Intrusive thought/impulse

I haven't visited the forums for awhile. I'm a 17 year old male suffering with POCD/OCD/PureO and I want to ask if anyone has suffered from this.

I've been suffering a great deal with POCD the past 2 years and I've been dealing with it quite well until today something extremely upsetting happened. Earlier today I had told myself quite suddenly and bluntly to look up CP without a conscious thought on what the thought actually was.
Ever since the thought entered my mind I have been telling myself I'm interested in watching C(Porn) although I could never find myself searching it up without feeling remorse and disgust, although I know I am not genuinely interested I feel like I'm telling myself otherwise. When the thought arises groinal responses are triggered too, as if to support the idea that I am genuinely interested. Any small coincidence that has happened since the event I have written down as a point to support the idea that I am actually a pedophile. I wrote ''fact'' instead of idea in the previous line and that triggered anxiety too. ''Support the fact I am actually a pedophile'', as if my subconscious was suggesting something true.

Does anyone understand this spike? The fact my impulsive thought felt so real and attacked me so suddenly? Was it to keep my anxiety visible? Should I let this go, was it an only intrusive thought? The guilt and doubt feels very realistic.

I know how you feel. I've had impulses to download CP, and even arousal from the thought of doing so, but I try to imagine just one image of CP. Someone doing something to a child, and that child crying. Immediately the arousal is gone and I feel an intense and deep emotional pain. (Kinda going through the motions in my body as I type this out). Part of me thinks, am I just not downloading it because I don't want to get caught. The thing is, I've been around children a lot, working as a nursery nurse, and in fact the more time I spent around them, I wasn't aroused. Perhaps 1 or 2% of the time if they had made a sexual action. I've been reading a bunch of forums. Here's a couple of links.

http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapi ... edophilia/

http://forums.psychcentral.com/ocd-tric ... ughts.html

The one comment at the bottom of the last one was interesting, "People's bodies respond sexually to sexual thoughts/actions."

MY problem is, the intensity level of the arousal. It's a nightmare. I'm a 23 year old woman, who had always dreamed of having a little girl. Braid her hair, pretty pink dresses, baking together, reading stories, raising her to be everything she can be and giving her the best out of life. Now I am scared to even have sex with my boyfriend, because the images of me molesting children in my brain cause intense arousal in my body and groin, even though I feel shame and hurt for thinking and imagining these things, but it's because I associate arousal to pleasure. It's all very complex. There was a part of me that actually started just accepting that I was a peadophile and that I would live a life lonely, in a house, downloading nothing but CP and getting off to it, until eventually I get caught and thrown in the slammer, or suicide myself because I hate myself for thinking I actually enjoy this stuff. Put me in the situation, and I guarentee I wouldn't take the opportunity. I've had so many opportunities to act out past intrusive thoughts, but I haven't. I have been taught that peadophiles know from a very young age, as young as 11. They are sexually attracted to children and want relationships with them. I don't want either of those, I just have strong arousal when I read words such as "peadophile, sexual" or other words of a sexual nature. Even the word "children" has become a trigger for me, because I read so many stories on child abuse, that I think my mind is so delicate to the information I'm reading, I'm then using my imagination to create scenarios. I've always been sexually attracted to male adults, and perhaps the odd female from time to time. I've had HOCD, ROCD and now POCD. It's a vicious cycle and until you learn to just accept that the thoughts are thoughts and the body's responses can be false ones, it will not end. I am trying to teach myself as much as I can, these things I am writing here. Peadophiles go out and act on their thoughts and urges, and they make excuses as to why it is right. I had 2 images in my mind involving kids, both of different ages. What I was doing to them would not cause them any harm, so my mind said "Well, then it's okay to do these things" but my morals know that it's not okay, but yet I still get arousal from thinking these things.. Do you see how destructive it can be? Questioning every thought, feeling and emotion in our bodies. That is part of OCD. When I thought I didn't love my boyfriend, I stopped loving everyone, I wanted to die, I felt numb, and I had the urge to dump him on many occasions. It's an absolute nightmare. Those thoughts have settled down. They linger in the back of my mind but now the POCD has come along and is battering me.

You will get there...

