Here's an odd one for you

Happy Springtime, everyone. I can't figure out what the hell's wrong with me. This sort of thing started when I was 13 or 14, but it's gotten more frequent and more insistent over the years. I'm 42 now. I figured it would be gone by now, but it's only gotten worse.

I don't seem to fit any OCD diagnosis that I've read, as I don't have any major anxieties. I worry about common things -- money for bills during slow months, etc. -- but I don't live in an anxious state. I have no irrational fears. Everything in my apartment doesn't have to be squeaky-clean, and I don't have pervasive sexual thoughts. I'm not a perfectionist in my normal activities. This is merely an issue of repeating particular actions. And not stopping. It's been years.

Conditions must be perfect when I repeat these actions, for me to effectively talk myself into stopping -- but the stopping winds up being temporary. The impulse is still there.

It gets ridiculous. One example is that I'm extremely good at grammar, and many books and magazine articles aren't written terribly well. Okay, we know this. But here's where my brain overdoes it. Normally, when I'm having my last snack before bed, I read. This is the only thing that gets me tired enough to fall asleep (I have a high metabolism and a lot of energy). Years ago, when I encountered a misspelled word or annoying grammatical error, I'd correct it in my mind, as if on an imaginary word processor, and move on. At some point, I began flipping off the error and making a low buzzing noise, as if the wrong answer were given on a game show. I think this seemed funny to me.

By 2014, however, even though I've somehow managed to stop making the noise, I have to flip off the error, think hard about why the writer is wrong, and be very conscious of it so that it's completely "corrected" in some weird part of my brain. And if there's a noise in the apartment at the same time, such as a wall randomly creaking, or a car horn outside -- or if part of my hand brushes the sleeve of my shirt as my arm extends toward the page so that I can make this middle-finger gesture -- or if my stomach rumbles at the same time -- or I have an itch somewhere on my body while I'm flipping off the error -- then it doesn't count as "corrected," and I have to do it again.

Why? What do I think is going to happen if I don't do this in complete silence without harmless distractions? The result will be that I'll allow all errors to go unnoticed? Okay...so what?

I have no answer to any of these questions. I'm usually pretty good at self-assessment and not BS'ing myself, but I can't seem to figure out what my problem is with just blowing it off and letting it go.

And here's the really weird part.

As a way to stop doing this, I'll tell myself, "Okay. Only once more. I'll do it perfectly this time, and my limbs won't brush anything, and there won't be a noise in the apartment, and I won't have an itch anywhere, and then that will be my last, perfect error correction on record. Then I'll tell myself, 'I've already done it. I don't have to do that anymore.'" So that'll happen, and I'll feel good about it for a few minutes.

But the impulse arises again, of course, because it's a habit by this point. If I instinctively start to do my "correcting" actions, then I just cut them off, as I've already done them -- but I feel, for the rest of the night, as if not completing this action that I've accidentally done halfway will somehow negate all of the other times I've done it successfully, making all of that wasted time in the past "not mean anything."

I normally read fast. But because of these illogical actions, I can't get through a single paragraph in thirty minutes. It's gotten ridiculous.

I also have to make a "circle" with my eyes, using any bright light, or even a prominent graphic on a computer monitor. Sometimes, while I'm out walking, if there's a bright light, I have to look at it at the very edge of vision, almost as if I'm scratching an itch on the extreme border of my eyesight.

If I start doing one of these things, stop myself by saying, "I've already done it. I don't want to be an insane person. Stop it," and then don't complete, say, the partial eyesight-circle, then it somehow negates all of the other times I've done it (and why would that even matter? I have no clue), and then all of the time that I've used up with this action over the years won't be rationalized.

It's as if, when a neighbor's water runs briefly, or the wall creaks a bit, while I'm doing one of these things, then the wall "wins" and I have to do the thing again. Why? The wall isn't conscious! Well, I have no idea why.

There are other things, but they're all similar in nature, in terms of the repetition and the fact that I can't stop if I habitually restart, because it might not allow all of the times in the past to "mean" something.

I have to smell my food before I eat it, and if there's any sort of distraction, even mental, I have to do it again, so that I'm really focusing on it. Then I can eat it. This started because it was fun and extrasensory to smell food before eating it when I was younger. It's part of the experience. By now, however, the repeated, focus-necessary action is just silly. But it's there, and my food sometimes grows cold before I can take a bite. Sometimes, I have to mush the food perfectly with my tongue, so that my tongue cleanly pokes the roof of my mouth through the food, before I can think, "Okay, that's done," and actually enjoy the meal.

