severe OCD, intrusive thoughts, *TW*

Hey, this is my first post on this forum. I'm a 17 y/o girl. I suffer from severe sexual OCD, anxiety and depression as a result of it. I apologize for the long post, but please read it. I need support and hope. A lot of hope.
It all started 5 months ago. Before that there was nothing, no sign of OCD or any intrusive, unwanted thoughts. I had a good life. I don't even know what that is like anymore. I just want to go back in time and forget about all of this.
I feel anxious about just typing this. I'm scared that ya'll will think I'm a disgusting,evil monster. But I really need to get it off my chest. I have a few types of sexual obsessions. I'm going to try to type it, but it's difficult to describe what's going on in my head.
Incest OCD
One morning (5 months ago) I woke up and a thought popped into my head out of the blue. It was about sex. With my own mom. I immidiately had a panic attack. I was so disgusted. But I couldn't get it out of my head.
I keep thinking what if I'm attracted to her sexually. (I know, gross) Even though I know that I'm not. But the 'what if'' is still there for some reason. I'm getting so sick of this. Then I thought - what if I'm attracted to her romantically. (wtf) I know I love her, she's my mom, but I don't love her in a romantic way. Just in a normal family way. And I don't want to think about sex with her.Eww.
I thought about being attracted to and of sex with other relatives too but none of them affected me this much. A lot of gross stuff too. All these thoughts are very unwanted and extremely intrusive and persistent.
These thoughts then eventually left for a few weeks, due to a new type of existencial OCD. That went away. Sort of. Mostly. But then all of this came back and brought POCD along.
POCD
I don't know when this started but it unfortunately took over my life at this point. I never ever thought of being attracted to kids before. I mean, I always found them cute. But never thought of them sexually. It would always disgust me if I read about pedophiles but it never lingered . Also, I never really liked kids. They're annoying and such.
Now I can't even be around them. It's so hard. Even if I know they don't turn me on and I don't want to molest or have sex with them, but the thoughts of it just won't leave. When I look at a child I uncontrollably think - am I attracted to it? But I'm not. I also have a little sister so it's very difficult. I feel guilt, shame, anxiety and disgust. I don't want any of this. I'm scared that maybe one day I'll give in and be attracted to them or something.
My mind keeps telling me things like- go ahead admit you like these thoughts, you're a pedo. But I'm not. I don't like any of it. But the doubt is just unbearable.
Sometimes when kids aged 8-14 walk by think what if I had a relationship with them. I don't want relationships with little kids. I can't even look at babies even though I love babies. I wanted to have my own baby and have a happy family but apparently that isn't an option for me. (

I also had intrusive thoughts that I'm attracted to old people, disabled people or just random people that I stumble onto and thoughts of zoophilia, and even necrophilia. Those don't bother as much for some reason. But they really disturb me. I also had a lot of extremely disgusting sexual thoughts that are so disgusting it makes me want to just stab myself in the eye or something ( not literally )

None of these thoughts are sexual fantasies. I can make a difference between those and the OCD thoughts. These are more like sexual nightmares. I just want to wake up.

I'm in fact a bisexual so at least I don't have to worry about HOCD. I like hot guys and hot girls. I get turned on by ages 16 to 30 something. But mostly 18 to 28 or so. I can imagine a relationship with someone aged 17 to 20-22. And not family members. (wtf again) Although my sex drive decreased significantly and I no longer get turned on that easily.
I had a few relationships in the past.
I also worry about developing harm OCD. I've never really been against violence that much so maybe that's why I don't have it. I don't walk around stabbing people or shooting them and such, and of course I don't find it right. But I would punch someone who wronged me or my loved ones. If OCD was a person I would beat the hell out of it.

Now it really crossed the line last night. My mom was telling me about the abortions she had ( I don't know why she keeps telling me about it ) and a horrible thought popped in my head again. You're really gonna think I'm crazy now but I don't want this thought
I thought what if someone ate the emryo (wtf, now seriously...). And since my OCD is sexual in nature I thought what if someone did something to it sexually..Ewww. How would that even be possible. Or what if I did it? I threw up twice and felt disgust and guilt,shame. It's unbearable. Then I thought, what if I actually like these thoughts too. Now that made me have a panic attack and throw up again. What kind of person would it take to like the thought of eating embryos....I hate the thought. This all makes me want to cry and just stop existing, escape from this OCD world.
This disgusting thought just won't leave me since last night and I'm scared how long it would stick around (

I have borderline personality disorder too so this OCD is extremely difficult for me to handle. I just can't cope with my mind anymore. With these thoughts and ideas.
I smoke excessively, drink sometimes and pop pills. Mostly benzos and painkillers.
I don't self-harm but I like pain. Not all kinds of it though, I hate a headache,cramps and such. But when I accidentaly cut myself when I'm for example cutting veggies I just really like the pain. I also punch walls out of frustration lately.

I saw a psych, two of them actually but one of them was terrible and the other just passed me to another one, which I'm gonna visit soon. Hopefully she can give me some SSRI's. Treatment is probably not even an option where I live, but I need something to save me from this. I can't cope.
Please tell me this is going to go away. Cause I keep reading it's not curable. But I don't want to live like this. I just really don't. I mean, I'm not suicidal. Not yet. But I most likely will be if these thoughts will stick around for IDK a year or two. I just do not want a life like this. I had dreams and plans .But not anymore. This OCD robbed me of having a peace of mind. It stole my life. I've never felt so bad in my life. So messed up and crazy.
So please tell me these thoughts are going to go away (

Hey ! I used to have sexual thoughts about family members/ relatives too.
Like, I would have thoughts about wheter my uncle has a boner or I would have a thoughts about them naked/masturbating, etc.
Those thoughts come when you are anxious or afraid of them, OCD picks on your fears and exaggerates them.
Like how a small thing has a big shadow.
If you're watch porn, stop watching it, as it may remind you about those thoughts.
Slowly, your mind would get tired of disturbing you. So don't worry.
It takes a few months actually.
Don't avoid those thoughts, like e.g: if you have a thought of your mom wanting to go down on you,etc, just laugh it off and be like "sure!", don't be pressured to force them out of your mind.
I used to have those thoughts since last year, but now not much.
Good luck

but I don't want to imagine my mom wanting to go down on me..... that's gross..
There has to be a way I can go back to normal again.

please anyone ?

I've had similar thoughts and it is hard because it makes you feel so alone in the world. Just remind yourself that they are thoughts. I have done a lot of research on OCD which has helped me understand it better. I worry now about having POCD when I am going to work with kids or want to have kids of my own. It's a living nightmare that is hard to talk about. Keep taking it one day at a time

I'm a 16 year old girl and I can really relate to a lot of this! I know reassurance doesn't help in the long term but like, just listen: you're not crazy or evil, you're not a monster. I've felt the same way, still do sometimes.

you've got to realise that thoughts are just thoughts. they don't make stuff happen. they have no impact on the world. your disgust at the thoughts only proves that you are never going to act on them!

it's tough but please try not to panic at the thoughts. remind yourself that they aren't real, and what's more, they're normal! everyone has them, ocd just brings them to the front and makes you worry about them.

learn to relax around your thoughts and let them flow past you, don't analyse them or wonder why you thought it. eventually, they'll bother you less. this doesn't mean you enjoy them, it means you're controlling them. and then the thoughts will start happening less and less. they won't disappear, because like I said intrusive thoughts are normal, but they won't control your life like they seem to be doing now.

try to distance yourself from those thoughts! they're not you, they're just the ocd doing what it does. you are not your ocd.

this is all stuff my psychologist has told me, and it helped me after a while so I hope it can do something for you as well!! <3