My Pure-O is causing a lot of anxiety...please help

Here's my story...
When I was young I was mentally,physically and sexually abused my biological mother would put tie me up in a closet and not feed me dinner because I wanted a toy or she would hit me if I opened the fridge for some water or some fruit...it got to the point that I had to sneak into the bathroom during the night so I can drink water from the toilet and at some point she would call my grandparents(fathers side) and tell them she couldn't take care of me so they would drive down from NJ to Kansas city to pick me up and they cared and gave me all the love I didnt get... this was at the age of 3-5 which really sucks because I dont know how I remember all of this and I wish I didnt...my grandmom would tell me that when she took custody of me I had bruises around my neck and body and my teeth were rotten and every time we had visitors I would run under the table and hide until they left but little by little I changed and opened up socially and after that around the age of 8 we moved to Puerto Rico...around the age of 10 I arrived from a trip and I was completely happy until a negative thought of killing my grandmother popped in my head...I got really scared and started crying because I didnt know why I was getting these thoughts and then I kept on thinking why did these thoughts show up in the first place...I was always crying because it wasn't only with her but with other loved ones as well...like I would be with my best friend and a thought of punching him would pop up...I told her about this and she cried because she didnt understand but she held my hand through it and always hugged and kissed me saying "its ok these aren't real thoughts and everything will be fine...I promise"...so we went to a psychologist and they treated me for a couple of years I think they gave me Zoloft and therapy but my grandmother never explained what I had...so after that the thoughts went away and I was happy again but between the age 11 and 19 there was a lot of stress because my grandparent son was a heroin addict and I would always be in the middle of the fights between them and when I was 19 my grandfather died and it was devastating news to my family and it took a huge toll on us but I had to be strong for my grandmother because I was the only one she had and I was the man of the house so I had to drop out of college because of financial problems and start working and around the time my grandfather died I had been talking to a great girl and she supported me through this because she had lost her father also a couple of years before this incident so she understood and shortly after that we became boyfriend and girlfriend and about 4 years into a good relationship I lost my job and my car and that's when the death of my grandfather made its huge impact on me and that's when the intrusive thoughts started happening again I had thoughts of harming my loved ones and my gf and also another thought popped in my head and it was doubt's about my love for her which was extremely debilitating because we had a good relationship and I loved her a lot and I would cry to her and she didn't understand the problem after explaining the intrusive thoughts but she didn't understand and she didn't support me through it so after almost 2 months we broke up because she was unhappy and it made things worse for me I never heard from her again and I missed her so much but my intrusive thoughts never left and it consumed me little by little my grandmother still held my hand but she was very sad and I thought I was crazy because I still didn't understand why I was getting these horrible thoughts but I kept on searching the internet and I finally came across pure ocd and i had the exact same symphtoms and the simple thought that I wasn't alone in this brought tears to me and my grandmoms eyes I was so happy and relieved to read this...knowing that the thoughts aren't real and that I wasn't going crazy helped me a lot but the thoughts we still there so I went for some help and the psychiatrist said that I had generalized anxiety disorder and ocd...she said that my child hood caused scars and at that age I should've been playing and getting all the love from my parent but instead I was mentally and physically abused so she sent me to receive group therapy but sadly I never went...but after all of this I felt good again but I missed my girlfriend and was very sad so I was celibate(no sexual intercourse) for 2 years because I still loved her and then I got in 2 relationships but they ended up screwing me over until I met my current girlfriend she is beautiful,amazing,smart,funny,caring and she gives me so much love and I'm so in love with her...we started out by just texting and then we went out just as friends because we have so much in common but we never had the thought of "hey let's go out on a date to get to know each other " it was just a friendship but seeing how amazing she is made me fall for her and she only saw me as a friend nothing else!!...until one night we were in my car and we were cuddling because we were bff but we got closer to each other and it felt like we were being pushed closer and closer until we started kissing and it was just amazing I dont have words to describe it I have had been in a couple of relationships already but this was completely mind blowing...I have never experienced this feeling before and not only was the kiss amazing but it was pationate and very romantic like I felt my stomach moving and my body was shivering and we were both confused what was happening because it was perfect and at that moment I knew something about us was special so we became closer and closer and we made love and we saw each other every day and were on the phone for countless hours but after that she had to go to mexico because she was starting med school and we maintain a good relationship and we are on the phone for more than 8 hours everyday we can't go on a day without each other and we watch Netflix together(we do a count down and press play at the same time)...we are on the phone together when we are sleeping(I know it may sound weird but its cute) and she came to PR for schristmas and I slept at her house and we did everything together and we have plans for the future I'm extremely happy and I'm happy that I found my soulmate...but recently I got into a car accident I almost lost my job and because of this all my bills are late by 2 months and the car is still in the shop and I've been going through a lot of stress and anxiety and then the thoughts came back "do I love her!?"...and its horrible because before all of this I was completely happy and now sometimes I feel emotionally numb,stressed with a lot of anxiety and this is feeding my intrusive thoughts even more even though I know the thoughts aren't real they are still there and I'm having trouble getting them out because of the anxiety and stress I'm going through right now and I spoke to her about this and she said that she won't turn her back on me because she loves me and we do have bumps here and there but we are great together and I dont want the same thing to happen with her like it did in the previous relationship I had...like just today we had a small argument and after we fixed things another thought popped into my head "break up with her" and my heart started pounding really fast and I started to sweat but I'm tired of these thoughts...I dont want them!!!...I want to be happy but it seems to trigger when I'm under a lot of stress.

Hi andy1031,
On one side you had a horrible childhood and in order to survive you did what you had to do.
like a friend who survived the war in Serbia but saw her family killed, she saidto me: the energy that you used to survive that moment, you already used it. Now use your energy to get better, not to live again those things of the past that have hurt me.

ideal, but i have no control sometimes of what goes on within me. i grew up with a non ideal home, many years later my father stopped drinking and we moved on with the fantasy version of the family we wanted to be....i had my issues, i always kept them to myself...i am 52....two major crisis...we started investigating episodes of psychosis with my psych....i took medicine until now, never before, mainly because of ignorance, not that i did not needed it.

we have discover DID, dissassociations....i shift to cope....We have also discover the sabotage
and some ingredients of borderline which also is developped after somekind of abuse.
i live with anxiety, extreme most of the time...and some OCD...so this is the menu.

first, get to know yourself, there is nothing to change, if knowledge and acceptance are not present... share...but do not tell everything...i can not imagine someone i love telling me that in his thoughts he wants to kill me now and then...do be aware of those thoughts, and then read back the circunstances in which they occurs...what triggers them!!!
i have been in therapy already three years and i am still in baby steps, but i am learning to take distance from feelings and thoughts, and trying to understand them within a context.

mindfulness, helps me breathing....anxiety...
in extreme cases i have been taking small dosis of oxazepam to survive the anxiety...
i am taking complex B, all the omegas, vitamin C, St Jan's thee and magnesium,
all these things help me calm down...but i have also slowly but for sure, changed my lifestyle
to bring down the anxiety and those things that trigger the negative within..


i do not have answers. but this is more like a life path that we get to walk...
you will not bring the kind back, but you need to deal with the consequences of the
misformed world where he had to live...
if we are able to digest this properly, this will become instrument to help others, to accept others,
to be able to live with others.
keep in touch and read a lot, you are not alone!!