HOCD? Denial? I'm lost

I'm an 18 year old female and have been dealing with OCD since I was about 4...I have been diagnosed by several doctors and it's been consistent with the diagnosis. I've been struggling with this for the past 2 months and I feel lost. Please read on.

My history. I am 18. I have liked guys all my life as long as I can remember I would go to sleep thinking of them, when I was about 6...I would think of everything dealing with males. I don't remember ever having a crush on a girl. However I remember growing up I thought the girls on jerry springer were really sexy...I don't think it was sexual attraction I think it was more admiration like I admired their sexual confidence and wanted to be like them. But I'm not sure I was young. I thought it was nice when they would be intimate with guys. I am the furthest from homophobic. I went to gay pride with my lesbian friends and have been an advocate for gay rights...I have dated guys always been in long term relationships but I'd think 3 some porn was hot with two girls and one guy. I was in love with this guy and I couldn't imagine my life without him at the time. I felt perfect in his arms. When I was about 15 I talked to a few girls because I was curious I had done webcam with a girl once time and then never again...and during that time I was completely okay with being curious and didn't mind. My point is I was completely open to the thought of it...it was fleeting and I didn't find girls romantically interesting & I did not want to have sex with girls. I never questioned my sexuality my friends and peers would all call me gay it never phased me because I knew I was straight and I was and always have been open to all people. I was sexually assaulted and soon after I had a lapse in attraction to men. My gay friend told me their coming out stories so I started questioning how do I know? When do people know? Why do some people deny it? I would cry and have anxiety attacks I would spend 5 or 6 hours obsessing thinking that I'd never be able to fall in love with a male again. I went as far to "come out" to my family. I'm scared that the curiosity made me gay or maybe it didn't admire the girls on tv maybe I liked them but didn't want to admit it. I spend hours and hours researching reading crying skipping class not eating and examining every same sex event. I would check my responses to women and then freak out if I behaved the wrong way. I do think women are beautiful works of art however I can't imagine hooking up with one or holding their hand or marrying them. Even during my curious stage the though of hooking up with a girl was disgusting to me. I have never met a woman and gotten butterflies or wanted to be intimate or romantic with one. I have no opposition to being gay at all. My parents family and friends would all support me but it just doesn't feel like me...I LOVED me. I LOVED being with them I loved being in love with them. My mind tells me I'm gay and I hate it. I'm so scared I'll end up being gay and never being happy. I've always imagined my life with a man getting married having kids. That's what I wanted...I don't think girls are sexually attractive at least I don't think I do I can acknowledge when a female is beautiful but it's not like I want to go bang her or long to know her. Does this sound gay to you? I'm so afraid that when I was curious that I was really gay and now I suppressing my real thoughts and that when I was younger I actually liked the women on TV not their sexual confidence. I'm so afraid I feel like all of my hopes and dreams are ruined. Is it normal to be curious? I never wanted to date women. I've always been confident in my sexuality and it never phased me when people called me a lesbian or bi because I knew I wasn't. Now I'm afraid I'm just in denial. Does this sound like denial or OCD? I don't want to be a lie or get married and then end up being a lesbian it scares me so badly. I want to stop obsessing and spending every waking moment thinking about this...ill take being gay if it means I can just feel like myself again. My life feels ruined. I want to be able to fall in love with aan again I want that feeling back. I never felt that with a woman. Please help

Oh, that must be really difficult, ocdcrazy! It is so hard having that doubt and anxiety gnawing away. I haven't experienced it myself. But read many other stories of people struggling with similar fears. And the thing is, there isn't an easy answer.

obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html is a very good place to start reading. Written by a man who's been through similar. As well as other variations. One of the points there is that there is no way to know 100%. And it's that trying to know that causes much of the problem. Not the gay / straight issue itself. Checking is the worst activity. It gives the illusion that it's going to return a factual answer. But it doesn't! Any response can be twisted by OCD thinking. It pretends to be soooo rational but that's a lie.

It's super hard to just be with the anxiety. To just say "I don't know right now." And have that be an OK answer. That's the path though. Doesn't matter then whether it's HOCD or denial. There isn't an answer. You don't know right now. That's all. That's OK. From all I've read here, this won't go on for ever. And it won't block you from living and loving who you want to, when they come into your life.

Check out my thread I posted. Post any questions if you're unclear about something on there. This question is asked a lot, so back in November I created a thread about it that attempts to answer it.

obsessive-compulsive/topic129375.html