-- Wed Jan 08, 2014 7:08 am --

Forgot to add I've had many sexual thoughts growing up, all provoking arousal in my body. My parents having sex, other people having sex. I had this intrusive thought that I wanted to masturbate one of my classmates once. Since the POCD has come back, so has that thought surprisingly enough. We were both about 15 at the time. It's crazy what the brain thinks, the images, and the body's responses to it. I focus so much on sex related things that I don't see the action for what it is, all the time. Molesting a child is wrong, but it's a sexual act, thus provoking a sexual response in the body, because it's sexual. I focus more on the fact that it's sex related. I forget that it is a child involved. When people have sex, sometimes they act out their most disgusting fantasies. Suffice to say, when I have sex with my boyfriend, I get quite worried that the images will come back. Sometimes they do, and they provoke arousal, even though I am trying to push them away and think of something else. The fact is, these thoughts, bodily responses, urges to act out on these responses, they are unwanted. Peadophiles want to act out on their urges, they want to download CP, they want to surround themselves with children, and they take any opportunity they can get to be alone with a child so they can act out upon them..

MAY TRIGGER
I can't thank you enough for you post. I definitely needed to read a post/response like this because I've been suffering a great deal with the above.
I too selectively see the sexual settings. I see past it being completely immoral, but unintentionally. I do not see the child as the sexual subject, but instead the sexual subject is what creates my arousal, this is usually applied to children because of fear and obsession. I would love to have arousal created exclusively by my partner or females if not with her, rather than view the humane spectrum as sexual subjects. I understand what you mean by that. It's the same for myself, sexual content or anything related to sex results in my bodily response, not the child, animal, elderly, dead, inanimate, etc. The sexual element is what creates the confusing arousal and my obsessive thinking is what extends the anxiety and confusion because it attaches itself to a selective subject (Children/POCD, other men or women/HOCD). I have gone to the extent of imagining sexual scenarios with children, no pleasure or arousal was gained from thinking of this. I still noticed the arousal was still lingering but once I thought of my partner sexually, I understood why my arousal was present. I just feel as though my OCD regularly slots my fears with desires, that is what keeps the cycle running, alongside having frequent responses. It's a dreadful process and with experiencing POCD, I feel as though I've been to a metaphorical hell and back.
One thing that does scare me is questioning my POCD, by convincing myself I'm enjoying my experiences and would enjoy looking at CP, even telling myself I hate writing this passage and it's all an innocent facade and would instead love to leave my girlfriend, watch CP and masturbate, etc. I would love to know if you understand this feeling also and have experienced something this deconstructive, destructive and upsetting.

Again, thank you so much.

GRAPHIC AND TRIGGER WARNING


It's good to talk to someone who's going through the same thing. I am talking to a guy who had POCD, and he is actually cured. He is letting me do my obsessive going "round and round."
I've come up with a few logical things. If I really wanted to act on my thoughts, I wouldn't sit here isolating myself, hardly eating a thing, and researching. I'd be going out there, and grabbing a little girl, and taking her away. I am not sure if I should say the images I have in my mind, but for a few days they have been me committing acts onto 2 children, both girls. These girls are very very young kids, and are sitting there willingly, actually wanting me to touch them. As I said, my images are mainly focused on the genitalia and what I am doing to that genitalia. A lot of the time I don't "see" the children so to speak. I know they are there, but I pay attention to the genitalia. I think a lot of it relates to the fact that I myself thoroughly enjoy the feeling of being fondled and licked. (These are the images I have in my head, and I am doing these to the kids). It's all a bit hazey though, like it's not a completely clear image. Because I enjoy being fiddled with and licked by my boyfriend, when I see these images, I get the sensation of extreme arousal, because I can relate to just how damn good it feels when I am receiving that, so in a sick way it's like "well I enjoy it, so they will too, and that makes it okay." And that really upsets me, especially when I learned that peadophiles justify their behaviour. I was mortified. I've had intrusive thoughts before, and I've had PLENTY of opportunity to act and do horrible things, but I never have. I don't walk down the street, look at a child and think "God I want you" but if a little girl is sat on a bike riding, I wonder to myself if she does what I used to do when I was that age, when sitting on the saddle I'd lean forward purposefully to get a "good feeling" for a brief moment. I was very explorative as a child too. The thing is, I've totally convinced myself that I'm a peadophile, for a very long time. My Dad would say to me "there's a peadophile living in the town again, so just be careful. Bloody disgusting" and I would think that he is covering up his "true" identity of being a peadophile, and i've kind of turned that onto myself. People think I may have been abused but I think it's incredibly unlikely. I was a very sexual explorative child..

