HOCD/ROCD backdoor spike?

hi guys! sorry for length. just please read through.

So, my medicine has reduced a lot of my HOCD/etc symptoms and greatly reduced my anxiety! Yay!
Now i'm freaking out, because now my symptoms don't match exactly to everyone elses. Of course, my brain still sounds like a broken record.

Before all this started, I always wanted to impress men (and make other girls jealous; immature I know haha.)

And then its like everywhere I look, everything I do, I'm STILL noticing women!! The thoughts come back almost when ever I see someone attractive, even if it's something as simple as a cartoon girl! Ugh! Then i'm like, why don't I notice men as much as women?? Why am I not attracted to this good looking guy?? what did I see in guys before??? does this mean i'm gay????!! then the ruminating and "excuses" I have told myself a thousand times begins. I do my best to ignore it.

Don't get me wrong, I still doubt it's OCD, but deep down I know its OCD and this is all #######4. I never felt this way before. Then my ocd goes, but what if its not? Accept that you are gay! You know you are! I feel like i'm being drawn to women.

In fact, two days ago, I was hanging out with my close guy friend. He admitted he had a crush on me for a while. I told him I was flattered, but he knows I date my boyfriend. My ROCD kicked in and made me fear that I did like him, and lose control and kiss him (I mean he is good looking, but I love my boyfriend.) Haha, makes sooo much sense since i'm so convinced i'm gay, right? The HOCD is still a lot stronger than any other pure-o obsession I had. But now that it's not as strong, deep down I know it is just an obsession now.

I don't avoid things anymore either! I love it. I can watch tv again. I feel numb when i'm with my boyfriend still, still 0 sex drive, but I am on a lot of medicine, and stress has taken its toll on me. I feel normalish again, and compared to how it was a month ago, this is a huge step forward.

So, after this post I am going completely off the forums. But first, is it normal to get these thoughts more strongly during sex/any kind of intercourse? Every time I do, my ocd brings unwanted images of women and disgusting thoughts about them when ever i'm into it. I hate it. I almost avoid sex. Having no sex drive makes it worse.

Also, is noticing the same sex more even during the backdoor spike normal? I get uncomfortable when I see any sort of cleavage, and I can feel my stress rise when I see a gorgeous girl. Before I would never even notice. Thank you all.

Wow, you pretty much just described my life right now. I too have been suffering from HOCD for a little under a year now and like I said before this post was an almost exact copy of what going on with me. I notice women ALL the time which usually causes me to spike and think "do I like her?" or "do I think she's attractive?". I personally think that this is just because OCD messes with our fight or flight response. We fear being gay so our brains (trying to help us) start noticing all the things that it considers a possible threat (aka attractive women). It's not happening because we like them or anything but instead because our brains are trying to protect us from this fear. For example when I walk around at night I become more aware of my surroundings and usually think about what I would do if someone came up to me. I don't do this because I want to but because my brain is tying prepare me in case of trouble. And like I said before I believe that's why we notice more women because we fear being gay. As for your question about HOCD thoughts popping up during sex, it's possible that sex or just intimacy in general is a trigger for you. For example people with Harm OCD may not be obsessing about it at all but then they see a knife and start thinking "would I kill/hurt someone with this?". If sex is a trigger then yes I would say it's normal to get those thoughts during it, however you might need to stop avoiding it in order for it to go away. I don't really know much about ROCD but all OCD is pretty much the same at it's core so my suggestion would be to just trying and treat it the same way you treat your HOCD.
Hope you feel better
-snowbud

thank you for your reply snowbud it feels good to know that.

under a year you say?? Oh god. I've only been going through this since about May/June. I can't imagine going through it for any longer than this!! You're really a fighter for keeping your $#%^ together. I applaud you for that. Your response makes a lot of sense though, it cleared things up better. Thank you!! Good luck on fighting your way through