In a terrifying place - Sharing my 'POCD' story

Well what I hope is POCD anyway.

I have currently just started therapy which is the first step and have just begun Prozac for my unwanted sexual obsessive thoughts so I really feel I am helping myself as much as possible although right now I genuinely want to jump off a bridge - although the thought scares me and I don't think I really want to die yet!

I am now 21, and the first time I noticed this was when I was 11 and I first saw my newborn niece. It wasn't the first baby I had seen, but the first time I got the weird and infamous 'groinal response'. It wasn't seeing her naked or in her nappy, it was just seeing her at all that seemed to spark it off. I wasn't aware of any thoughts about her or about doing anything to her, just the horrible unwanted twinge. At the time the feeling did confuse and alarm me but I don't think I really thought about it in detail. I got it quite frequently when I saw her, and I don't remember exactly when it subsidised its all a bit hazy and i cant remember whether i got it everytime id see her or if it was on and off for a few years, But when she got to about 4/5 she used to stay over a lot and I don't remember getting it anymore. It's odd because a lot of posts I've read had the horrible intrusive sexual thoughts without the response, or some get the thought then a response, which is what has concerned me.

I have also read a lot of people say that being a pedo emerges during puberty, which has freaked me out because it was at that age that I first had it :/

Anyway, I don't remember getting it again for some time until I was about 16, and I remembered that I'd had it for my niece. I was wondering what the hell that was about and started to obsess about it. I then started having it again when I'd see a mum pushing a pram, without even seeing an actual baby. It started to happen with kids in tv ads and stuff. I can't remember whether I was getting thoughts then either but I was feeling very aware that the feelings I was having were not normal and felt very wrong. I hated it. I used to think about it whilst at school and feel like even more of a freak than most teens already feel what with fitting in peer pressure and hormones etc. I remember once I broke down in hysterical tears to my mum about it and she was surprised to see how distraught I was but very understanding. All it took was her mentioning it to her counsellor (she has dealt with depression for most her life, probably worth mentioning), and for him to say it was 'normal' for it to go away! I felt that was all the reassurance I needed and the response stopped happening completely.

Between the ages of 18 and 21, I had a few occasions where it would pop up, this time with the thoughts, for example I'd see a pretty little girl on tv and would think 'what if I think she's attractive' and then would get a response. And it also happened a couple times on holiday seeing kids in their bikinis or trunks and I'd tell myself not to look because people would think I was some paedo! And then I'd get the response and an uncomfortable tense feeling. It disgusted me but I think I managed to distract myself and somehow just pass it off as some weird thought and feeling that we can get sometimes.

Anyway, 18 months ago another baby was born, a cousin. I didn't get any thoughts or response at all when seeing him/ holding him but I did get intrusive HOCD thoughts, e.g. what if I threw him out the Window etc! But the compulsions were not too strong and I felt confident that I was in control. I started seeing my cousin frequently and from when he was 6 months old me and my mum would babysit him once a week. I never had any POCD thoughts even when changing him, and I loved spending time with him so much that I thought I'd like to work in a nursery, (something I'd wondered about before but the idea of getting the response put me off). .. biggest mistake of my life!

For the first three weeks of the job, all was fine on the POCD front, but I was finding the job very tiring and overwhelming. The shifts were 8-6 and It was a big responsibility and a lot of new things to learn. There was an incident at work where several children were crying at once and I foolishly made a silly comment to another staff member like, 'Arghh kill me now! ' and later that day she kindly told the manager and deputy about it, who called me to their office. One didnt take it too seriously and asked if I was coping okay, said I could talk to them about any struggles etc, the other was a bit hostile and said to be careful what I said to other staff and in front of the kids.

I ended up getting quite tearful and felt annoyed and upset that the girl had been bitchy. Nothing was ever said about it but from then on I started feeling more anxious and nervous at work and as if I'd done something terrible and evil! That's when the intrusive thoughts and groinal response came back with a vengeance, worse than ever before! I would get it when just seeing the kids and there were particular kids I seemed to get it more with. I would think 'aww they look cute in that outfit' and then 'eww you fancy kids' and then I'd get the groinal. Or if I saw a little girls knickers it would trigger a response too. It seemed to mainly happen with girls rather than boys. Eventually it became so bad it would be even seeing a child's toy would provoke a response. I felt devastated it had come back and started Googling stuff which often made it worse. I remember noticing a baby girl sticking her bum in the air and that gave me a response at sleep times we had to gently rock the children to soothe them , if they wanted, and this became very uncomfortable for me so I tried to avoid it.

