POCD, HOCD and IOCD, or sexual deviancy?

Hello. My story is a long and painful one.

Before what would come to be known as my OCD descended, I was generally a normal kid; I crushed on girls, and identified solely as straight. Throughout my prepubescence though, a slight homophobia was prevalent in my mind, until I turned 16, in which I imagined a male classmate of mine naked. eventually this thought snowballed into an obsession, and I completely fell off the deep end when I experienced a dream in which I was masturbating to my best friend, only to awaken to a full-on erection. I was terrified. A month later I was sent to the psych ward and diagnosed with OCD.

The next year would be spent compulsively studying and researching about HOCD and homosexuality, desperately trying to create an airtight pool of knowledge that proved with 100% certainty that sexual orientation could not be changed, nor could one be latently gay or bisexual. However, these only fueled the fire more intensely. After testing enough times, I managed to attain arousal from gay stimulus, and the fear eroded at me even further. It made me wonder if I was wrong, and that I was truly gay and fundamentally in denial, repressing my own sexuality.

Hell, one of the definitions of sexual repression is that people have sexual desires, they have sexual feelings, but they refuse to acknowledge them, pretend they aren't real. When their sexual values and sexual beliefs conflict with their own sexual reality, they try to convince themselves that the do not feel what they indeed do feel. I can tell you with a degree of certainty that I have no desire to be gay, and have never really had any romantic inclinations towards men in my life, however my intrusive thoughts remained.

Even worse, it eventually evolved into a "sexual deviancy" OCD, where I began to worry whether or not I was aroused/attracted to young girls. I even entertained a sexual fantasy throughout my teens in which I would masturbate to the thought of my elder sister, which then spiraled into a fear as well. I feel so close to my wits end. In no way do I ever want any of these things to be real. I don't want to be gay, or a pedophile, or incestuous. But does not wanting even matter in the grand scope of things?

I am now 21. 5 years I've been struggling, contemplating suicide almost daily. All I ever wanted was for these thoughts to go away. To be certain, without a doubt, that I am heterosexual, no matter what. That my fears will never be real. That I will never become a sexual monster.

I suppose my questions list thusly:

Can sexual orientation change, even over time?

If I was okay with that sister fantasy before, and it turned into a fear later, does that mean I'll be okay with the other obsessions as well? (POCD, HOCD)

Can one have HOCD and be gay simultaneously?

Why am I afraid to begin with?

Can one suppress their sexual orientation, even down to the thought? (ie. "That guy has a nice ass" "No! No, he doesn't! I don't like guys asses!" etc.)

Have you thought about seeking professional help to sort through everything? There certainly seem to be anxiety present.

In my second year in my OCD, I went to a therapist for nearly a year. I found that she didn't give me the right tools to deal with this. Now I'm deathly afraid that I'm attracted to everything like some sort of sex pervert, and the only thing holding me back is my fear. We never really discussed at length the root of these thoughts, and I feared that these thoughts are not from an outside source, but from me.

mysterychallenger wrote:Can one have HOCD and be gay simultaneously?

No. Not if you are using HOCD to mean Homosexual Fear type OCD. Gay people can suffer from an OCD fear of being heterosexual though. Which is the same acronym.

Sexual orientation cannot be changed. Anyone who tells you otherwise will likely be making reference to a religious pseudoscience group.

As far as having HOCD and being homosexual at the same time, it is very unlikely. I think when I was in the closet for homosexuality, it was more of anxiety because I never found women attractive, but only found a few men attractive, but wanted to be heterosexual to conform to my religious standards. I don't recall ever doubt checking to see if I found men attractive or not. Usually if I found one attractive, there was really no denying it.

Gay people in the closet can be in denial and have some anxiety, but there usually won't be this type of OCD that they need to find relief from.

If it helps, I made a forum post that was all about this sometime last year. It discussed the in the closet compared with the OCD side of sexual identity. If you look at my post history, you'll find the title of it and you'll recognize it right away.

I've always been afraid that I'm "just in the closet." I was bullied in school for years when I told one of my best friends I thought I was a lesbian. I was groomed by an internet paedophile, a woman of 27 years, when I was 12. So I'm pretty sure I thought I was a lesbian seeing as she convinced me i was one, then I'd have sexual thoughts relating to women (my first porn experience was lesbian porn!) I found it by accident and I got aroused at what the women were doing to each other. I don't like being aroused by that (even now remembering the image fresh in my mind.) Because I was taunted at school, I've wondered for years if I was gay and just afraid to come out because of social acceptance. People nowadays are a lot more accepting. In the end, I can look at a woman and think she's pretty or attractive, but I don't have thoughts of getting into bed with her, or feeling "charmed" or "crush."
I have sexual thoughts about doing things to women, not only women, but little girls, too. Does my head in. I hate all of it. I've had it as far as sexual intrusives about my own mother. That was where it started I believe. I've always responded with groinal response to images of vaginas ever since I was about 10 and saw a little girl age 7/8 ish fiddling with herself in a locker room.

One thing I can't get past is my interest in abuse stories. I seem to be almost drawn to them, reading about people who have been molested and what happened to them e.t.c.
It confuses me, because I'm drawn to the thing that I fear becoming. That really messes with my mind as you can probably imagine.

I know that - when i see 2 men kissing, my brain goes fuzzy, when I see 2 women kissing, my brain goes fuzzy, and if you've ever watched the movie "blank check" you would know that a woman of about 25 kisses a kid of age 10, softly on the lips. I was like "AHHHRGGHHRHHHHSGHHHGH" at the screen because that just screamed WRONG WRONG WRONG! One of my best friends has a son aged 8 months and the father sometimes kisses his face and shuts his eyes while doing it and he kinda looks a bit intimate. It made me feel sooo uncomfortable when he did that, like eruuughghhgh! But I can't always trust my brain. Like I always wanted to be a Mom but now I fear if I give birth to a little girl I'll just end up touching her or doing these things, and I can't even say for sure "I don't wanna do them" anymore because sometimes the OCD wraps itself around me so much!
Just to add, when I see guy and girl kissing, it registers as OKAY in my brain.

Basically, you're not alone!