OCD/Child Abuse/Anxiety/POCD/HELP

I am a male in my early twenties. I have some deep anxiety issues, ranging from the fear of getting infected (ex:hiv), fear of fire, and recently public places. I have had depression, all triggered by a traumatic event 2 years ago.

However yesterday something really odd happened. I was in the bus and a kid stood next to me and I found myself getting anxious for some reason and thinking that If I look at the kid people might think I am a pedophile or something.

You have to know, I have been abused as a child and I still to this day have issues with that, it is truly painful and getting this thought really upsets me. Don't get me wrong, I am not attracted/ or fantasizing about children, never have and never will.

However thoughts started rushing through my head after I exited the bus and I wanted to check out events in my past where I might have acted in a wrong way towards a child.

This one time, like 5-6 years ago, back when I was questioning my sexual orientation (I m bisexual) I remember watching tv with my cousin who was like 9 at the time (i was about 17 i think) I remember him laying really close to me and it caused a genital response (not wanted) and then another time which I don t know if it even happened he sat on my lap and (i did not get an erection or anything) but it caused a response.

My issue is, now my head is telling me I am a monster and a child molester. I would never do that! I deeply despise abusers as a victim of abuse myself.

Now in my head I have a fear I might have somehow damaged my cousin, I even go as far as being accused and sent to prison and being socially rejected.

I need to point out that I never told him to do anything, he never saw me naked, I never saw him naked, I did not touch him anywhere intentionally or made him touch anything.

The only thing is that one time laying there watching tv and him being on my lap. I never even thought about this until today and me and my cousin get along great and have a good healthy relationship.

why does my head turn me into the monster ? I am not a molester, I somehow now am overwhelmed with question and doubt. It is extremely painful since I have been molested and sexually abused when I was about his age by an adult and it left a horrible scar on me. I have however been forced to to things, repetedly. (i dont want to get into this)

I am extremely confused, what do you think ? can you just after 5/6 years suddenly think you did something really wrong and live like a happy guy inbetween or is this all just a continuum of my OCD (which is getting worse over the last year)

Thank you and please , I am not a monster.

Can somebody please reply ?

Hi AM-

This is a delicate situation. There are two distinct, and severe issues you are dealing with. One is your past abuse, which I am very sorry for, and, two, the subsequent trauma that has come from the abuse.

One of the effects of trauma could certainly be this anxiety and OCD-like thoughts. You may also be suffering PTSD, depression (as you have said) and other things.

No one here can even come close to telling you all the things that are happening to you and why. That is for a professional (who I urge you to see, if you haven't already).

What I can say is, there are plenty of people here who suffer POCD and who have been in the same situation as you. If you don't mind I updated your title to add POCD. This will help people who have suffered the same thing, give you some feedback.

But I hope it gives you some comfort to know that many of the feelings and intrusive thoughts you are having are ones that have been suffered by our members. It's sucks for anyone to have it, but maybe if you know that you are not alone it will give you a chance to step back and get some perspective.

I have not suffered POCD directly, but I have suffered things like fear of being falsely charged, my life ruined, and other things that you do: the HIV, etc.

Read through some of the other POCD threads, if you don't think you might be triggered by it.

Those are deep hurts you have suffered there, friend. Don't let these awful intrusive thoughts dig their claws deeper into you. Please consider getting some support.

I hope you stick around. We also have other forums for past abuse.

Otter.

Hello <Otter>

Thank you so much for your reply.

After giving it all some thought it seems really absurd that I worry about that. I don't mind you adding POCD to my title, however this is only something that came up 2 days ago while randomly being in a public transport.

I freaked out because these thoughts, often far from reality kicked in and I overplayed whatever I think happened 5/6 years ago and dramatized it, I think. I only remember feeling a little awkward back then for a second and I continued living as if nothing happened and nothing changed between me and my cousin.

I did not really struggle with OCD back then and to me it seems completely crazy that I could feel so guilty all of a sudden, while living a normal life for 6 years. I mean my cousin is not avoiding me or anything and I never avoided him not before and not after what my mind constructed. I moved out about 3 years ago and I live in a different country (university) I only see my cousin like once or twice a year and we get along fine despite him being childish and wanting to play video games all the time.

A multitude of factors I believe led me to freak out 2 days ago. I had a flashback of my own abuse recently and I am taking criminology classes, which at times are quite disturbing.

The trauma that happened 2 years ago is completely unrelated but I suffered from PTSD and depression and well over the past year increasing OCD behaviour.

I always feel like my future is in danger or that I might die all of a sudden. This latest OCD is really painful regarding my own history, and I truly believe I am a good person.

Surprisingly after I posted this post, I started getting relief and I felt as if everything I worried about for the past 2 days is fully absurd (which it is). Then I started getting anxious because the world can now read what I wrote. And now being falsely accused or reported to authorities (as the forum rules mention) or being accused in five years from now or something, is put in the mix of my intrusive thoughts.

I would really like to know what you think about my problem ? Should I just move on from this without giving it a second thought before it takes over?

Thank you.

did not really struggle with OCD back then and to me it seems completely crazy that I could feel so guilty all of a sudden, while living a normal life for 6 years.

When anxiety gets strong enough and OCD starts to express itself it can come on all of a sudden. Many people who suffer OCD are hit “out of the blue” with intrusive thoughts. They could be watching a program about some disease and all of a sudden they adopt the worries of getting that disease.

As you mentioned, you have had other worries in the past. Now your anxiety is such that it picked up on an old incident and made it the forefront of your fear. There isn’t a lot of logic to it, because OCD is not very logical.

Your comment about posting here is proof of that. You made this post to get support. Now it has turned into work.

Think of anxiety as a bon fire. Anything you bring close to it, will get warm, hot or even burn. In other words, some thing will cause mild anxiousness and others a good deal of anxiety - and some will turn into OCD and cause big problems.

I would really like to know what you think about my problem ? Should I just move on from this without giving it a second thought before it takes over?

If I thought you could walk away from it, and all other OCD-like problems, I would say do that. If you cannot then you need to address it with professional help.

OCD is cruel in so far as it keeps people suffering in a holding pattern, making them go in circles. I think one of the reason you initially found relief in making a post here is because you were doing something about you problems.

Many people here do not seek help for a long time - too long. Once they do, it usually starts them on a road to recovery. But as I said, if you can walk away from it all, and find pace on your own, do that.

Otter.