Not to sound like an echo, but...does this sound like OCD?

Here's a little background. 2 years ago I went on Zyban to help me quit smoking (it worked, and I quit for 9 months...but I'm back now ) So, I follow the instructions on how to take it, quit 2 weeks later, slowly ween myself, yada yada yada...

Until this week, it didn't register that this triggered something in me. A month after I went off the Zyban, I had a major panic attack (couldin't breathe, became paralyzed, paramedics came, the whole nine...) My doctor recommended I go on meds, I said it was because of stress, I was fine. Yeah, a couple months later, I went back to see her and brought my son with me. My son was pretending to spray the walls and wiping them with paper towels and then kept wanting to wash his hands. My doctor told me that if I didn't get my anxiety under control, I was going to give my son my OCD. I agreed to go on Celexa.

Celexa didn't do much; calmed me down a bit, but the thoughts, the racing, obsessive, non-stop rat-race in my head didn't stop. Tried to ween myself off that, had yet another major panic attack, paramedics, etc... Tried Lexapro. Helped a little more, but still couldn't control my thoughts, and my needs to rearrange things, chop off my hair, change just about everything around me constantly. For years and years, I haven't been able to keep my surroundings the same for more than a couple of weeks, especially during stressful times (which are always...) My husband told and still tells me that the reason he doesn't pick up a lot because most of the time he doesn't know what goes where because I'm constantly moving everything (and it's not just an excuse, it's really true...if a pen goes in this drawer today, it goes in that drawer tomorrow).

Well, I took myself off Lexapro because I moved 900 miles away, didn't have a doctor, and my own doc couldn't refill the script. And after the withdrawal symptoms (dizziness, inability to walk straight, electrical zaps in my head, uncontrollable emotional outbursts) I vowed I would never go on meds again.

Well, last week when I became so stressed that I started to cut my arm (oh yeah, another bit from the past; I used to burn myself with cigarettes when I couldn't take the tornado in my head) I broke down and called a local mental health ER. I went in, spoke with 3 different doctors, and they put me on Wellbutrin and Klonopin.

I'm feeling a little better, but I still can't stop the compulsion that I always have to be doing something, that something else needs to be cleaned, or moved, or fixed. When I try to sit and just watch TV (just watch it, without doing something like writing out a grocery list while looking through 8 different fliers at once to get the best prices (and I list them in columns by store), or writing out a budget that I will never get to follow because it's unrealistic, or working on writing my book or poetry, or folding laundry or something else) I am so tense it's not even funny. I get more tense when I sit to relax than when I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

See, I have my doubts about OCD because I'm not like 'Monk' (well, except that my food can't touch on my plate): Sure, so my shirts have to all hang in the same direction, but that comes from working in retail where the hook loops to the left when you're looking at the front of the shirt, but my house is not spotless (I wish it was, but I honestly don't have time to dust and windex every crevice in my home) and I'm not afraid that if I touch something I will get contaminated. So now I'm just trying to figure out what it is that I have. I know I have a lot of symptoms of depression, and a hell of a lot of anxiety (when I was 5, the only reason I was able to sleep was because a cop lived on my road, and the other day I woke up at 6 am and called my mother-in-law just to make her check on my son), and sure, I guess I could have some OCD (repeating the same things over and over in my head, counting my footsteps or every time I walk up a flight of stairs, having to stop mid-stride if I notice that one of my steps was shorter or longer than the other, throwing off the balance of my walk) but I can't stand clutter (I don't hoard, I throw away), I don't vacuum my cat because he sheds and I don't pick up a cup and count to three before I can take a sip.

So I guess my diagnosis is I'm confused. (that was a joke) LOL

Any opinions?

Love and Light,

Angie

just as a rule..you should never vaccum your cat.

I would tell you what anyone else in here will, you sound like you have some symptoms so look into CBT as well as therapy. Just because you are 900 miles away from your doctor dont use that as an excuse to not start again. You are the same person, just moved away. Take care of yourself!

Mike