My HOCD life.

Hey everyone

First off I wanted to thank you for taking your time to read this and hopefully answer some of my questions. Obviously THE question I keep asking myself is "whats my sexual orientation?" and it scares the hell out of me to think that I can't be what I always have been. Heres my story.

I'm a 24 Y/O male, and about five years ago I had my first panic attack. After my first panic attack I kept myself isolated. I never went out with friends, I stopped watching TV/playing games, basically I stopped doing anything that was pleasurable to me; I was extremely scared to do any of these things. I dont know where the fear stemmed from, but it was there; and it was extremely debilitating. During this time I remember going to the hospital over the smallest things because I feared for my life. My health anxiety had lasted till about last year when I quit smoking cigarettes, and Im relieved that im over that part of my life. Back to the topic.

After about 9 months I decided to start socializing again. Keep in mind not many people knew what I was going through, or even tried sympathizing with me. One of the earlier nights of me getting back to my routine's was the night that changed my life. I was still extremely anxious, and I got into a back and forth with my best friend. I dont remember why we were fighting but somewhere in the argument we started going back and forth with the slurs. I called him a homo, #######1, gay, and bunch of other stuff to piss him off, but he finished it off. The argument ended when he said "you're gay but you just dont know it yet".

Since then I've been constantly questioning my sexuality.

I dont want to be jumping all over the place with this but I feel like I should tell you guys a little more about my past and hopefully we can draw some conclusions from these insights.

-I grew up a loner with two sisters and basically those two were my only friends till I was 10

-I've always been obese. Since I can remember, Ive always been overweight. When I was in elementary school I remember crushing on this girl. I told one of my buddies, and the world spread like wildfire. She didnt want me. Thats one example of me being turned down, and Ive always been turned down.

-When I was younger I had a nanny that sexually assaulted me. We did a lot of graphic stuff, and I remember wanting it, even though I was 9-11 y/o at the time.

-I've always fantasized about women in my dreams. I never had a dream with a male sexual partner.

-My second, and last, sexual experience I couldnt keep an erection. I was 19 at the time, so you'd think Id be able to. I always attributed that night to my being overweight.

-I have gotten erections dancing with girls, but not all the time. When I first got into high school, I remember grinding with this girl and trying to finger bang her (she kept taking my hands out her pants, WTF?) but I dont remember having an erection.


These things seem clear to me looking back that I wasnt gay, but that doesnt help me now. Now a days the evidence has been stacking to me being gay.

Recently whenever I see a guy I get this weird sensation in my penis, but dont get that same feeling when I look at girls. Also, whenever I smoke weed I look back at my past and I visualize myself being gay this whole time. I'm constantly making sure I dont look or sound gay. I have a gaydar, and can tell if a guy is gay or not (not always accurate). I can tell when gay guys are hitting on me, but in the past havent been able to tell if a girl was. These problems might sound small, but imagine not being able to do anything the whole day cause this is all you think about?

I just want a little help.

Please share your thoughts on my situation. If you have any questions dont hesitate to ask.

Thanks

OCDLOL

I would say go out and stop facing this fear of becoming gay or appearing gay. HOCD wants you to worry about these things and that's what's fueling it. You are getting a groinal response because it's something that causes you anxiety. Your clearly depressed because you stopped doing everything you love so I suggest you go see a physchologst preferably an OCD specialist and tell him yor symptoms. It looks like HOCD to me but someone will come on here and make you doubt that. Do you remember when you were younger what turned you on? If you look at a picture of a naked girl and a naked man which one do you experience an erection or are turned on by? Just because you couldn't get it up at 19 one time doesn't mean your gay. I've had sex with 12 girls and I'm 19 with a beautiful girlfriend. Let me tell you something my friend, their have been times I couldn't get it up either. Whether it was nerves, anxiety, being tired, drunk or not really feeling fully attracted to the girl. This does not mean you are gay. Guys don't want to talk about stuff like that because it makes you "less of a man", and I'm sure all of your friends have experienced this more than once. Everyone thinks if your a man you should be able to get it up anytime any place anywhere, but the truth is we are only human. What HOCD does is it TURNS EVERYTHING on you and tries to make it seem like your whole past was a lie and you are actually gay. Their is no fighting or negotiating with OCD, because it's obsessive and based on doubt. Like I said I had sex with a dozen girls and have been dating my girlfriend for a year in which we have sex about 4-8 times a week. Every time we have sex I still have that OCD doubt after, even though I was just clearly turned on by her body and making love to her, even though all signs in my past have pointed towards me being clearly straight and not once ever turned on by another dude.

My point is, no matter how much evidence you have towards you being straight, liking girls and not men, OCD will doubt that. By you reacting to it and trying to prove otherwise, you only give it more and more fuel by legitimizing it as a thought that means something. Next time a thought pops in your head about being gay, simply agree with it "yea I'm gay" and move on. What your doing is starving the thought from what it wants, and what it wants is you to react, flip out about it, test yourself, prove to yourself, and than once this is done, it simply starts up again, just an ongoing cycle.

Let me ask you a few questions before I'm off this:
1) have you been getting erections since you were younger over women?
2) have you ever gotten an erection thinking about men, or get them on the daily?
3) since you were younger, who did you notice you were attracted to without the judgment of anybody else, including society itself? Who does your body react to sexually is what I'm asking ? Boys or girls?

Hey dude thanks for the reassurance

Since I could remember I've been having erections over women

I've never had an erection which was caused by a male

I was never a very sexual person, but my body has always reacted sexually to women.

The question about the past is the hardest to answer cause when I analyze my past I do so with OCD goggles. Add that to the fact that our memories are pretty much $#%^, and it makes you question yourself more.

Exactly dude. That is your answer right there. Gay men are not attracted to women. I have never talked to a gay man and heard him say he was attracted to women all his life and than just turned gay. Of course their are exceptions but this is rarely the case. Again, I don't want to reassure you anything because no answer is good enough, if it was none of us would even be here. The fact you have only reacted sexually to women your whole life, and not to men is because you are straight. I understand some dudes are not the biggest sexual studs, and I am not either, but don't be afraid of anything anyone has to say about you. This is your life bro, you get this chance one time, do you really wanna look back and say you wasted all this time worrying about something that your not, cus I certainly don't and that's why I chose to go out and still follow my feelings towards women and my attraction towards women. Your OCD can make you doubt anything about yourr past, it could make you doubt anything about your actions, about who you are and what you like. But what cannot be lied about is how your body reacts sexually to women. And about that weed thing you stated, whenever you smoke you become more paranoid. I've been a pothead for 2 and a half years. Never once did a gay thought come into my head while smoking, I loved getting high with my friends and enjoying life. However turning into a pothead I think made me part OCD in the fact that I wasn't even enjoying my high anymore and was always the paranoid one when high. After HOCD hit me in march of last year, the thoughts would be most questioned and analyzed when high. This is simply the fact that weed makes you paranoid and makes you think. I'd say if you haven't already to stop smoking, which I am currently in a struggle to do. It only makes OCD worse and is a depressant.