Just realized I have OCD, would welcome a discussion!

Hi all -

This is my first post because, after 14 years, I just recently realized through some lucky Googling that the condition I have is OCD and shared with others (rather than anxiety + being a psycho). So thank you for existing, because knowing I'm not alone is amazing!

Brief history: January 7, 2000 was the worst day of my life, because while sitting in my living room watching a cheery TV show I had a random thought that I could stab a girl at school and not feel bad about it. This snowballed rapidly and I was both physically sick and emotionally exhausted thinking I was "evil" for two months before it diminished. I told my parents and they had no idea what was wrong with me; they thought I had been drugged. I know now this is one of the most common "pure O" obsessions.

From there I also struggled with other obsessions throughout my teenage years - thinking I had AIDS for a while, thinking I was gay for a while, all completely irrational yet made my life miserable. The worst part is that even when the obsession diminished, the seed remains planted and can sprout again at any trigger if I happened to be in a vulnerable mindset lacking self-confidence.

I think the key for me (and perhaps many of you) is this lethal combination: often lacking the self-confidence needed to turn away these thoughts and say firmly "no, that's not me" but also having an inquisitive and overactive mind that questions things like morality, social normals, religion, gender, etc. To some extent, OCD has helped me in its torturous manner: through hundreds of hours of rumination I realized why I was unhappy with the religion of my youth, and found a spirituality I can jive with, for example.

In fact, most obsessions I think are rooted in small truths - perhaps 10% of me is primal and violent, even though I'm now a vegetarian and peace activist in my normal life. Perhaps 10% of me does have same-sex attraction, even though my "romantic" and "cuddly" thoughts always fall toward women. There's nothing wrong with academically asking, "What if we only act masculine and date women because society says we're supposed to?" But for the OCD sufferer, torture ensues.

Which brings me to my current problem - I had basically sworn off dating for the last few years. I endured a terrible relationship in 2011 with someone who had no experience with or understanding of anxiety, and ended up quitting my job and dropping out of grad school for her before she finally ended it. Seven months ago I met a girl online, and we have been dating ever since. In August we made our relationship "official" and we both think we're made for each other. She also has anxiety of a different form, so we relate perfectly, never judge each other and can talk about anything. Even though we're both melancholy people, when we're with each other we constantly laugh and the grey clouds dissipate. We're like two weird puzzle pieces that somehow fit together - she's amazing.

After the bad relationship I alluded to, my anxiety spiked and since then my libido has been greatly diminished. I have zero sexual confidence. Last year, before meeting my girlfriend I did seek treatment for a month for generalized anxiety, but discontinued because I thought I would be "okay." I also had no idea I really had OCD.

My girlfriend is fine with my anxiety and we've discussed my OCD research, but now I'm having another bout of HOCD for the first time in quite a while. I have no moral or religious issue with being gay, but this is causing great distress because it feels almost like I'm possessed by something that isn't really me (the gay obsessions feel like the harm obsessions of previous episodes). That the 10% of me that can recognize a handsome guy and realize sexuality is not a black and white issue is taking over, to the point where I feel like I'm in mourning when I receive a simple text from my girlfriend, because all the happiness I've ever wanted in life is blinking on my phone, but I'm creating these mental barriers that makes me feel numb toward her. Sometimes I become so physically tormented that the tip of my penis literally goes limp and numb until my mind is occupied elsewhere, and I pull myself back to reality. I'm also worried that the other "seeds" of past obsessions like harming someone may return because of what should be a joyous life event - meeting my soulmate. Being gay is not inherently bad, so it's different than the harm obsessions, though it feels the same to me.

Can anyone relate or offer tips to get back to normal? I have such a habit of self-sabotage... I know this will pass in time, and I'm thankful for having such a wonderful girlfriend and having found this online support!

OIO -

I'm sorry it has taken me some time to respond. It certainly seems like you have OCD symptoms. But it may more than OCD (depression?). Anyway, unless I missed something - have you ever seen someone about this - if so, are you being treated?

Otter.