HOCD or denial?

I like listening to other people's opinions, so let me lay this on you.

I have tendencies to let my fears get the better of me and generate extreme OCD scenarios in my head.

It got to the point where I'd have to close the door three times before going to bed so my family doesn't die. I know, stupid.

I researched HOCD after getting scared of being gay, and my OCD is telling me that not to believe what other people say, that I'm truly gay. And then I read something that really made sense to me.

Gay people are more concerned with coming out than being gay, and HOCD infected people are more scared about being gay.

I'm not scared about being gay, I'm scared about what people would think. I always have, not just this. I always have tried to fit in within my life. But here's the thing, every since it hit me, I realized this "HOCD" was being fed off of what people would think, not me being gay. I go, "that would be scary to have to come out of the closet" then I think, am I gay? And I keep checking, and checking. I am not aroused by men, I can't imagine it, nor can I imagine being in a relationship with a guy. I've tried to a hundred times, but it doesn't work. Only depression.

I always care what people say to the point where I lie about my opinions because I don't want to be looked down upon. So now I just have to get over my OCD relating to thinking about what other people think. Social anxiety.

I just need to know, am I in denial? Never read HOCD problems like this, so I'm a little confused. I'd like some input.

I've always loved women, although with all this depression and homosexual thoughts it's been hard to think about them, and it's gotten to the point where that also began to make me worry that I'm gay.

I like their form, their shapes, their faces, their hair, their smell, their presence, their personality, the way they move, the way they talk about sex, everything. I even find it hard sometimes to just leave it as friends, every women I meet it's instantly romance mode. And I love it, it feels natural.

So it's a paradox. I read someone talking about being gay, I think how horrifying it would be to have to come out of the closet, I think I'm gay, I check, I get disgusted by men, I settle down, rinse and repeat.

I have no hate towards gay men, but me understanding this makes me think I'm gay because I used to have a phobia. I thought not having a phobia mean't being cool and chillaxed with a gay guy and being able to ignore their sexuality. I'm always going to be disgusted by men, and I'm always going to feel awkward when they talk about men. Just like how my friends like a certain movie and I don't, I feel uncomfortable, I cannot relate. I force myself to try and like it, and it feels weird and unnatural and it makes me depressed. But I need to learn how to not be so fearful of that anymore. I need to realize that I'm not going to like it, and that I need to be comfortable with my dislikes, and that I can't force myself to be comfortable with it.

And no, there's no possibility I'm a bisexual. I literally know I'm not gay now, I only have phobia of what people would think. And still, the paradox continues to where I think I'm making this all up to make myself feel better. But I know I'm not, but then I think I'm still just lying to myself, even though I know I'm not. It's a battle of "what ifs" going on within side of me. I think I just need to chill out, and if I'm truly not a homosexual, a week worth of relaxation should put me at ease, and I'll be back to my old self. But, again, I can't relax because I'm trying to force the OCD out of me and the paradox begins again. I need to face this problem and get it over with. Which, I feel like I sort of am, and I feel like I'm on the right track.

What also messes with me is this checking thing. I still have it in the back of my head, and while I'm enjoying a show, and there's a male character that's a cool character, while trying to enjoy the character, at the same time, the HOCD sweeps in at the same time and checks, and while I'm still watching, I don't get as disgusted while I'm fully involved in the check and I think that it's because I'm gay, but it's because I'm invested in the show, and the check goes over in two seconds, and then I overthink about the check and then I lose interest in the show and I just keep checking. Just $#%^ like that in general.

Just like when you're playing a video game, and you're invested, and your mom asks you something and you barely know how to reply because you're so invested.

So, if I'm understanding correctly, what you're asking is whether or not you're gay?

The answer to that question would be this: only you can really decide whether you are gay. From what I'm reading, it sounds like you're not. The way you're describing how you feel about women, and then men, is very telling that this is just simply HOCD.

No amount of reassurance from us is going to help you at the end of the day, because the HOCD will continue to assault you and make you doubt and check, over and over again.

What you need to do is try and become more comfortable in your own skin, and stop doubting yourself. When you see a guy on a show on TV, and you start thinking about whether or not he's good looking, don't turn away from, and don't try and not think about it. Just let it pass over you. Best case situation, you'll feel courageous enough to even give credit to those thoughts, and ponder if the guy is cool or good looking. This is known as Exposure Response Therapy, and has been proven to be VERY effective at treating OCD. For HOCD, I honestly do not know how much it may help or not help, but its certainly worth a shot. It's being comfortable with the doubt, and learning to move forward with that doubt, and not letting it affect your life.

Again, from what you've told us, it sounds like you're straight. HOCD is very good at making you question the validity of something no matter how straightforward and obvious something is. That goes for OCD in general.

So basically, here's what you need to do:
"So it's a paradox. I read someone talking about being gay, I think how horrifying it would be to have to come out of the closet, I think I'm gay, I check, I get disgusted by men, I settle down, rinse and repeat."

That should look more like this:
"I read someone talking about being gay."

I think what else would help is realizing that most normal people don't really care if someone else is gay. There is always an exception to the rule, but being gay has become such a common thing that people aren't phased by it. There's really no social anxiety to be had from the realization that you're gay. On top of that, you don't have to tell anyone even if you are gay. Basically, this fear of social anxiety of being gay is being made up in your mind. That right there is causing you to compulse and check, because you're afraid of the social anxiety. There is honestly nothing to be afraid of coming out of the closet. I'm speaking from personal experience, as well.

Hopefully I answered your questions, and answered them what you were looking for. If you have any more, please feel free to ask. I check back on these forums several times a day. I wish you all the best!