HOCD or ego-dystonic sexuality?

You have probably all hear this before, but I'm posting because I could use advice. I've been experience a lot of anxiety recently about the concept of possible being a lesbian as it's something I've never even thought about before and it terrifies me because I've always dreamed of falling in love with a man. I feel like brain is fighting with itself trying to figure out why I have these thoughts.

I'll give you a summary of who I am to help you understand

- Always had crushes on boys, even on my only friend as a child and I (too this day) always imagined myself falling in love and getting married to a man.

-Always wanted to be like the girls on TV and had female role models
(I used to dress up as wonder woman but also strived to have a job in Fashion like Rachel from Friends)

- Came across sex images at age 12 online (straight, same sex, weird cartoon parody ones) and was intrugued but still had a serious crush on the boys in school

- I was always told that boys didn't matter and I felt that having crushes on boys was embarrassing so I never told anyone, incase my parents made fun of me (which I know now is just teasing but I take everything personally)

- Quite ugly as a child, and no boys ever had a crush on me, so I looked up to celebrity relationships and wanted what they had when I grew up.

-In high school I tried to emulate the popular girls, and looked up to them because I wanted to be their friend ans get invited to parties and be noticed by boys

-At 16 I discovered porn, same sex and was turned on by it but still fantasized about boys

- One day my sister made a joke about me being gay becuase of something I said and I started to to panic. After that I became aware of everything I said and how I walked, and what I wore. Incase I was somehow putting out a "vibe" and boys could tell, and thats why they didn't talk to me.

- Flashforward to 19, never been kissed, a lot of social anxiety. So in nightclubs whenever a guy approached me, I became anxious and I didn't want to be

- Checked social anxiety forum and found someone with a similar problem, who was a lesbian. Since then I've been in turmoil. The first month was the worst and then it died down but the thoughts remained. Any mention of gay people and I get anxious. I've always been an allie of the LGBT community, as have my family and friends. But I want to be with a boy, not because society says I have to but because that's what I've always wanted.

- My biggest fear is that I will be in a relationship with a man and realize that I don't want to be with him because I like women and then having to break up/divorce.

I have had my first kiss since the thoughts began and I actually liked it, and I was comfortable and I felt wanted and that made me happy. I think my anxiety of being around guys came from the pressure of feeling like I had to sleep with them, even if I wasn't ready. I will not deny that I find certain females pretty (if you haven't you're a liar).

I have had intrusive thoughts in the past about harming people I love because of my temper and that terrified me but nothing has seriously caused me this much anxiety than this. I would really like to have a better understanding of why I'm feeling like this. I've tried to pinpoint why I've had these thoughts but when I think I've figured it out, something else comes up that causes me to spike and think "oh nope, but remember when this super gay thing happened".

You're welcome here, Beth. And of course we can't diagnose. But you have so much in common with other HOCD posters. That I wouldn't suggest you go to another forum to discuss ego dystonic sexuality. Plus, "brain fighting with itself" seems like a great way of describing things.

I don't know if you'll find an ultimate trigger for HOCD. I think it's a bit like migraines. It's possible to describe what happens during them. And to spot some triggers that make them worse. But overall, there isn't a "migraine / HOCD virus" that you catch. No one cause that happened for everyone.

When you see a girl, do you enjoy when she looks at you? What do you feel? On the contrary, do you enjoy when you see a guy, when he flirts with you/notices you?

ocdbrazil wrote:When you see a girl, do you enjoy when she looks at you? What do you feel? On the contrary, do you enjoy when you see a guy, when he flirts with you/notices you?

I've never really noticed if girls look at me, there was one occasion where a girl flirted with me and was touching my hair and it made me slightly uncomfortable. However, I love when guys notice me, I get really nervous when they approach me though because of social anxiety, and my lack of experience with them. I'm always the kind of person who notices a hot guy in a bar and kind of send subtle hints for him to come talk to me and then when he does I panic because I would never actually plan what to do if he did talk to me . I've actually been doing better since I wrote this post and there's a guy who I have a huge crush on. In fact he liked another girls photo and I got super jealous haha.

Beth, this was actually an exercise my CBT therapist passed to me. I perceived that I don't want a gay g uy to notice me or to flirt with him. Its always with girls.