the terrifying experience that started my pocd

before this experience I had never thought I might be a pedophile. I rarely thought about kids in any way, and never preferred their company over that of my peers and adults. this happened when I was 15, late last year. I have been turning it over in my head ever since then, trying desperately to make sense of it. I have spoken to my psychologist about the experience and she said it sounded like I had been traumatised by it, though she couldn't tell what had actually happened to me. I'm hoping someone can relate or shed some light on this. (may trigger, though no children are physically involved, this is an internal experience. minor mention of suicide and self harm)

it was nearly the end of the school year so the teachers were showing movies in class. this time it was 'the grinch'. I wasn't interested so I was just messing around on my phone, when I happened to glance at the screen. the little girl actress, who I later found out was six years old at the time, was in a close-up shot. only her face was visible. I wasn't attracted to her, she was a little girl for god's sake. I'm a lesbian so I'm attracted to girls my age and older, which I've known since I was 13. but as soon as I saw this little girl's face I felt a very strong, rapid heartbeat sensation in my groin. it didn't feel like my regular arousal, and it's the first and only time I've ever felt that particular sensation. it didn't even feel good! but it absolutely terrified me. I quickly looked away from the screen, feeling cold and sick, and the sensation stopped immediately.

I told myself, no that couldn't have happened. it doesn't make sense, it can't have happened. I avoided the screen for a while, though my mind kept telling me I needed to look again, to check, maybe it was just a fluke. the last thing in the world I wanted to do was look again! but I felt like I HAD to, I had to check. so I gathered all my courage and looked again. the girl's face came on the screen after a moment. I got the sensation again only when I saw her. I quickly looked away.

by now I was shaking and in a cold sweat. I felt like I was going to throw up or pass out or both. I remember thinking, 'if I'm a pedophile I'll have no choice but to kill myself'. I couldn't stand it. I distrusted everything about myself. who was I really? I remained in a state of self-loathing, shock and terror for the rest of the film, trying without success to make sense of what had happened, and when the lights came back on I felt like my life was over, that everything was lost. I felt disconnected from my body. I felt like everything had changed and I could never be a good person now, no matter what I did, because I had felt that heartbeat in my groin. because that made me a pedophile.

there was a little boy outside the open classroom door, one of the teacher's sons. he looked about six. I was terrified to look at him, but again I felt I HAD to check if it would happen again. so I looked, and felt nothing but a great anxiety. I told myself, there, you're not a pedophile. you're fine. I tried to take comfort in that, but I questioned again: did I really not feel anything that time? what if I did and I'm denying it? what if I'm attracted to that little boy? I still felt sick and shaky and unreal.

this pattern continued for some weeks, before it faded into the background. I could bear to look at children without freaking out. I knew I wasn't a pedophile. I still didn't know what had happened, but I knew I wasn't a pedophile.

then, in february this year, a real pedophile started grooming girls in an online community I was part of. it sickened me, but after a while I started thinking, what if I'm like that? what if I'm empathising with this behaviour? what if I'll grow up to be like that? I was terrified all the time now. I hid away at home, not leaving the house, skipping school and isolating myself because I was scared I would see a kid and feel that sensation, or be attracted to them, or want to hurt them. I spent days researching pedophile profiles and studies to see if I fit the bill, and I didn't, which gave me relief for maybe a few hours at best. then it was back to checking, trying to make sense of it, loathing myself and everything I could become.

I used to stand close up to a mirror and think about kids to see if my pupils dilated. it was an imprecise method but I felt compulsions to do it all the time. it always scared me more than reassured me. I got intrusive thoughts about kids all the time. I was scared of taking a shower in case I thought about kids while naked. I used to sit awake at night, shaking uncontrollably and crying because I thought I was a pedophile. the thoughts disturbed and distressed me more than anything I've ever known. I read everything I could find about pedophilia, and when things said stuff like "nobody chooses to be a pedophile" or "all pedophiles would change it if they could" I got really upset because it meant I could be a pedophile against my will, which meant I definitely was one!

as for groinal response I get it all the time. at first it only felt like a buzzing or stinging sensation, never pleasurable only uncomfortable or even painful. as time went on, though, it started feeling more like actual arousal. has anyone else had that? it stresses me out. I never ever enjoy it.

