Anxiety and depressed - I need help

Hi there. I'm a young male, recently married, suffering very much with severe anxiety, depression and social awkwardness with recurring thoughts about myself being gay.

First of all, i'm 28 and so far never had any doubts regarding my sexuality. Prior to the start of this, i had a completely normal and happy life, with small problems like everybody else. Since my childhood, i have always masturbated to girls (pictures of them, imagining hot girls i met), i had girlfriends (i'm married with - what i was believing - the love of my life) and always had feelings with girls.

I don't know if it means something, but i must say that i have a problem with alcohol... I don't drink every day, but if i start do drink, i can't stop until i'm drunk... And it always being this way.

I've already had a depression episode before, linked to something bad i've done when i was drunk (a car crash).

Well, my real problem started two months ago:
I was in a street party and a friend was joking with a gay guy that we never met before, lying to him that our straight friend was "coming out" and to arrange something (of course, a a joke) between my friend and the gay. The gay guy said that my friend was too ugly and it was not going to happen. My friend asked: -So, who do you think is beautiful here?
The gay answer was: - That guy! He was pointing me... I was with my girlfriend (now wife) at that time and we just laugh about it... We're all drunk at this time!
Anyway, something got stuck in my mind, and i just don't know why:
- What if i'm gay? What if never realized that?!?

From that moment on, i've been living obsessed with this idea of "being gay". I become severely depressed (lost 20 pounds, feeling and planning suicide), very anxious and so feared that its being very difficult to work every day and meet friends and family. My wife knows everything about it and keeps extremely supportive, which is very nice. I still have sex with her, i got crushes sometimes on other women on street, but no matter what, nothing can take this idea out of my mind! It seems that this will never end and i'll have to tell everybody that i turn out gay or something.

I'm seeing a doctor, which prescribed me Paroxetine 20mg per day. Helped a little with the depression, but not very much. I still have suicidal thoughs and i'm still very anxious (and taking ativan 1mg twice a day to help with that) with everyday stuff. i'm also seeing a regular psychologist for about two months, but nothing improved so far.

Have i been living a lie my entire life? Is there a coming back? I'm hopeless and can't see a future out of this...

I loved my life prior to all this... I just want to be happy again with my wife, my friends and my family. This is the worst nightmare i have ever had i cant wake up! I've read a lot of posts about hocd, but I'm not sure what is really going on...

Do you guys have any experience with this or maybe just ideas to share?

Thanks!

Hello worriedguy86,

Firstly, I think you should tell all that to your psychiatrist and to your psychologist, they may reconsider your treatment and give your explanations.

On the other hand, you did not say whether you were attracted to men or not, which makes me think it is only a fear you have, an obsessive thought about being homosexual. What you really fear is not being homosexual, you fear destroying your life by learning you are gay (even if it wouldn't really destroy your life). If you were really gay, you would already know it. Being in that situation implies there are very few risks for you to be homosexual. It is like a bit like someone who fears being bad, but if that person were really bad, that person wouldn't fear being bad. I think your psychologist has to tell you about all that in details, talk to him/her about that, it is important. If it makes you feel too depressed and have suicidal thoughts, you should also tell it to your psys so they adjust the treatments (both pills and psychotherapy).

Do not stay like that anyway.

Hoping this helps,

Matthew_Calloway

Post-Scriptum : What you have may be a disorder called HOCD. It's an obsessive-compulsive disorder where people are scared to turn gay.

Matthew_Calloway wrote:Hello worriedguy86,

Firstly, I think you should tell all that to your psychiatrist and to your psychologist, they may reconsider your treatment and give your explanations.

On the other hand, you did not say whether you were attracted to men or not, which makes me think it is only a fear you have, an obsessive thought about being homosexual. What you really fear is not being homosexual, you fear destroying your life by learning you are gay (even if it wouldn't really destroy your life). If you were really gay, you would already know it. Being in that situation implies there are very few risks for you to be homosexual. It is like a bit like someone who fears being bad, but if that person were really bad, that person wouldn't fear being bad. I think your psychologist has to tell you about all that in details, talk to him/her about that, it is important. If it makes you feel too depressed and have suicidal thoughts, you should also tell it to your psys so they adjust the treatments (both pills and psychotherapy).

Do not stay like that anyway.

Hoping this helps,

Matthew_Calloway

Hi Matthew. Thank you for your post.
Both my psychiatrist and my psycologist are aware of the whole situation...
I can say a man is beautiful or not, but i don't feel sexually or emotional attracted by men.
What i keep thinking is that if a was gay, i would feel attracted to man since my childhood, which is not the case at all.

It just doesn't make sense... Very weird feelings.

Hello worriedguy86,

You're welcome, I'm here for that !

I keep thinking what you have is very similar to HOCD (even though this has nothing to do with a diagnosis, of course). You should try to find pieces of information about it, there are people that are exactly in the same situation as you, it will help you a lot I think.

I'm happy to know they both know about the whole situation, but did they tell you why they didn't adjust the treatment ? Perhaps you just started taking it, no ? You don't have to answer my questions, I was just wondering. (:

Indeed, if you were gay, you would know it and wouldn't be scared of being gay that way and you wouldn't be there to ask for a bit of help. If you feel like talking, feel free to send me a private message !

Remember nothing is stupid and everything makes sense in psychology in a way or another...!

Warm regards,

Matthew_Calloway

Yes. they both know everything and we're still adjusting the medicine (maybe we will increase the dose over the next week). I'm taking Paroxetine for about two months now. I feel a little bit better regarding the depression, but still find me very desperate, anxious and hopeless from time to time.

Hello worriedguy86,

Don't forget to always follow what your doctors tell you to do. I think Paroxetine will help you a lot. Nonetheless, as you must already know, the meds are just there to help you, not to solve your problems... Does the psychotherapy help you as you wish it helped you ? Your psychotherapist should teach you how to manage your feelings when you get anxious and depressed. Keep meeting both your doctors regularly and you will end up seeing the light and feeling better even though you're in an abyss at the moment and that it's really difficult.

Warm regards,

Matthew_Calloway

Matthew_Calloway wrote:Hello worriedguy86,

Don't forget to always follow what your doctors tell you to do. I think Paroxetine will help you a lot. Nonetheless, as you must already know, the meds are just there to help you, not to solve your problems... Does the psychotherapy help you as you wish it helped you ? Your psychotherapist should teach you how to manage your feelings when you get anxious and depressed. Keep meeting both your doctors regularly and you will end up seeing the light and feeling better even though you're in an abyss at the moment and that it's really difficult.

Warm regards,

Matthew_Calloway

Thank you again, Matthew. Going through this is being the most difficult time in my life, no doubt about it.
Honestly, i don't think that the psychotherapy is really helping me. I mean, at least i'm seeing her for about two months now and didn't noticed any improvement so far.

My anxiety now got must worse...
After some friends start joking with someone we have worked with that had a sex change (a young man that even had a son and, "suddenly", had a sex change - a transgender), i kept thinking "oh my god... that's me in a near future. Maybe is that...".
This caused me great anxiety! I couldn't even sleep well that night.

What the hell is happening to me? The suicide thoughs are coming back to the top of my head again...

Indeed, I am forced to agree with the guy who has the round-tentacle-flower avatar. This sounds like textbook HOCD. You are not gay, that much is perfectly clear. You can't turn gay, and it's pretty much impossible to have HOCD and be gay. There are things that can help. I am extensively experienced with Pure-O, HOCD, Harm OCD, and a barrage of others. I may be of some help. Feel free to PM me. I'll be sending you something.