Is this even OCD?

Okay so I will try and make this short. I've been having violent obsessions/ thoughts/ urges for years now and I have a tendency to ruminate on them so much that I question my own emotions every second of every day. Well lately, it feels worse because my mind is all like "you actually want to act on these thoughts" and whenever I think about doing them it feels like I want to now? It is almost like I don't want to want to act on the thoughts but I"m afraid that one day I'm going to because I feel like I want to act on them. I don't know what to do. Also, whenever I feel suicidal I feel so much better that my thoughts are pointed at myself instead of at others and I will often want to be having suicidal thoughts and urges instead of ones aimed at others. It feels like the violent thoughts don't even come randomly anymore. It feels more like the thoughts are always in the back of my mind telling me that I won't be happy if I don't act on them. I'm scared what do I do?? How do I stop this feeling? Am I a psychopath??? Thank you for any responses, it means a lot.

I have had all of these thoughts, and I have also liked it when they were pointed at me. I have never had urges though. But this may be a matter of how one defines things. To me and urge is something that is a part of true desire. The Oxford definition, which applies here is:

a strong desire or impulse

In the days when I feared I would become suicidal or homicidal, it was truly a FEAR OF doing these things, not and urge or impulse to do them.

your comment:

I don't want to want to act on the thoughts but I"m afraid that one day I'm going to because I feel like I want to act on them.

is pretty much the same things. And your anxiety is so bad it's confusing the fear and the urge. That's the way it was for me.

So is it like the OCD can disguise itself as an urge?

Yes, in certain cases, such a OCD. In my day I had intrusive visions of doing it. I could look at a knife and obsess about picking and doing something bad with it, etc. I didn't want to but I realized I could and that frightened me.

A true urge for the purpose of what we are discussing is an impulse from a place that has a true desire to have something like the above (knife) happen. Desire does not have fear attached to it. In the desire to act there is only the need to satisfy the urge.

If you really want to do these things you wouldn't be posting here.

Nothing is perfect and I can't say exactly what is happening to you - but as a matter for separating certain issues into a definition that can be understood - the above is as I have come to understand it.

but what if it feels like i want to do these things??? is this not ocd??

but what if it feels like i want to do these things???

that sentence has nothing to do with OCD. but only that sentence. your OP is different than that sentence.

OP?

-- Wed May 21, 2014 3:36 am --

i'm really confused and i'm really scared right now like if it isn't ocd then what is wrong with mme

OP = Original Post.

Calm down. You have a history of OCD. No one who EVER wanted to commit these acts were as frightened as you about it. On the contrary, the usually feel like what they are about to do, is EXACTLY what they want.

This is OCD playing with your mind. Do you have something you can take to calm you down? Can you talk to a friend of family member. Don't let this get to panic levels, please. If need be get to the ER.

Ok, you're going to make it through this, but you have to find something to stop this from escalating.

i have a friend i can contact. thank you for your help, otter.

ok, my friend. i looked at your previous posts and it does seem like your OCD is skipping around, which is an indication this is anxiety. post when you want. give your friend a hug - cyber or otherwise. let us know how you are.