now, more than six months since, the intrusive thoughts are less common but the gr is still constant. I still get compulsions to think excessively about being a pedophile, looking up information on ocd and gr and all that stuff. even last night I was back on the wikipedia page for pedophilia, after reading it many times when this first started. I still isolate myself out of fear, though I can look at children when I'm feeling secure and not freak out. of course I'm not a pedophile, of course I don't want to hurt kids. but this ocd (I've been diagnosed and I'm on medication for it) is still really affecting my life. I don't want to work with kids or have any of my own, but it's just the thought and the anxiety and the constant second-guessing that's tearing me apart! I feel like a bad person. whenever I'm doing something good, or say anything nice, or even just sitting doing nothing, I get thoughts like, "you're a pedophile, who are you trying to fool. you're evil and you're just putting up a facade". sometimes I believe it and it makes me so so afraid.

I used to dissociate really badly as well, and have graphic self harm and suicide fantasies that only made me think, 'good'. I'm better now, but like I said it's still hanging around. I think this experience that I can't explain is part of the reason why I can't let it go. I'm hoping some people can help me out here. sorry this is so long, it's more than I intended but I think there's some important information here.

Sweetheart (hugs) I haven't read the whole thing, but yes this is almost exactly what I went through.

TRIGGER WARNING

Mine started when I was 10 and I saw an 8 year old in the locker room messing with her downstairs bits. I got this groinal response, and then got freaked out by that! (Even as I type this, I feel my own anatomy getting swollen, lubricated, and my heart racing) and that wasn't even accompanied with anxiety until now!) Sometimes I have to force the anxiety to come, just to make sure that I'm not one. I always seem to be very detailed with my intrusive thoughts and images, but I'm trying to hold back here and not describe what the image I had was that made me aroused. I sometimes have to replay the image back to myself over and over until I stop getting that groinal response, so I test and test.

That was the only incident until I was about 17 or so, and got groinal responses sometimes, but brushed them off. It came back when I got with my (now ex) who has a daughter and she was 11 at that time. I'd get uncomfortable groinal sensations around her sometimes, then I'd have to walk away. I'd avoid her at all costs.

Now my life is constant questions. "Am I a lesbian?" "Am I a paedophile?" "Am I sexually attracted to my mother?" The thing is, the arousal I have for these topics all feel the same. Uncomfortable and anxious. The arousal I feel for my boyfriend doesn't feel that way.
Sometimes, the arousal I feel for the intrusive thoughts matches up to the arousal I feel for my boyfriend, but this is very very rare. It's only happened twice. Just now when I typed out that intrusive thought to you, and months ago when the images flashed in my mind and I was resisting the temptation to masturbate to get rid of the arousal. I point blank refuse to masturbate to any intrusive thoughts, and 9 times out of 10, they only come when I masturbate or have foreplay with my boyfriend - I've associated the words "masturbate" and "molest." So I know that's where it comes from.

Exactly like you, I had the thought "if I'm a paedophile I will kill myself."
True paedo's do not think this way. They don't see anything wrong with their sickness.
A couple of weeks ago I tested myself by saying to myself that I will ditch my boyfriend, friends, family, and instead get involved with paedophiles where we can share our thoughts and team up. The thought almost made me sick. It was foreign for me. I didn't want to do that. I have a cold blooded hate for paedophiles, partially because I was groomed by a female one when I was 12. The other part, it could be society that has taught me to be this way, but I generally do not like to think of a child being hurt or in pain, crying from it too. I want to swoop in and protect them.

I've worked with children for many years. When I was young I'd go into the nursery with my Mom which she worked at, and i'd help her work with the little kids aged 3-5. They were adorable! I felt like an older role model, or sibling to them. I loved playing tag with them and hide and seek too. I started working with kids when I was 16 years old. I loved my job and I cherished the children. I couldn't wait to become a Mom one day, especially to a little daughter, where I could braid her hair, dress her in dresses if she was a girly girl, take her to activites, spend time with her, bake with her, teach her. It warmed my heart.

