HOCD Please Help

My girlfriend of 10 months and I broke up about 2 months ago. I was madly in love with her, dreamed about her all of the time, and have never had thoughts like this before. I am a teenager and recently started actually hitting puberty with the voice squeaking and such.. I always got boners from my girlfriend even from cuddling or holding hands, and when we would make out I would even pre cum. Since we broke up, I havent looked at girls the same, I cant look at a girl and be like wow shes beautiful or imagine myself in a relationship with another girl, I just feel lost and confused. Well I have known that I have OCD for a long time, but never been treated or gone to the doctor about it before. Well, when we broke up I started having HOCD symptoms, and I am pretty sure thats all it is, but sometimes I have panic attacks and act like life will never be the same and that maybe I am going gay. The thought of even dating a guy let along kissing and all that is beyond disgusting to me. I wrestle play football and golf and I showered with guys during sport season and never felt anything besides normal and straight. Well, I think this might be because of puberty, but I have started to get random boners. Sometimes when I lay down at night I just kind of get one.. not full or sexual kind of way.. and not thinking about anything. I also have been getting boners from even laughing real hard.. even if its my friends that are guys making me laugh.. I also get boners when Im tired or wearing tight pants.. is this cause of puberty? or maybe im thinking about something that I cant put my finger on? I dont know, but its scaring me with the HOCD too. Also, lately I havent been able to sleep for $#%^. Sometimes, this gay guy is in my dreams and not anything sexual or dating, but hes just there? Like in class or something? I think this is because im scared, and they are nightmares, because I wake up sweating and scared and cant fall back asleep.. I could never see myself being gay or doing anything besides with girls.. Ive tried thinking about doing stuff with guys and i even saw a suggestion about trying to look at gay porn.. so i just looked at like a few pictures and my penis shrunk. I dont think I should be as worried about all of this as I am, but sometimes I think otherwise.. can someone please help? will i return to see girls like i did before we broke up? This is really scaring me. Thanks.

bump

Sorry that you have been going through this. It's really not fun. I think your HOCD started because of your breakup. You where hurt, and now you have association anxiety with women. It makes sense. You have to slowly start talking to girls again and find that the hurt will not happen again. You are worried another women will hurt you the same way your last girlfriend did. You also have to understand, that stereotypes are just stereotypes. I dont even play a sport, i only run and surf, so people assume I'm gay. Also, you are not, and can not "go gay". You cant. Remember that. Puberty can defiantly make you get random boners. Its all nature and nothing to worry about. As for your dreams, the gay man in your dreams could be that part of you that is anxious about being gay. That's why its just staying there and not saying anything. Its going to linger and feed of fear. Please stop checking pictures of guys to see if you enjoy it. You will start to accept it and it could slowly grow an attraction to it. Checking makes it worse. Feel free to PM me if you need more help

Hang in there
Michael

Thanks for the reply. I feel much better.