Relationship OCD?

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over six months. The first few months were relatively worry-free, until one day I had a weird dream and questioned my feelings for him, which just continued and escalated. That was before we had said "I love you," but when we finally did say that to one another, it was wonderful and felt right. I actually was so happy I cried. Anyway, since my worries started (July 2), it's been a constant battle. It was easier in the summer when we could see each other more and didn't have school (he lives over an hour away so we only see each other on weekends). My worries have only increased, such as:

• "What if I start liking ___?" (usually a close guy-friend, and that thought grosses me out more often than not)
• "What if I'm secretly gay?" (battle with HOCD)
And more recently;
• "What if im just convincing myself I love him?" (Again)

The latter was brought on due to a really bad fight we had at the beginning of the week which continued into yesterday, and I started questioning EVERYTHING. Just a few days ago (Saturday) we had a wonderful day and I was so happy before this fighting started. It's a very tough situation and when our fight continued into last night, I almost ended things because I felt giving up was easier and sometimes my anxiety makes me feel like I'm being dishonest with him. I was very upset though as I didn't really want to break up. These anxious feelings normally only happen when we aren't together.

I've been seeing a therapist, but she hasn't provided a whole lot of insight other than she thinks I deserve better in a boyfriend (our fights are based on the lack of attention, honesty, etc). When we get into fights or I get down about things and depression hits, I just feel very detached from him which makes me worry I don't really love him or something. When he doesn't reciprocate or doesn't talk to me or gets mad at me I get very upset, and I feel like I wouldn't get so upset all the time about things if I didn't really want to be with him.

I've always been insecure in my relationships, but have never had such strong feelings for someone like I do with him. I have been battling depression for a while and have "daddy issues", so this relationship has been really challenging, but I see my future with him and I couldn't bear to be with anyone else. I'm only 17, but I really am invested in this relationship and so is he. I know it doesn't seem like it would be the end of the world if we broke up, but I know in my heart I love him. I'm just tired of the constant back and forth worrying.

If anyone has any advice, please let me know. I want to make our relationship as healthy and happy as possible again.

hi there,

sorry to hear what you're going through.

Mackenze123 wrote:• "What if I start liking ___?" (usually a close guy-friend, and that thought grosses me out more often than not)
• "What if I'm secretly gay?" (battle with HOCD)
And more recently;
• "What if im just convincing myself I love him?" (Again)

^ what you've described above is very common for ROCD sufferers. hmm perhaps you could try to remember that it's not the real thought, but OCD thought. and it's not your fault.

hmm i am surprised your therapist said that you deserve better in boyfriend. but this is your relationship, so don't worry if you think that you are in the right relationship, and it's just your irrational fears that make you feel tired of the constant worrying (and you stated that).

OCD makes you overanalyze everything. when you really don't need to. trust me.

so.. don't let OCD ruin your happy relationship, you said you know in your heart that you love him. OCD can't hurt you if you don't let them.

good luck.

Hi, sorry to post again, but....
I've been having more issues. This weekend I was with my boyfriend and everything was perfect; I wasn't worried about anything for the first time in a while. But yesterday night, my HOCD spiked again (don't even know how) and I started having horribly weird thoughts. For example, I started thinking, "what if my boyfriend was really a girl?" and then after began picturing him with girl features and it just got too weird for me to handle and has freaked me out so much that even when we talk on the phone I'm thinking "what if he was a girl with a really deep voice? Would I be attracted to him still?" He is the most masculine guy I personally know, has short hair, and doesn't resemble a female in anyway but now when I look at pictures of him sometimes I think, "does he look girlish? What would he look like as a girl? Would I want to date him then?" Which obviously wouldn't be the case because im straight. I'm just very overwhelmed. In the past during HOCD problems this thought has come up but I was able to push it away. Last night I sort of pushed it away but today has just been terrible.

It's really distressing honestly. And I know it's just my HOCD/OCD thoughts again, but it seems so much worse this time because I can't even picture kissing him without thinking about him being a girl or it just feeling wrong. I had thoughts like "what if I would be into a girl who identified as a guy?" (Like a transgendered female.) All of these thoughts just make me queasy. I don't understand them at all.

I'm really at a loss here. I can't talk to anyone I know about this because it's just downright strange and disturbing. I just feel so upset because he is obviously a male, with male parts, who looks like a male, the same one I fell in love with.