Now, I don't want that anymore. Well, maybe I do, but it's been covered by these sick perverse thoughts and groinal responses. Now, when I see a child, I don't see the child, I don't see people as people, but instead I just focus on groins, penises, vaginas, sexual sensations, that kind of thing. It drives me nuts! So I know I'm suffering from dissociation. Of course when I'm with people, I know I'm with people, but it's like I can't see their faces properly.

I was cycling down a road today, and just for a second I felt back to normal and not in dissociation, for about 2 seconds. It felt weird and unusual, then I returned to my daydreamy mode.

Like you, my groinal responses are constant too. I still compulsively look up info, still avoid kids, still isolate myself too, I definitely don't want to hurt kids, no way. If doing sexual things means that it will hurt them, then cut my hands off and cut out my brain! I don't always think of the emotional or mental pain that they will suffer either, but more physical pain, and that torments me too.

I get that same voice, about putting on a facade. It's just OCD grabbing your attention, doing what it can. I throw logic at my OCD and it spits fire at me lol. As I said, I've only sought relationships with older guys, and that feels natural and comfortable for me. I had a girlfriend ONCE after the paedophile convinced me I am a lesbian. I TRIED to have feelings for this girlfriend when I was 13. I never met her, it was via the internet, but nope, I couldn't get feelings. Not like I have for my boyfriend or past boyfriends or guys in general.

You are not alone dear, not by a long shot. I totally understand you in every possible way.

thank you so much for this reply, it's such a relief to know I'm not alone! what sticks with me though is that when I had the sensation, I wasn't seeing anything sexual at all. it came out of nowhere and took me completely by surprise. I just don't know what made that happen! it's so frustrating trying to work it out... but thank you again, you've reassured me <3

Yes that happens with me too. I went to the BBQ place today, and I saw 2 little girls, must have been aged 10 or something, by the lake. I was afraid they were gonna strip and swim. I'm an English girl living in Sweden and out here everyone gets naked without a care in the world. I felt edgy around them. so I stayed away and continued making a fire and such and waiting for my boyfriend to arrive. They left 10 minutes after I arrived which filled me with relief. Now I just see kids and my groin goes off like an alarm! And if they're naked, or do something of a sexual nature, like a pose or something, then my mind turns it into filth and I get aroused, because of the associations... Ugh!

I've always been pretty aroused by vaginas, probably because I know what bit feels good and where, but as it goes, I always knew I never wanted to touch one or do oral on one, other than touching my own of course. Now, I've started doubting that. *Sigh* OCD finding something else to pick at me for.

I'm right there with both of you. It's a living nightmare and comes and goes for me. Started when I was 17, now 23. I try and remind myself that thoughts are just thoughts and anything sexual will trigger a groin response even though you aren't attracted to it. I think we are just animals in nature and most people have "weird" thoughts but don't obsess about it and don't think twice. I think those of us with OCD get stuck on a distressing thought and obsess more about what that thought means than anything.

Keep taking it one day at a time!

thank you for your reply! yes, I'm often reminding myself that intrusive thoughts are normal and it's just the ocd that gives them significance and power, but you know how it goes -- sooner or later I'm stuck in a loop again. but yes, I'll be sure to keep that in mind, thank you very much <3

I relapse sometimes too. My POCD hit me full blow just after Christmas. I posted here in January at an all time low, hence the name of choice, Help Me So Scared. And I was, incredibly scared. I felt like I'd lost my identity. If it's easier, just write HMSS if you refer to me in a post. (Sounds like the name of a boat... HMSS...)

The thing is, between these relapses, I find I go longer periods of time without worrying about being a paedophile. Why just yesterday a post went up on facebook of a mother holding a naked baby. No...groinal...response. I was thrilled! Still am! It's moments like that that make me keep going!

I relapse sometimes too. My POCD hit me full blow just after Christmas. I posted here in January at an all time low, hence the name of choice, Help Me So Scared. And I was, incredibly scared. I felt like I'd lost my identity. If it's easier, just write HMSS if you refer to me in a post. (Sounds like the name of a boat... HMSS...)

The thing is, between these relapses, I find I go longer periods of time without worrying about being a paedophile. Why just yesterday a post went up on facebook of a mother holding a naked baby. No...groinal...response. I was thrilled! Still am! It's moments like that that make me keep going!