I felt horrific for secretly having these thoughts and feelings and couldnt take it anymore. I told to the manager i was experiencing some family problems and considering leaving but she encouraged me to try and keep at it. After only being there 6 weeks I emailed the manager one Sunday and said I was experiencing anxiety due to problems at home and didn't feel able to get in that day. I ended up leaving completely!

Another thing to mention is I once read an erotic fictional story about a girl who was only about 8 or 9 and used to like to be sexually abused by her stepfather - Im disgusted to admit i found these arousing and liked to pretend I was the girl. Also, in bed I do get off on being submissive with my boyfriend and being dominated.
I met my current lovely boyfriend when I was 19, over 2 years ago, and we've had a really good relationship. I have had some ROCD issues and irrational paranoia but nothing as awful as this. He knows a bit about the intrusive thoughts but not in detail. ..

I have told my mum, my therapist and my GP and none of them think I'm a pedophile. .but I still keep doubting because I don't understand it !!

My therapist thinks it is about me over identifying with the little ones and recognising my own vulnerability in them? That does make sense but it doesn't explain why I feel a sexual feeling. She thinks that maybe when I was little myself I was told off by a relative for touching myself and that it led to issues about feeling shameful about sex and bodies? I'm not sure what to make of this, but who knows. .. She thinks it is interesting how I only usually get it about girls too.

I remember a loving happy childhood and no memories of any abuse or sexual abuse at all, although I guess you could suppress this, I really don't think anything happened though.

For the past month ive been very withdrawn and can hardly function. Nothing seems to make sense or matter anymore. Even though I know I'd never do or want to do anything sexual with a child, the fact I get the response atall has ruined my life! I'm endlessly researching and obsessing and can hardly sleep although I'm in bed a lot and can barely and eat. :'( :'( I feel like I should punish myself and that I don't deserve to enjoy things. When I have forced myself out it has felt so false and wrong, that I shouldn't even be out in public !

Anyone relate ? x or have any supportive words at least. Thanks x

I know I'm PMing you right now, but I've had almost all of the above. I don't get groinals when I see baby toys or prams or anything, but mine fixates more on girls than boys too! And I left nursery jobs due to the bitchiness of the other women, not the POCD. I didn't even know about POCD at that age and was always able to sweep off the groinal responses as nothing. I had a boyfriend at the time and only thought about going to him at the weekend and being intimate with him. I had the same as you. See a little girls downstairs bit or knickers, and I'd feel a movement "down there." It was and still is a never ending nightmare. I get it with women too and I hate it. Like womens bodies get my hoo haa all excited and then I get really anxious about it. I first saw lesbian porn when I was 11 and got really really aroused by it. That was the first time I ever saw porn. I also got really aroused by some heterosexual porn that I found but it doesn't have the same effect as the lesbian porn. The lesbian porn seemed to make me more responsive in my downstairs area, but I'd always crushed on boys around my age or older than me so it didn't make sense. I don't wanna be with a woman, but their bodies turn my hoo haa on, I always crush on guys, and their bodies only semi turn me on, even if at all? Sometimes they actually just turn me off and do nothing for me, and that makes me SO upset.

When I was 12 I was groomed by a lesbian paedophile and she convinced me I was a lesbian. This was all done over the internet. I was then bullied in school for 3.5 years after I confided in a friend about this lesbian thing. Big mistake. She spread it around. So now anything related to lesbian or paedophile triggers a huge groinal response in me.

Finally, when I used to hear my parents having sex I'd get really really heavily aroused at that too.

How can I be really heavily aroused at heterosexual, homosexual, and paedophillia things ALL AT THE SAME TIME?! It blows my mind and doesn't make any sense to me at all. I've never had feelings of love towards women and children, not like I do towards men. I feel all bubbly and giggly and have a real crush thing towards men. With the other 2 it's just groinal response. MEH! I hate it!

-- Mon May 05, 2014 10:41 pm --

Forgot to mention that 4 weeks ago I DID have a period during one week where I was so horny for my boyfriend. I'm not even kidding I wanted him for 4 days in a row I was completely wanting him and turned on by him and only him and the arousal was way way stronger than the pedophile ocd or lesbian ocd that I had. It felt good and relaxed and wanted and I felt SO HAPPY!

I've not had that for a long long time. I don't know if I've ever had that really before. I can't remember. That really sucks.

That's really good about your boyfriend! The arousal is much different and actually pleasant and enjoyable. This is horrible. We both know that we will never DO anything yet that is little relief when you still have all this going on!
I think it has spiralled so much that I get it for anything associated with it now.
I'm devastated because I've always wanted loads of kids and never thought I'd maybe get this for them, but now I think I definitely will because it feels like it's taken over and has become embedded into me!!!! Maybe years of therapy could undo it who knows. My parents who I live with are very worried about me. They think it's just thoughts and I'm beating myself up way too much but I can't stop. Can you imagine cuddling your newborn baby after just having the amazing experience of giving birth and getting a groinal response or intrusive thought! Sorry to be negative but this is going to taint every single life experience. My main goal was to be a mum and bring up a family maybe there's still hope but I don't know.

