Pure O and not knowing (Trigger Warning)

Hey everyone,

Recently I have been triggered and not sure how to deal with it.

Well, my OCD has always been around murderers and serial killers and Weirdos like that. Basically, I just can not understand how a person could enjoy hurting another human being. I can understand MOB or cartel hits or even murders were someone gets so mad and angry they lose it for a minute. I do not condone this but I can understand it. People who enjoy I can not understand.

I also think people who could so easily take another persons life (other then in self defense or war time) are the lowest most Vile people on this planet.

At one time years ago I was triggered thinking what if One day my anxiety and OCD drives me nuts and I snap and flip how I feel and instead of being disgusted with this I enjoy it. I have since realized that is just the OCD and if anyone on this planet is not going to become that way it is me. I dont even like killing Mice in the rare times I had one in my apt.


Anyway, that is the rundown of my OCD. So here is what happened to me recently.

Long story short I met this girl and after a few dates we went back to her place and slept together. She told me that she only lived there a short time but was recently contacted by the Cold Case dept of the local police dept and they asked her how long she was there. She proceeded to tell them only a few months and they said thank you. She then asked what was it concerning and they told her a homicide that happened 14 years ago. She said she admittedly asked if the murder happened in the house and they said they can not give her any other information, but could tell her that it did not happen in the home and the suspects last known residence was there. She, being normal and without OCD, said thank God and hung up. Because all she was worried about was if it happened there.

Now after she told me this, of course I freaked out and thought, OMG I just slept with a girl in a murderers house. I began thinking what kind of murder was it, was it a sick gruesome one? Were there multiple victims? Was this person a serial killer? If it was a cold case they probably got new evidence off a found body. etc... etc... etc...

She tried asking her land lord but they did not own the property that long ago and same with her neighbors.

Now, I know this sounds weird but if it was something less creepy I wouldnt care. Like if it was a drive by or a gang related thing. Or even if it was a distraught husband going after a guy who cheated with his wife. I mean these things I understand. But if it was some weirdo who planned it out or if God Forbid the victim was a child or something worse. Well, you get the idea. If it was something like that I would lose it.

But the problem now is I dont think I will EVER know. I mean, she is over it. I cant keep bringing it up or she will think I'm weird. I cant go back to the place obviously. But more then that, I cant relax unless I know what happened. I need to know at least a bit more. I want to hear what I deem "good news" so I can relax and move on. But I dont think thats going to happen.

I have told some of my friends about it, in a "hey listen to this" kinda way and some of them were like, "who cares" and some were like "yeah, that might creep me out."

Does any of this make sense. I hope I am explaining it right.

I am losing my mind thinking about it.

Hello lovestosurf,
I'm sorry you're going through this. Being unable to talk about it with your GF or she will think you're weird makes it even harder.

OCD wants you to know things for sure, to not have a doubt. But the more you seek for the complete answer, the more you're worried about whether it's really the complete answer.

You should accept the fact that you will not get any more information about the murder, so you have to live with the doubt of what happened there. Once you realize that you'll never know, the uncertainty will be less and less terrifying, until you'll not be worried about this at all.

Start now. Tell yourself until it's in your head, that you will never know what happened there. That the situation will not change and you choose how to deal with it.
Stay worried or just leave it behind. (You know that which one is better for you!)
Best wishes