problem when you are actually making it worse.

So, what should you do?

Stop the porn. All of it. Stop checking, which includes purposely looking at guys to see how your body will react. Try not to get into arguments with yourself, trying to defend yourself against intrusive thoughts. Let them be.

Knowing you have had minor OCD-like symptoms before makes me think this may be getting a bit worse now. Maybe there are Psychiatrists in your area that deal with anxiety. At least that might get you some relief. OCD is a symptom of anxiety. If you can find someone who understand anxiety that might work just as well.

Otter.

Thank you for the advice otter is much appreciated. From now on I'm just going to change my attitude and approach when a thought comes a long that I am uncomfortable with. Today has already been a better day as I've hardly had any thoughts, only just now when reading another post I had a spike to a gay thought.. I'm going to just allow the the thought some breathing space, not panic and tell myself it's not a threat, it's just a thought.. I'm never ever going to go and do anything sexual with a member of the same sex so I cannot be gay.

I am also going to cut out all porn like you said, I think it made me desensitised to the real thing and I don't want that, I really hope that cutting out the porn does bring back my attraction towards women. I'm sure it will.

Hopefully this will all go away, I have good days like today and some awfully bad days where I manage to convince myself that I'm gay, which makes me feel very depressed.

I feel a conquering will down inside of me and I'm certain I can beat this. What a stupid condition. Life is for living not worrying about something that isn't real!

Hey, first timer to the forums. Newzealander 88, I'm sure you used this forum briefly, but if by any chance you get notified that there is a new response, I would love to hear how things are going right now. Your story pretty much matches mine very well, the only difference is I've been going around and around in my head for like 10 years now. This whole time I've been masterbating to way too much porn as well and pretty much I feel the same lack of attraction now that you are describing. Maybe it's porn desensitization or brain unable to be turned on normally because it's a preoccupied with worry. Or it's just preoccupied with trying to make it happen. Anyways I would be stoked to hear an update. You find a lot of small threads like this on hocd and you never hear what happens. I want to know of any success.

Hey man,

Sorry for the delay in responding to you on this. It's been a while since I last visited this page. Things have changed a lot lately ever since I've had this suspected HOCD. it's taken a lot of my life away from me. The intrusive thoughts had caused me to be cold and distance from my girlfriend so we broke up sadly. I have also moved back to the UK to work.

I don't really know where I am at to be honest with this, I feel like sometimes i am just in denial and try to accept that I might be gay or bisexual but then it just doesn't sit right with me. It doesn't make me feel sick to think about dudes in a sexual way it's just I know that deep down that just isn't right for me.

Otter told me that the mantra of this site is to not watch porn which I did for a while - about a week, which I guess isn't a while but i already noticed an increased attraction in women after one week. Then an intrusive thought came along and I watched porn for reassurance. I also have tried to watch gay porn a few times which disgusted me at first but now I'm worried I may be interested in it. I know porn is just porn and sexuality is more than sex.

I want to be with a woman, have children and live a happy life. So over these thoughts of being gay. Suicical thoughts have entered my mind just recently with fear that I truly might be gay. That alone tells me that I'm not because surely if I was gay the revelation would be a positive one. Not a negative one filled with fear and intrusive thoughts.

Like I said before I've always been attracted to women and also can appreciate when a dude is attractive too. Maybe im just over thinking things. I don't really know anymore. I feel like a ghost just floating through life and it sucks

Perth27 wrote:Hey, first timer to the forums. Newzealander 88, I'm sure you used this forum briefly, but if by any chance you get notified that there is a new response, I would love to hear how things are going right now. Your story pretty much matches mine very well, the only difference is I've been going around and around in my head for like 10 years now. This whole time I've been masterbating to way too much porn as well and pretty much I feel the same lack of attraction now that you are describing. Maybe it's porn desensitization or brain unable to be turned on normally because it's a preoccupied with worry. Or it's just preoccupied with trying to make it happen. Anyways I would be stoked to hear an update. You find a lot of small threads like this on hocd and you never hear what happens. I want to know of any success.