I have also always had severe social anxiety and developed a phobia of school and interviews. Ice breaker activities are my worst nightmare. I also have emetophobia although it isn't as bad as it's been in the past. I hate using public loos and have to do all sorts of things like not touching any thing directly on my skin, it has to be through toilet paper. And I'm also really obsessive about personal hygiene! I always feel dirty even after a long shower or bath!

Wow I have emetophobia too!!! I have a huge thing about spitting and can't be around people who do that. It makes me so sick so I avoid social occasions like parties and stuff and I avoid people who cough loud and do gross things.

What people say about us "knowing" we will never do anything triggers me, because I always hear a voice saying "well I don't know if I would ever do anything or not." It's absolutely tormenting. Like you, I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy, especially to a little girl. I never had any thoughts of any private bits. I thought about the child, about activities, helping her with homework, cuddles when she hurts herself. Now all I can think is "will I or won't I touch her if I get a groinal response to her ... thing..." It drives me mental! I hate these thoughts and the groinal responses associated with them.

Take this as conjecture, because I'm not a therapist. But if it's any consolation, I don't believe there's anything "wrong" with either of you. To me, this is the give-away:

"Like you, I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy, especially to a little girl."

Feeling aroused when you see a newborn, and even when you merely see a stroller/pram (that's another clue) seems to be the result of a powerful maternal instinct -- not something purely sexual. Even a very young woman's sexuality and her maternal urges are closely related to each other, especially on a subconscious level.

If you want to be a mother that badly, then sometimes it's going to permeate your whole body, not just exist on the surface of your thinking brain. Your genes have built you to reproduce; it's nature. Some girls' maternal instincts kick in much more powerfully than others -- no two humans are alike, after all -- and your reproductive area is simply giving you signals that go along with getting pregnant. A deep-seated parental desire is going to have side effects. You can't disconnect your brain from your body, even if it would be convenient sometimes.

Just something to think about. Try to stop worrying, and trust yourselves, since you had the objectivity to look at your urges from the outside. A lot of people can't do this, or simply won't. And try to feel glad that you're so healthfully in touch with your own body, as many women experience just the opposite.

SolitudeLover wrote:Take this as conjecture, because I'm not a therapist. But if it's any consolation, I don't believe there's anything "wrong" with either of you. To me, this is the give-away:

"Like you, I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy, especially to a little girl."

Feeling aroused when you see a newborn, and even when you merely see a stroller/pram (that's another clue) seems to be the result of a powerful maternal instinct -- not something purely sexual. Even a very young woman's sexuality and her maternal urges are closely related to each other, especially on a subconscious level.

If you want to be a mother that badly, then sometimes it's going to permeate your whole body, not just exist on the surface of your thinking brain. Your genes have built you to reproduce; it's nature. Some girls' maternal instincts kick in much more powerfully than others -- no two humans are alike, after all -- and your reproductive area is simply giving you signals that go along with getting pregnant. A deep-seated parental desire is going to have side effects. You can't disconnect your brain from your body, even if it would be convenient sometimes.

Just something to think about. Try to stop worrying, and trust yourselves, since you had the objectivity to look at your urges from the outside. A lot of people can't do this, or simply won't. And try to feel glad that you're so healthfully in touch with your own body, as many women experience just the opposite.

SolitudeLover, thanks for that amazing comment! It made me feel a lot better and even temporarily got rid of thoughts and responses. It makes sense, I have always wanted to be a mother and felt very caring and maternal in a completely innocent and genuine way. Nothing sinister at all! I am trying to re-learn that about myself. I convinced myself i was some horrific paedo and would have to committ suicide and now I think im definitely in no way a paedo and i'm going to be okay!

brunettegirl wrote:SolitudeLover, thanks for that amazing comment! It made me feel a lot better and even temporarily got rid of thoughts and responses. It makes sense, I have always wanted to be a mother and felt very caring and maternal in a completely innocent and genuine way. Nothing sinister at all! I am trying to re-learn that about myself. I convinced myself i was some horrific paedo and would have to committ suicide and now I think im definitely in no way a paedo and i'm going to be okay!

You're definitely going to be okay. You've since mentioned another big hint: You had the worst time from March through May. I don't think it's a coincidence that your reproductive urges made themselves known in the springtime! If they return a bit next year, acknowledge that it's seasonal, and don't panic. You simply have a powerful connection to your maternal qualities -- in keeping with Nature. So you can blame her.