I am Fake

So I know everyone has heard this before from other people in their daily walks of life. Well I am a 23 year old, working-college guy. I have Pure OCD since I was around 5. I did not know what I had but I was tormented by my intrusive thoughts all my life. Now besides that, during my first chunk of life, I have always been fearful, confused, guilty for the thoughts I had in my childhood and adolescent years. I am a nice person, but I am increasingly am becoming a mean person. I dislike it! Well I fudging hate it! Well okay. My real personality is a calm, melancholy type.

I feel comfortable being independent and sad. Yet I do not want to be lonely, but I do want to be alone. I am a judgmental person all around, which I was not before. Stems from childhood insecurities and trauma. My parents separated during my developmental years and my whole life fell apart. I was very sad yet somewhat upset that they separated when I was growing up, but I obviously came to terms with that a long time. I am deeply noticing that I am a fake person. Not in deep psychological way, but in a defensive way.

I am happy, go-lucky, sarcastic, when I am in the general public, but in reality I am just a independent, sad, loner. Which I am comfortable most of the time. I keep telling myself that no one really wants to be friends with the "real" me. That is where I am starting to develop a fear of having multiple personality disorder. Going back from being judgmental, sorry if I went on a different tangent. I always am thinking in an outside point of view, meaning I myself am being judged by others. I am mean to my parents because I love them but they are both very dependent people and I don't like that. Even when I was growing up, they were still dependent people.

I keep having high expectations about my parents, but they are not meeting that standard, even if I lowered my expectations. My parents are complaining that they had it worse, and that they deserve to be lazy and they expect things from their kids. I love my parents, but they are being idiots. When I go to my friend's houses, I see that their parents have a strong connection and having that connection makes the parents look interesting and cool. The love my friends have for their parents, makes me cry and judge my parents more because my parents are not outgoing, or engaging, they are just not interesting.I fear that I will become my parents.

Also, I am a walking-talking contradiction. I pretend to not want to talk to people, but I do want to talk to people, but I am just so judgmental of what to say to people. That is where people say that I am mean, yet in a funny way. Which once again, I dislike. It gets to the point where I do not know who I really am. I feel like when I am talking to people it is like a compulsion because I do not know what to say and picture someone funny in my head, and act like that character. People laugh and say I am funny, but I am not. I am not great at social gatherings because I do not know what to do, but put up this ditsy, look at me, attention person that way people don't see me at a sad, lonely person. I literally made someone think I was a conceited person in my math class because the class was boring.

Now it is like this Fake persona is a job. It wears me out, scares me, and it also confuses me. Great plot for Hollywood. Haha, Anyways, as there been someone out there that has been thorough this? And if so, what did you do to become comfortable in your own skin?

I think perhaps you might be trying to keep yourself in too small a box. I can understand why a small set of labels. [Calm, sad, independent, nice.] Is comfortable. You know where you are with those.

But from outside. I would add other labels onto that. Mean, lonely, happy, funny, sarcastic, conceited. Just because you are less comfortable with them. Or that they are more consciously inhabited. Doesn't mean you can't still own them.

None of the labels sum you up 100%. That's part of being a human being. Only robots can behave perfectly consistently across situations. Having a different "face" or "personality" for public, family, private. Is not weird or a problem as I understand it.

There are two general approaches that I could think of to try and tackle this. One is to be more open about your "private" personality. Try not to pre judge what other people will think. Or to assume that they won't like it. That helps you bring your conflicts into balance. The other is to embrace the differences. You're mean some of the time, and generous some of the time. You're sad some of the time and happy at other times. That doesn't mean a defective personality. But actually seems like a more rounded and whole person. Able to respond with a range of feelings and behaviours. Rather than being locked down to a narrow groove.

I don't know if the two contradict each other. I have a feeling they may be the same thing from different angles. Mostly, the "feeling comfortable in your skin" is about not setting unrealistic expectations for yourself. Forgiving yourself for acting outside your comfort zone. Seems like a good place to start.

That you so much for your reply:) I have realized that when I am quiet and observant, my friends and co workers think I am mean or something is wrong with me. And if they see me really upbeat than usual, because I am not tormented by my OCD thoughts, they think I am Bi-polar:( So yeah, thank you for your reply. I am learning to understand that I am obvi a human with human emotions/feelings. I just overanalyze what people say and or what I read.

Goodness. No offence to your friends, but that's quite a superficial way to "read" other people's moods. I'm glad you're learning to ignore it and follow your own feelings.