Is this ocd or repressed homosexuality? help!!

To start off, sorry if this post seems long, but I need to get across what's happening. It's ruining my day-to day life at the rate it's going.

I'm a 16 year old male, and for virtually my whole life up until last month, I knew I was straight. I remember getting my first huge crush on a girl as a little kid, the first time ejaculating to a girl and how good it felt, and the "butterflies" feeling i got when a hot girl or woman walked by. I did find guys attractive occasionally, but even then it wasn't like i had a crush on them at all. I have also dealt with OCD my whole life, but until recently i never worried about my sexuality. This changed last month. I'm not sure what the exact moment was, but i think i was having a dream where i was wrestling a guy and I woke up with an erection. For the next few days I started getting really worried at the thought that i might be gay, so i decided to masturbate excessively to women.

This did not help; i was so anxious that i could not ejaculate for 15 minutes, and the orgasm was hardly there. Later that day i was taking a walk, and things got even worse. Whenever i passed an attractive guy I would get these intrusive thoughts of me having anal sex with him and his naked body in general. While these thoughts felt really wrong and unnatural to me (i'm not homophobic at all, i just don't want to be gay) i kept getting unwanted feelings in my groinal area. To reassure myself, i looked at hot women while telling myself to get aroused, but i got no reaction at all. This spiked my anxiety in ways unimaginable, as i felt i had just turned gay like that. In the following weeks i was on the other side of the country visiting my friend, but i was constantly stressed out because i didn't want to get a crush on him or any of his guy friends.

I masturbated so much to women that i lost arousal to them. I still am not really attracted to guys and would not want to be in a relationship with one, but these groinal reactions (not erections) and rapid heartbeat i kept getting were me absolutely sure i was gay, and that all my heterosexual feelings until this point were just "denial". I didn't know who to talk to, so I questioned a bisexuality teens forum. It didn't help at all because i didn't give them much of a story and they just said i had discovered i was gay. I still like girls and i have crushes on them, but there's this weird part of my brain that keeps turning me away from them and the female physique because "i am gay". My anxiety has destroyed my sex drive, and these intrusive thoughts, pseudo-attractions and groinal responses to guys are making me ever-more stressed out. Please help, someone! this is wrecking my life.

I have trouble hanging out with my male friends for fear of develpoing a crush on them, and whenever i'm in school i constantly check my groinal reactions and whether i would rather kiss a boy or girl in my class. I am so anxious doing these checks that i sweat a lot and have to urinate every 20 minutes during class. I have had so many gay thoughts that i have become desensitized to them, and this makes that "gay voice" in my brain stronger. at home, i constantly masturbate to boys, and i can never get an erection to them, which briefly reassures me. However, whenever i masturbate to girls these days, my orgasms are interrupted by male images so i feel like i'm ejaculating to a man, which starts the vicious cycle over again. Because of my desensitization to the gay thoughts i am left to wonder: Is this OCD or am i in gay denial? Help!

What you have sounds like HOCD based on the fact that you said it started from a dream about wrestling with another guy and you were aroused by this. I think most men can't experience physical contact with anyone or anything in their genital region without getting an erection so that doesn't make you gay. I knew a guy who said that his teenage sons would get erections if they put the family dog in their lap, just something about grinding against anything causes an erection no matter what your core sexuality is.

However, if you are Bisexual it isn't the end of the world, you can just hide it from people. To be honest a lot of your problem sounds like you masturbate too much and all of the masturbation "checking" is making things worse and your mind more unstable.

Hi dear!

You should check out some of my stories. I'm a 23 y old female having similar issues. I almost always get aroused by women's bodies and images in my head and lesnian thoughts but I can guarantee that if I was invited to be with a woman I wouldn't do it. Its heartbreaking to go through this. The constant worry and count. I found lesbian porn on a video tape when I was 11 and got really aroused by what they were doing. Then a year later I was groomed by a female paedophile who convinced me I was gay. I'm still messed up from it but I always crushed on boys.

Thanks for the reply! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. One thing that I can't stand is ever since last month, i rotate from feeling straight-gay-bi-bicurious something like 15 times a day. I really can't stand it. I mean, i know inside i wouldn't do it with a guy but my OCD is screwing with me and convincing me i don't like girls! it's really torture. Do you know any way to possibly deal with it?

-- Wed May 07, 2014 6:13 pm --

Another thing i want to add is that thoughts of sexual contact with men make me feel wrong on the inside, but my brain keeps telling me that the distress from the thoughts is really "gay denial". I'm pretty sure i'm straight and have hocd, but it can be so powerful that a lot of the time i'm confused and anxious

http://jackieleasommers.com/tag/hocd/

Read this! Seriously it will help you out so much. My lesbian fears have been diminished within 10 minutes of reading this! The discussion ARE between women, but it can swing for anyone suffering with Homosexual OCD OR Heterosexual OCD (gays fearing they're straight).

alright calm down, it's just ocd. best thing to do is what I did, tell yourself you're Bi,I'm not but everytime i got an intrusive thought instead of panicing i would just be like it's ok I'm Bi, I know I'm not, but hey when i scared myself i realized i did not even like girls, nor have ever, i once even cried because i was wishing i could be gay so i could just say i was and stop worrying which makes no sense, i would get intrusive images of making out with girls, which i was just like ehh no thanks, but just let it happen like ok then, the more you resist the stronger the ocd, once you're calm, it goes away, I'm still straight and when im like this im like yeah whatever kissing girls, wont make me gay i just dont want too. but when i get into hocd mode im lke no no no i cant i wouldnt, no never omg, /gross sobing/ I don't want to give up liking boys, i could never kiss a girl i wouldnt i couldnt!! it's just a fear thing the more you scare yourself the longer it last you're not gay, if you were you wouldnt be scared of being gay, you'd be scared of telling you familly, or ashamed what others think not what you feel

oh yeah and the groin thing is just your package tightning up cuz you scared yourself, happends to my uhm lady parts when i get scrared too, it's not an attraction just muscles tensing up, kinda like when it's too cold it just sorta does that

Thanks for your responses! they really did help. I'm trying to NOT reassure myself or check my reactions to guys, cause that made it worse in the longrun. I really freaked out a few days ago because there was this test where it showed pictures of different men and i had to click the most attractive, and my results said i was gay. this spiked my anxiety so much that i was almost crying for a half hour, and it reignited my ocd. still, i'm doing my best to ignore it

Those tests are full of crap. I did them when I was 16 and they came out "you are a lesbian" "you are bisexual" "you are straight" for different ones. In the end of it, I know I want my boyfriend, I love his anatomy, and his body, and he makes me happy, and I love him!
I had a very triggering homosexual dream this morning and woke up feeling so upset and triggered. Homosexuals enjoy their feelings and images and thoughts and emotions to those of the same sex. If you're not happy with it, it means you're not one of them

I know inside those tests are crap, but my ocd tells me different. During the times when i'm not anxious, i am really happy withy liking girls and i don't even think about liking boys because when i'm happy i know it's not my thing. The thing that sucks nowadays is that when i'm anxious (often) i get an anxiety spike when looking at a GIRL because i'm worried that i won't be attracted to her enough. That's when my ocd takes advantage of me and tells me i am a closeted homosexual and this anxiety spike with cumpulsions can last for a whole day