Obsessing over social blunders

For the past few years I've been developing a tendency to replay past social interactions over and over in my head. I analyze virtually every aspect of everything I said to the person, until I latch onto one or a few stupid things I said or did. Then, against my will, my mind replays these stupid things until an intense feeling of shame completely envelopes me. The very particular embarrassing incident becomes entrenched in the forefront of my mind, and ALL of my time for days or weeks thereon is completely governed by trying to take my mind off of the incident by compulsively repeating certain phrases or words, or by aggressively obsessing over my other obsessions (which in turn worsens those obsessions and turns them into maladaptive vices rather than healthy coping mechanisms). The moments in which I DO forget about the embarrassing incident are brief and are shattered by the triggering of the memory, which makes me feel like I've just gone down the drop on a rollercoaster. I feel such incredible humiliation. I can't sleep because the repetitive replaying of the memory gets way worse at night and I become very sleep deprived. I'm unable to concentrate on anything else except briefly, not even reading, movies, games, anything, because I'll think of how STUPID I am for doing "that thing" and become dominated by compulsions to forget the thing. There's no room in my head for anything else.

This happens almost every time I hang out with someone, especially if I'm drinking. Granted, drinking makes everyone say stupid things and I know some of things I say or do ARE factually stupid, but rather than cringe and move on like most people would, I become crippled by extreme shame, unable to think of or do hardly anything else for days or weeks. The incidents I obsess about are usually related to me making people feel uncomfortable, me seeming like a narcissist or a selfish person, or anything that proves the fact that I'm an absolute social freak (I kind of am, I've been diagnosed with Asperger's and Schizotypal personality disorder by two separate docs but idk which one is correct as they both have so much overlap). It could be something as benign as how I might have annoyed someone by sharing way too much personal info (as I often do), or something more serious like how I have random emotional meltdowns when I'm drunk and sometimes end up breaking things (this is rare though). And while these incident usually ARE at least mildly embarrassing, the level of shame and absolute self-loathing (often to the point of being suicidal or overdosing on drugs/alcohol to get rid of the thoughts) seems way out of proportion in retrospect.

It's ruining my life. I don't read or draw or do much of anything like I used to, because I can't concentrate on anything with this constant nauseating sense of utter humiliation and degradation.

For instance, right now I'm replaying last night's incident where I said something about sex that I think sounded weird, and now I'm convinced the person I was talking to thinks I'm a creepy sexual freak and now all I can do is periodically yell, hurt myself, or obsess over a different obsession.

What type of OCD/anxiety does this sound like, and should I seek help? I'm afraid of not being taken seriously.

Thoughts? Insight?

While it seems like there are many different types of OCD, in reality they really all just boil down to having unwanted thoughts that we are compelled to fight with, either internally or by performing some sort of action. OCD will attack whatever you fear the most. In your case it seems your biggest fear seems to revolve around other people's view of you and your compulsion seems to be (among other things) to keep checking your memory to either prove or disprove the obsession.

You seem to be searching for absolute certainty regarding the question about how people view you. Do you think you can ever be completely sure of that? It's simply not possible. It's the uncertainty that gives us so much anxiety. We think that not having the answer to this 'all important' question (am I stupid, do people think I am crazy, am I losing my mind, etc. etc.) is the most intolerable thing in the world. However, if we allow the question to remain unanswered and the answer to be a 'maybe xxxx is true, maybe it's not', our anxiety will spike, but then something happens....... nothing. Nothing happens if we allow the anxiety to be there. Allowing anxiety to exist when we refuse to indulge in our compulsions is the only way that has been proven to help with our condition.

I hope this helps.

In addition I think you would really benefit from seeing someone that specializes in CBT and possibly ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy).

I do this, too, so I know how tormenting it is. It gets so bad that I avoid socializing at all and then I get depressed bc of feelings of isolation. I can't offer any advice because I'm struggling with this, too. I will replay the social interaction in my head until I find something to beat myself up about. It helps me to know I'm not alone so I wanted you to know that I totally understand what you're going through.

I do the same thing. Always. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALWAYS. Sometimes it doesn't start until a random memory pops up.

I hate this :/ Only thing that works is boosting serotonin, taking lithium and benzos.

twistednerve wrote:Only thing that works is boosting serotonin, taking lithium and benzos.

While lithium does have some affect on serotonin, benzos do not. I would recommend staying off benzos if possible, they are very difficult to stop once you start taking them and many people have to take more and more as time goes on to feel any of the benefits. Doctors know that benzos shouldn't be taken long term, but you see people getting on them for decades.

geo242 wrote:

twistednerve wrote:Only thing that works is boosting serotonin, taking lithium and benzos.

While lithium does have some affect on serotonin, benzos do not. I would recommend staying off benzos if possible, they are very difficult to stop once you start taking them and many people have to take more and more as time goes on to feel any of the benefits. Doctors know that benzos shouldn't be taken long term, but you see people getting on them for decades.

I meant those 3 as separate things.
Recently I've added inositol as part of the cocktail for obsessive thinking - works very well.

I took benzos for years, different types, always could quit cold turkey with no side effects.
I'm on and off them, usually. I save it for emergencies or periods of insomnia. Antihistamines do not give the same effect on sleep as benzos.

Yeah i do this as well. all the time. Did it about an hour ago. I was going over to the neighbors house to give their child a b'day present and discovered they were just leaving to go out. I got all anxious because this broke with my imagined scenario of how the situation was going to play out. Then i started getting all flustered and feeling like I was saying and doing stupid things. Then i hastily left.
After that i just spent my time thinking about the stupid crap I said and how rude they probably think i am because I left so abruptly or i'm thinking about whether they think giving a present to their son is inappropriate or whether the present itself is appropriate. My head just fills up with all these questions and doubts and it becomes draining.
I think that my social anxiety helps me to put my foot in my mouth, then that same anxiety causes me to feel bad about my wayward foot.

Maybe I just have to learn to live in the moment so I don't try to plan out in my head how I think things have to be. This way I am less likely to get anxious if things don't pan out. Then if i find myself saying stupid stuff, i can try and be a little more adaptable to the situation. apologize for my rudeness or inappropriateness, laugh it off, etc.

Not sure if this is the way to go, but maybe it might help you in dealing with your situation.

Jesse.