POCD entering my dreams

Seriously going to lose it. I've had few OCD thoughts this week because I've been so ill but noe its back and attacking me in my sleep. I wake up feeling aroused and there's a part of me that feels like I want the dreams I'm having.

**trigger warning**

In the dream there was a little girl I used to look after. She was aged 5. We were in the nursery I used to work at. We were alone and her little sister was elsewhere. I had a picture in my hand of the clothes they should be wearing. The little sister had them on already but I had to change the older child. I was taking off her clothes one by one and folding them neatly and placing them on the floor next to me. I didn't get to the underwear. There was a T-shirt a dress and some leggings. Suddenly she was under a blanket completely naked laying on her back. Blanket covered her entirely up to her neck and I could only see her head. In the dream i remember picturing what her privates might look like as she's laying there (as I'm typing this there's this voice saying "sweet young vagina, bet it looks good, touch it! Bet its smooth") and I was resisting the urge to pull back the cover to look. I remember really fighting with this urge in my nightmare. I looked at the picture and started picking out the matching clothes from the backpack and she said "don't worry I'm not masturbating yet" and smiled. I looked at her shocked and said "how do you know about stuff like that?!" And she said "oh I know everything". She was 5 for crying out loud! Then I woke up feeling aroused

This whole thing is upsetting me so much and what makes it worse is I have this dirty old man voice in my head saying "mmmm yeah i like it"

When I had hocd I used to have lesbian dreams and wake up aroused. Just 2 nights ago I had a dream about my mom and she was naked in the dream and I went upstairs and started to masturbate but couldn't get off to it. (That all happened in the dream just to clarify I didn't try and get off to my mom naked. Ew?)

Im at my wits end.

I hear a voice saying i want confirmation im a pedophile then i can master a plan to try and molest. I mean seriously why now??? I had so many opportunities to do these things in the past but never did. I try so hard to feel attracted to men again but now im losing that too. I had the same things when i had homosexual ocd. Because of the intensity of the arousal that i have had during hocd and now pocd, its like im transforming into a lesbian pedophile or something?!

This is ridiculous. My first crush was a boy! I have crushed on boys a lot in life. The first boy i crushed on was 8 months younger and at age 11 i remember feeling weird about that (that he was younger than me).

Sorry if this is graphic but part of my compulsions is to confess and i just had to get it out of my head!!! What makes it worse is i dont even feel anxiety. Just a deep sense of upset and wanting to cry after having these thoughts and dreams like that. my life feels like its gonna be destroyed!

Hi HMSS -

That's some rough stuff. I have had problems with OCD and dreams. I imagine this is because the anxiety is still there when I am sleeping and just creates images and scenarios in the way that dreams do.

Would you say that the arousal you feel when you wake up is the same kind of arousal you feel when you see a man you find very attractive?

Having a "dirty old man" voice in your head sounds like OCD. The dirty old man is a stereo type we grow up with and is a perfect symbol when being taunted by thoughts we don't want.

I'm sorry if you've said this already but have you seen a therapist ever?

Otter.

Hi Otter,

I have recently spoken with someone yes and I've been working with a specialist lately. Just waiting to hear when the next session will be.

Well, I know that when I've had a sexual dream about my boyfriend, I woke up 10 times more aroused than that horrifying dream. That's the first time I've ever had anything like that in my dreams. I find men attractive but I don't always feel "aroused" by them, because I'm so hypersensitive to HOCD and POCD, that it's kind of made me lose sight of "reality." When I first saw my boyfriend naked on Skype, well hell yeah then that kind of arousal was very hard to die down lol. It was damn intense. When I first joined this site almost 2 months ago, the arousal then was so intense, I was soaked in my downstairs region, and throbbing with arousal, but no matter how aroused I was by my thoughts and images, I refused to give in and masturbate to that crap. I remember laying in the bed completely resisting and I pulled through. I've not had that since thank god!

UGH!

Just remember that dreams are essentially mental noise. They don't really mean much. It is sort of the same thing as putting value on an intrusive thought. Have you ever had a silly or weird dream? Or a dream in which you died? But did you give those dreams the same value?

I actually recently saw this, which is a photographer's representation of his nightmares during sleep paralysis. http://io9.com/a-victim-of-sleep-paraly ... 1528022524

Yet do of any of these make sense of things as actual things to be afraid of that happen?

Yes I've had plenty of silly and weird dreams, but a lot of my dreams are to do with sexual stuff, or my family. As it happens, my family have all decided to f*** off and disown me. It doesn't help with this situation one bit, not to mention my health is deteriorating (bad teeth) causing more physical symptoms such as tiredness, headaches, sore neck, stiff jaw. I've got a dentist appointment, trying to get prepared for that and full of anxiety! OCD, HA! No time for that right now! I had another POCD dream last nigt but I actually can't remember what it was. I do remember seeing the word paedophile (English UK spelling). That's all I remember though. Probably a good thing too. I hate this crap so so much, but on another level, it feels like an enjoyment.
My brain has started saying "I wish I was one of them, so I could be different. It's so rebellious." I mean really?! I know this is all OCD noise, but sometimes it sounds so bloody real, and because there is the difference between "you" and "I". I'm already different, and I've only ever wanted to try and be a good person.
I've even had questions like "well why is it really wrong to touch a child?" But then I go to the logic - they can't give consent, bodies aren't ready, psychological damage. It's more the fact of "I know it's wrong, but I don't fully understand WHY. I just know it should not be done."

Yesterday my friends little niece came to visit. She's 5. The age range of my POCD targetting. It was a nightmare. She'd wet her pants so as soon as she came into the house she was scratching herself "down there." I saw she was doing it, and instantly got a groinal, then looked away. I could barely look at the child the whole time she was there, and it broke my heart. She's the cutest. She came and cuddled me, and sat next to me on the sofa and started tickling me, with this cute little smile. I tickled her back and smiled, but then felt uncomfortable so shuffled away a bit, and turned a game on my boyfriends laptop to get distracted. The whole time she was there, I was aroused. Even when I was trying to get distracted. It wouldn't stop and it was horrid. I tried looking at the little girl (normally) y'know? I just couldn't. I kept having to look away. She doesn't speak a word of English, but I could understand some of the cute little Swedish she was coming out with. I kinda said to myself that little kids can pick up when a person is dangerous, and she spent so much time hovering around me and cuddling me and smiling at me, that really, I can't be dangerous or creepy at all. However in the past there were incidents where little girls would run and hide behind mommys, and one 18 month old refused to let her Mom put her in her carseat once when I was in the car, and clung to her Mom for dear life. So that provokes a question "does the child know something or sense some danger on me?"

Sorry for the long post... it's just... taking over.