HOCD?? It's back and this time the worst

Hi all.

I've posted in here so much since January, and this is my first post in at least a couple of months.
I'm a pure-o sufferer. I've had sexual intrusive thoughts about my biological mother, children and women.
I'm pretty certain I'm a heterosexual female (23 years). Just recently my libido has gone down.
A little about me.
When I was 11 I found lesbian porn on a video tape after watching a movie. I was aroused by the content.
When I was 12 I was groomed by a paedophile on the internet. She was 27 and convinced me I was a lesbian. At that time I was looking for a boy my own age (and that's what I thought she was at first.) It went on for months until my parents found out. Then I got another girlfriend at age 13, however this was another internet one, and she was only a couple of years older. We never met. I've never been physical with a woman and never wanted to be.
Here's the thing that really messes me up. If I think of a vagina, or see one, my groin goes crazy most of the time. I get really aroused, and this arousal follows high anxiety and often tears, because I don't want to be aroused by womens vaginas. When I was 16 I was terrified of being a lesbian because that is when this really kicked in. I remember being 10 and seeing a little girl aged 8 playing with herself in a locker room at a swimming pool, and at 10 I was kind of aroused by what she was doing.
I've just finished having sex with my boyfriend about 20 minutes ago. He invited me to touch him, and I was interested, I could feel myself WANTING to have sex with him, but couldn't get aroused at all. He started jerking himself a bit, and I got slightly aroused then. I sucked him off (one of the things I most enjoy) and then got on top of him. Here's another thing. Just lately when we've had sex, it's hurt or I've been too dry, but tonight I was more lubricated than I have been in weeks, but I wasn't really aroused..?!
4 months ago, I got really aroused over having sex with him. This was while I was going through Paedophile OCD. My symptoms were reducing, and suddenly, for 4 days straight, I wanted nothing but his cock inside me. For 3 of those 4 days he wasn't in the mood, but on the 4th day I devoured him at last. It was amazing. I felt so comfortable and SO happy, like the happiest I've felt in a long time. Usually for sex to feel good for me I have to have clitoral stimulation first, so this made me even happier. After those 4 days, libido sank again.
So tonight after having sex with him, I felt/feel really upset that I was unable to get aroused. So I threw in a test. I imagined a naked skinny woman in front of me, with a soaking wet vag, and I started to rub the clitoris (even now I'm getting horny as I type this) and almost immediately after I get really horny, and I mean throbbing, lubrication, heavy breathing, then follows wanting to cry, anxiety, because I don't don't don't want to be with a woman. AND, my boyfriend has said "maybe you need to try touching a woman" and I immediately get turned off and say "no no no."
It's like, in my head I want my boyfriend, I wanna be aroused by him, but my body says "NO, F**K you!!! You're gonna love the p****y, you're gonna want to touch women, and your Mom, and little kids too." So these 3 things I can get intensely aroused over, but my boyfriend I can't. It just makes me cry. I know that I think way too much in life, but this is killing me inside now and I don't know what to do about it.

I want my boyfriend, I wanna enjoy our sex life, and I want this arousal to be for him, not for kids, women or my own mother!!!

I'll never forget the first time I saw him on Skype, seeing his naked body, and feeling that desire and hunger and wanting him. I'll never forget those 4 days of pure wanting his wang.
Why Can I Not Get That Back?!?!?! I can accept that I like to watch a woman be licked or rubbed by a man (if I ever came across lesbian porn I'd come away from it and it'd turn me off), but there's no way in hell I want a relationship with a woman, nor a sexual one. But then I start to question myself because sometimes I squidge my boyfriends moobs (not that he has much there) but I guess I just love squidgy things. It's not an arousal thing and it doesn't turn me on... So I guess that's pretty irrelevant.

Does ANYONE know where I'm coming from here? I wanna be able to see a vagina and not react and get horny every single time. I wanna be able to see my boyfriends cock and get instantly turned on. I'm forever touching it when it's exposed and fiddling with it and fooling around with it and the nutsack too. I've automatically gone for boys and crushed on boys and liked boys. Haven't even had to think about it. But all this is making me question.
Kudos to those who read the whole thing. I hope someone can help.

You've responded to me before, and i know your pain. I'm having less of an issue with HOCD now, but that's only because it has moved on to other forms that are just as bad. But from my experience, if the idea that you might like the same sex spikes your anxiety and in general makes you feel like $#%^ for no other reason than that you want to enjoy heterosexual experiences, you are, emphatically, not gay. You are in the midst of a battle with hocd as i can tell, and arousal to the same sex means jack $#%^ about your sexual orientation. When my hocd was at it's worst i could not get aroused by women (i'm a male) even though i wanted to, and i was genuinely aroused by men.Sexual anxiety completely messes up one's libido, and i felt devastated whenever i was aroused by a man, even though i am not a homophobe and would not be ashamed if i was gay. However, I am straight (not gay in denial), and so are you. OCD is the opposite of what you are. If you are truly happy when it comes to liking men, your OCD will attack that and will make you feel like you have changed. but it can't actually change your sexual orientation. Real lesbians are happy with liking women and it seems that you are not. Those stories you hear of people who "discover" that they are gay as an adult are not what they seem to be. The people in those stories probably were never happy with heterosexual relationships and were happy when they liked the same sex. At the moment, you might not be happy in your heterosexual relationship, but this is only because you are worried that you won't like it. It's hard as ###$ to do this, and i haven't completely mastered it myself, but you need to stop checking your reactions. Doing this is what is making you be aroused by women and be unable to be aroused by men. If you can stop checking, it will get better. There are many lesbians who have sexual orientation OCD, and they are afraid that they are attracted to men and want to be attracted only to women. They might become aroused by men and lose their attraction to women because of the OCD, but they are still lesbians, while you are still straight. I would suggest not looking into your childhood to find indicators as to whether or not you will really gay, as you will think things made you gay even though it's not true. Even though my OCD has moved to different topics and i made a recent post explaining it, I am still going to be ok despite my troubles, and you will be too. I want to make sure you know what's going on from a person who has had the same experience, but please don't read this post over and over again to reassure yourself, as it simply will not help (that i know from experience).

I relate with you. What i've learned so far is that we keep thinking about it, and thinking that we like these things we don't, just because they bother us. And that's what OCD is all about: Turn your mind in hell. And the more you fear it, the more you get hurt. They say the secret is to let the thoughts come. And live with them. Cause the more you don't want them, the more they'll come. Then, with time, with exposure, you'll stop being affected. And get back to normal. But it takes time. OCD sucks.

Btw, ocdteenfreak, nice text. really enjoyed your words

Thank you both. I finally got passed this and managed to have great intimacy with my boyfriend just 2 mornings ago, however now my POCD is back and it's spiking like crazy! I just wish it'd go away!

-- Wed Jun 25, 2014 6:06 pm --

Thank you both. I finally got passed this and managed to have great intimacy with my boyfriend just 2 mornings ago, however now my POCD is back and it's spiking like crazy! I just wish it'd go away!