Torturous obsessions about children, reproduction, etc

I've posted my entire (more or less) OCD story here before, but it was rather long. This time, I'm just posting about the particular obsessions that are currently causing me the most mental anguish.

I have some rather severe Pure O OCD. As is generally the case with OCD, it takes everything I care about one way or another (things I love, hate, fear, want, and don't want), and turns them into devices to torture me with.

The main one it is using right now is the following: I don't want to ever have any children. That is nothing new - that's been the case for quite a few years. What is new is that for the last couple of years, my OCD took this, and turned into a gigantic device to torture me with. Now, I have near-constant intrusive thoughts trying to make me change my mind about having children someday, and yet at the same time an obsessive hatred of all things having to do with children. Whenever I hear about children, pregnancy, etc, I become despondent, anxious and even angry. Whenever I find out that someone is a parent or parent-to-be, I feel extremely sorry for them, and simultaneously angry at them for continuing the horrible tradition that is childbearing.

I view childbearing as a horrible permanent trauma, and as a pollution of sorts (whenever I find out that a woman has become pregnant/had children, I view her as permanently damaged and traumatized by the pregnancy and the excruciating experience of childbirth, and sort of "tainted" by it - for example, now that Scarlett Johansson is pregnant, I can barely see her in a movie without feeling a little nauseous.) I doubt that I'm alone in this - one similar case I know of is Elvis Presley, who lost all attraction to his wife Priscilla after she had their daughter. Whenever I find out that a person in the past or an elderly person has had children, I feel as if they have not had a good life. I automatically consider a marriage (or life) that involves children as unhappy.

I can't see a baby or child without thinking something along the lines of "he/she shouldn't exist, why, oh why, did his/her parents ever make the mistake of having a child". Sometimes (randomly, on and off) I feel this way about young adults (and occasionally even older people) as well. I also often ponder whether I should exist (usually my answer is "probably not"), and feel somewhat guilty for coming into existence, and by existing, (in my view) mucking up my parent's marriage (even though they had been actively trying to have a child for ten years until they conceived me, and have never expressed any regret over having had me).

I see children as unfinished people - misshapen and deformed, with a lack of intelligence, and full of character faults they have not grown out of. The world's problems, war, greed, etc, all stem from faults that arose in childhood and many people never grew out of. Elimininate childhood from the human experience, and you eliminate most of mankind's problems. Even young adults have not all yet grown out of these problems. Looking in the mirror is a painful reminder of how young and unfinished I am. My parents and other relatives (and some of my parents' friends) dote on me, and I sometimes feel guilty that they like me so much, as I am not worthy of such a thing.

I've dreamed up a vision of a utopia in which children, teenagers, and perhaps even young adults do not exist (either A: anti-aging technology has become so advanced that no one gets old and dies, so people don't reproduce anymore; or B: reproduction is handled by machines that first raise an embryo in an artificial womb, accelerate its growth to a fully-grown adult within the course of a few days by chemical means, implant all information the person will need to know into his brain by some digital/neural means, then send him out into society). Every time I hear someone say something to the effect that childbearing is necessary for keeping the species alive, I feel angry, as I feel that such a mentality is what is keeping such scientific and societal advances as I have mentioned from being funded and explored. I feel that if humanity as a whole would stop reproducing, scientists would go into overdrive trying to create one of the two solutions I have mentioned, and would have it perfected within a few decades. I'm at a loss as to whether this concept is pure fantasy and lunacy, or something genuinely worth the pursuit of scientists. Either way, I've developed something of an emotional attachment to the idea and a deep dissatisfaction with reproduction as it exists now.

Whenever I see a baby or young child in a news story or something, I feel anxious and angry. I can't stand that there are still children.

My love of history and the past (which I consider one of my defining personality traits; my love of the past, especially the 1930s-1940s, has been a big part of me for just about forever) has been suffering, since it's now hard for me to think of pre-1960s times without thinking of them as a horrible dark age without reliable birth control and in which childbearing was encouraged - made nearly mandatory, even - by society. It's as if my brain can no longer "compute" simultaneously not wanting to have children and loving eras of the past in which the science of birth control wasn't as advanced (although vasectomies and such were available) and there was (in theory, anyhow) more pressure from society to have children. (Also, I sometimes have symptoms where I obsess over the morality or lack thereof of the society of that era - these also get very morbid.)

Since I started having these obsessions, I now have a low tolerance for thoughts of my own childhood or anything (such as books or movies) geared toward a child or family audience. As recently as about two years ago, I used to believe that, in C.S. Lewis' words:

"Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence."

The other obsessions that torture me are most dark, morbid obsessions, in which I constantly worry about whether some person or another that I like/respect/admire (and occasionally just a random person) may have done something shameful or scandalous (a large percentage of these obsessions are morbid ones about whether the person in question might have had an abortion).

I've been more or less clinically depressed for the last couple of years, most because of these obsessions, but it's been getting worse or worse. It's gotten to the point where, half the time, I feel that life is not worth living. (I'm not considering suicide or anything, just stuck in a sense of despair and depression).