Again, what's odd is that I'm not a perfectionist in any other instances. My brain seems to have chosen these things to be obsessive about. Now, obviously, this is just the result of a more blanketing problem, but I have no clue as to what it might be, or how to confront it. Any suggestions on what I can read, in order to do this work? Has anyone ever heard of repeated actions with the characteristics above, except without the daily fears and intrusive visions that are always named as part of OCD?

(As a note, I'm 100% against medication of any kind, and feel that psychotropics, etc. only add a problem to someone's life, rather than helping one. This is just my opinion from experience with others who were on meds; I'm not judging anyone.)

Thank you.

The only reason your OCD seems odd on this forum is because it's not HOCD or POCD. In the world of OCD, what is happening to you is not uncommon. Of course, this is not meant to trivialize what is happening to you.

We can't diagnose here, but your symptoms sound similar to ones I have had.

In the past it has taken three times as long to get through a book, because I would stop in places and reread a page three or four times because I thought, "I didn't read it right", or somehow I missed a word - which I really never did. It would get worse as I got to the end of a book. Finishing it took me four or five times longer than normal.

I have had a million-and-one odd OCD-like behaviors connected with food. I won't list them because it may add to your woes or trigger other people who read this thread. I didn't have the smelling one however. But the details matter little.

This is another problem of OCD. To the sufferer it seems like their OCD is the oddest, or some how unique to them. If you go into the details you could probably pick something out that others have not had. Like the book thing, I didn't have it exactly like you, but mine affected my reading, and the general effect and result was the same.

Even people here who have HOCD can help others, easily tell them that they have HOCD, but are fearful THEIRS is REAL.

You get the idea.

Ok, if you are dead set against meds, there is always therapy. If you don't like the idea of therapy then there are simple home remedies. Actually, to describe them is easy - to do it is another thing.

What my meds couldn't solve, I had to overcome. My home remedy was to simply NOT do what my thoughts or feelings or urges were telling me to do - and suffer the raw anxiety that comes after me when I didn't perform the compulsions.

Let's use my problems with books as an example. When I read a page and my mind/urge wants me to go back and read the page because I am sure I missed something (which I never did), I simply don't go back and read that page. If my doom-like feelings come along and make it hard for me to read, I stop reading. I would rather not read the whole night than obey my compulsions. It's very hard because the feel of anxiety that you have could be easily assuaged if you do the compulsion. Don't do it.

But it's hard. Depending on how embedded your compulsions are, is how hard it might be if you don't "obey" - or perform them.

Otter.

I don't think anything is odd in the world of OCD. Your action of doing a task, such as flipping off the error in the book or magazine, whilst having complete silence, is actually something similar to what I've done. I might have to do any sort of action within a certain criteria, such as sounds being completely non-present.

I find what helps, and what has already been mentioned, is to ignore the compulsion and sit with the raw anxiety.

If I were you, after reading this, go and test out this method on something. Go and find an article or book where you know a grammar mistake is present, and read it, over and over, without flipping it off. Do this over and over again. You will feel anxiety, but it will subside. And more than likely, you will start to feel silly for ever having flipped it off in the first place. Maybe even laugh at yourself for doing it. Recognizing this is a great step, I believe, and realize that you are conquering your compulsion. And this goes for all your examples as well. Purposefully create the anxiety provoking situation, and do the opposite of what you feel like doing.

Thanks so much for the replies, you two. I suppose I meant "odd" in the context that I'd never read about these particular, time-killing quirks in resources about OCD, and was confused about whether or not it could even be called "OCD." I appreciate your sharing similar experiences. The suggestion to just ride out the raw anxiety is a good one. I'm going to try that. Perhaps along with immediate distractions, I can get out of the habits in an almost behavioral self-therapy sense. Thank you.

SolitudeLover wrote:Thanks so much for the replies, you two. I suppose I meant "odd" in the context that I'd never read about these particular, time-killing quirks in resources about OCD, and was confused about whether or not it could even be called "OCD." I appreciate your sharing similar experiences. The suggestion to just ride out the raw anxiety is a good one. I'm going to try that. Perhaps along with immediate distractions, I can get out of the habits in an almost behavioral self-therapy sense. Thank you.

Good luck! Let us know how it works out, too.