a question. ocd/delusion(psychosis)

It's easy to distinguish between obsessions and delusions.

Just like some people fear they are having hallucinations because they hear a lot of "voices" in their heads, an internal voice is just a thought. A hallucination is something you see with your eyes or hear with your ears, an external voice.

Likewise, a delusion is something (unusual) you believe with your intellectual part of the brain. If you're asking the question "am I having delusions" you are most certainly not. And yes, OCD can provoke the weirdest thoughts. The relevant question is if you are able to intellectually recognize your thoughts as weird or unreasonable.

A minority of OCD sufferers are so confused with their obsessions that they are not able to understand the irrationality. This is known as "OCD with poor insight" but still, it's not delusions. People with delusions are 100% certain (uncorrectable) that their thoughts are telling the truth, no matter if the best doctor in the world told them otherwise.

thanks for the reply bendib and afraidofdisease, i appreciate that.

...actually im not confused anymore about delusions. i don't want to start a new thread so i'm using my old thread to share my current situation (and ask for advice) or just something i want to write.

i won't go into details what my magical thought, obsessions and compulsions are - because it's hard to explain. but basically the magical thought is my support mechanism, to cope with my real life issues and help me feel in control - thats why i can't just simply don't care. sadly.

as i said before, based on my experience and observation, there's nothing wrong with my magical thought, but it becomes a problem because ocd is playing with it. no matter how much i have learned and convinced myself, i keep questioning. i always wonder if i have 'missed something'

*tw*
for instance, washing ocd. of course there's nothing wrong with washing your hands, if you want to avoid contamination. but you never think that you're clean enough. so the only thing i need to feel is.. i am clean enough if you understand what i mean..

...or i got it all wrong? just in case. because my psych told me unpleasant thing and i feel really down by what she said.

or i just have to hold on to the thought that 'i got it right, but its just ocd that makes me feel this way' because i think i can't let go. for not thinking at all. i just can't.

i feel the urge to perform ritual right now. i haven't performed it yet. and im fighting against it, but i can feel that strong urge.

****ing hate this demon. and have so much self-hatred and self-doubt. i haven't slept in 2 days straight. my heart keep racing, and i am sweating. i'm so sorry for ranting but seriously i wanna scream. i have no one, and i don't want being disappointed by pdoc for the 3rd time. and i can't trust myself. what's left for me. sorry once again.

The problem with people with OCD is that they are never able to hold on to the thought that they have completed their ritual 'enough'. You can't force yourself to do that because it's part of the disorder. That is why the only way past it is to expose yourself to the fear, sit with the anxiety and allow yourself to let it be.
Not caring is something which has to be practiced, and it is essential in treating the obsessions. You may think you 'need' to care because you are so used to thinking this way, but it is very possible to break out of this cycle. OCD'ers need to learn to give up control, which is where Mindfulness is helpful. Once you give up control you can be truly free, and it is a great feeling. You realise there is nothing you need to fear once you give up control and let things be. It's just right now you are caught up in a way of thinking that makes you believe you need to stay in control. That is a false belief, you need to let go before you can be free of this.

thanks Elfie. i think i need time to contemplate. i'll come back with 'positive' update, i hope.

The part of mindfulness that has helped me isn't so much giving up control of myself, although I think it is good to recognize your limited control of the world and even your body, but instead using it as a tool to become more aware of my mental processes. When you meditate on things, you are exposed to your train of thought, and learn to bring it back to the point you are meditating on (breath, external object, etc.). So then in your daily life, you become more aware when you are doing mental compulsions, which can happen without you "choosing" to do them.

It can help you use the "control" that you do have in more logical and productive ways.

You have us, we'll be here to help you. We care what happens to you, we do. It'll get better one way or another. Life's a pendulum, it's swung to the left but it will swing to the right.

thank you so much thinking13 and bendib, for the support.. i've made up my mind.. i don't want to be trapped in this vicious cycle any longer. i know what i think is right, i just need to commit to it. i will accept the uncertainty. i won't seek 100% truth. wish me luck.....

That's great news. You are very brave and it takes a lot to stand up to this when your brain is screaming not to. Best of luck

thank you elfie. i'll update when i finally made it ... i don't know if i am able to fight this ocd and depression at the same time (the psych told me) but i've made a decision. the things i need to do. i even typed it into my mobile phone. lol. i hope you're doing well too. - and to everyone on this forum .

i want to share my progression !
so i organized everything and wrote a note, like a reminder and to-do list. my intention is to ‘force my brain to learn something new’. and here’s the progression

-Ritual A (the biggest ritual, exhausting, complicated and time consuming)
past: random
present: none. since 18th may 2014

-Ritual B (similar to ritual A but not as torturing and complicated as ritual A)
past: random
present: none

-Ritual C
past: once/twice a day
present: none

-Ritual D (mini ritual,lasted about 5 min)
past: random
present: occasionally

-Ritual E (classic ocd. counting,checking,etc - more than 20 theme)
past: every day
present: rare

-Ritual F (mental compulsion, arguing with myself LOL)
past: 8 hours/day (total)
present: 1 hr/day (total) – sometimes less

*random = it can be once a day, once a week, also 5 times a day or 10 times a day..

also i've told my mom about my OCD. actually it wasn't intended, but the circumstance force me to do so. she didn't seem surprised. it was a long story but the point is when she was pregnant, she was already told by the doctor that her baby (me) is very weak physically and also he also concerned about there might be something wrong about my mental health. and yes,when i was 7 or 8 i forgot. my parents sent me to mental ward ! but it was only for one night as long as i remember. i had 'hoarding' compulsion at the time.

i'm doing better now, but i want to give myself another go to see pdoc one more time. i gave up searching the pdoc in my place. and then i found out the therapist from USA that specialist in OCD and they offer online consultation over skype and email. so they can see whether my tools are right. and give me input. i have been contacting with the doctor's assistant and i'm going to schedule the appointment this week. lets see how it goes wish me luck!