POCD and child porn

Hi guys! I used to suffer from POCD (pedophile ocd) and would do the usual stuff like imagine scenarios in my head, look at children and check for a groinal response etc. but one night when my OCD was terrible I typed "child porn" into google because I thought if I looked at the child porn then I could confirm that I am not attracted to children (like an exposure therapy I guess). I never found any real child porn, just a cartoon image which made me cry out of disgust... this confirmed to me that I am not a pedophile and my POCD has now gone BUT I suffer TERRIBLE guilt over nearly watching child porn. Was it terrible? Do I deserve to die? I feel like a monster and I can't move on from the guilt. Please help me.

You don't deserve to die. You are not a horrible person. Your decision making is flawed. STOP CHECKING. Checking is bad for OCD. You are not only putting yourself in a position to cause yourself harm, you are also putting yourself in a position to commit a crime.

If you haven't already sought professional help, I suggest you do so. But please stay away from things that could get you in real trouble.

Good luck.

Otter.

Agreed! Checking will always make OCD much worse. There is nothing you can see or check for that will satisfy the OCD. Searching for images will just make your fear greater, and the OCD worse.