I remember your other post. While you are clearly obsessing it might also be good to go over the whole thing with a therapist, as they may be other things fueling the "children" obsession - maybe something from childhood, etc.

Anxiety and the clinical depression can cause morbid fears or obsessions. Please look into this.

Otter wrote:I remember your other post. While you are clearly obsessing it might also be good to go over the whole thing with a therapist, as they may be other things fueling the "children" obsession - maybe something from childhood, etc.

Anxiety and the clinical depression can cause morbid fears or obsessions. Please look into this.

I can't think of anything from my childhood that could have caused this. I was never mistreated, unloved, or anything of that nature. Maybe the fact that I was an only child and never had any contact with other children could have had something to do with it, but that's a bit of a stretch.

You might have a point about depression feeding obsessions. I've had these obsessions since before my depression got nearly as bad as it is now, but they got particularly out of hand after my depression escalated because of a traumatic physical injury (which thankfully is seemingly healing now). It's possible that the obsessions feed the depression, and the depression feeds the obsessions, making a "self-sustaining machine" of sorts.

I'm hoping to somehow find or think of something that gives me some clarity, to somehow find "the answer" to this whole dilemma. I feel as if I could find the solution to this particular dilemma, things would get a lot better for me. But I haven't found it yet.

I wish I could see a therapist, but that's currently not possible, due to my financial situation.

While I can't completely relate to your obsession. I will say that pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. It took me a long time before I could even have sex for the first time because I was so terrified of becoming pregnant. Even with birth control pills and the man wearing a condom. I was with a guy for 4.5 years that I could never have sex with. I loved him so much and he loved me but I knew it wasn't fair to him so I broke it off. I actually had vaginismus (a condition where I would tighten up if anything tried to enter me and it was like hitting a brick wall.) Anyways I have since had sex (unfortunately I was black out drunk my first time) and all times following that I have been drunk as well. After breaking up with my ex I turned to alcohol and "didn't care" about anything. Although I really did care but I didn't realize/was ignoring it till I snapped out of it. Anyways, I am done with the alcohol and am back to being celibate again. To get back on subject I am absolutely repulsed by pregnancy and pregnant women. I cannot even stand to sit next to a pregnant lady. It really bothers me and I get super anxious. I dislike when women are constantly trying to show me pictures of their child and telling me about their child's accomplishments, as if I cared. Or showing me "cute" or "funny" baby videos or vines. I don't find babies/children to be cute, adorable or tolerable. I hate when I go to the restaurant or movies and people bring their obnoxious children with them. I am disgusted when women take pregnancy photos with their shirt lifted up showing their pregnant belly. Not to mention I am repulsed by the actual act of child birth itself. I also feel the world is overpopulated and a terrible place. I don't understand why someone would want to bring a child I to this world. I also wish I myself were never born.

Sair Bear wrote:While I can't completely relate to your obsession. I will say that pregnancy is one of my biggest fears. It took me a long time before I could even have sex for the first time because I was so terrified of becoming pregnant. Even with birth control pills and the man wearing a condom. I was with a guy for 4.5 years that I could never have sex with. I loved him so much and he loved me but I knew it wasn't fair to him so I broke it off. I actually had vaginismus (a condition where I would tighten up if anything tried to enter me and it was like hitting a brick wall.) Anyways I have since had sex (unfortunately I was black out drunk my first time) and all times following that I have been drunk as well. After breaking up with my ex I turned to alcohol and "didn't care" about anything. Although I really did care but I didn't realize/was ignoring it till I snapped out of it. Anyways, I am done with the alcohol and am back to being celibate again. To get back on subject I am absolutely repulsed by pregnancy and pregnant women. I cannot even stand to sit next to a pregnant lady. It really bothers me and I get super anxious. I dislike when women are constantly trying to show me pictures of their child and telling me about their child's accomplishments, as if I cared. Or showing me "cute" or "funny" baby videos or vines. I don't find babies/children to be cute, adorable or tolerable. I hate when I go to the restaurant or movies and people bring their obnoxious children with them. I am disgusted when women take pregnancy photos with their shirt lifted up showing their pregnant belly. Not to mention I am repulsed by the actual act of child birth itself. I also feel the world is overpopulated and a terrible place. I don't understand why someone would want to bring a child I to this world. I also wish I myself were never born.

Obviously it's somewhat different for me (as I'm a man and therefore have no fear of myself becoming pregnant), but I sympathize with you, and have very similar feelings.

The only suggestion I can offer (as I myself am rather "lost" as this time) is that when you hopefully succeed in sorting your problems and heal of your depression and other such problems, and if you are in a sexual relationship again and still never want any children, sterilization for you and/or your partner might be a good option. I've heard that a particular type of tubal ligation which actually cuts the Fallopian tubes as well as tying them is especially effective.

In any case, I wish you well, and hope that you find happiness.