Yesterday, I remembered something. Before I met my boyfriend, when we would Skype together, I remember watching him on the screen, laying there naked. I felt a hunger, a desire to have him, I wanted to jump through that screen and have him. As I type this story, I get the same physical response each time. I get aroused, but not just in my clitoris, but in my vagina as a whole... I feel myself expanding (and I don't get that with the images or thoughts). I get sheer and intense arousal with the thoughts and images, but only vaginally and sometimes an excited feeling in my chest. When I think of how hungry I was for my boyfriends body, and for sex with him, the arousal fills my entire body, and I feel myself expanding. As much as my mind tries to convince me otherwise, I've never had a "hunger" for children. When I look deep down, I picture various different scenarios with little girls, and the responses I get each time always differ. I will be aroused, then upset, then confused, then want to masturbate because of the tension, but don't want to because it would be getting off to the images themselves. Every time I've had sex with my boyfriend since this occured, I've felt guilty afterwards. During sex, the thoughts and images try to push themselves in, but I hardly ever see anything. But when I picture my boyfriend, naked on the Skype screen, the response I get is always the same. A deep arousal, something much deeper... a whole bodily response, and I don't feel upset by this arousal, it feels natural and authentic. The arousal I get from the other thoughts and images, it is so intense sometimes that yes, I do just want to lay down, finger myself and release the tension, but I never give in to that, and I try to tell myself that a real peadophile would give in right away, but then a thought comes and tells me that ..."lots of peadophiles resist, and are upset and suicidal by their conditions, and you are one of those types of peadophiles." And I hate that too!

I've been told the thing we must not do, is test ourselves, because the thoughts only get stronger after we've given ourselves that reassurance. The OCD turns it up a notch, and may take something that you love from real life, and use it against you, for example, I love being licked and fingered on my clitoris? Therefore the images I have are of me doing those same things to a child. I try to brush it off and "prove" something to myself, and then a little voice comes along and says "Well they will enjoy it like I do, and it's not causing them physical pain, so it's okay to do it, and it fulfills my desires." I can tell you if a woman shoved her fanny in my face, I'd most likely push her away. As much as I also love oral pornos where the guy is licking the girl, I imagine myself licking a vagina, and the arousal is not as intense. Then the voice in my head only gets louder when I try to ignore or push it away.. "You love it (or if it's my own voice) "Oh yeah I want this so bad, lick that pussy, Mmmmmmmmmmm oh god this is good." And it just gets worse. 2 days ago I would have been aroused at typing that, but I'm not anymore. I'm kind of getting used to these thoughts and images, and I've not really had any new ones either. Yesterday I was kissing my boyfriend on the neck. At the same instance I imagined doing that to a little girl, and I pulled away and shuddered.

I'm sorry for the explicit nature of this, but in my belief, if you can't be completely open about things, then what's the point of seeking help? I've had loads of thoughts and images but I have never touched a child in an inappropriate manner. My mind may start to tell myself that I will, but I won't believe it until it happens (if it happens) which is unlikely.

I had the CP fear too. I was worried about being left alone with the internet incase I had the urge and went and did it. 2 days ago someone told me "go ahead and do it and observe your behaviour. Watch normal porn and CP." I was in total shock. It was like someone had slapped me in the face. But hey, since then, the urge to download anything has been far less. I know deep in myself, I don't want any of this. I've always been attracted to men, have enjoyed sex most of the time also.. I've got a very distorted image of myself. I don't know if I mentioned in my last post, that when I look at myself, I see a peado, so I don't look in the mirror. I look into my eyes and just see evil, bad.. I see a peadophile, in the way I look, act, my voice, my behaviour as a whole. I look at pictures of myself as a 4 year old, a 6 year old, an 8 year old, and I think, oh my god, even then I look like a pedophile. I look like a "pervy" child, with a pervy face. I've always been a daydreamer, so when I look at my eyes in some pictures, it's like I'm not even there, like if you look at an autistic child. You look into their eyes, but they are just off into the distance. That's what I see in myself.

I too have had ROCD and HOCD. If anyone calls me a pedophile (which they haven't yet) but if I imagine it, something inside me hurts. If someone calls me a lesbian, something inside me hurts. I just want to absolutely die. Everybody says they see a good, loving, kind and caring person. Because of all this, I don't feel like I've ever truly seen that in myself. Since the age of 17 I always felt like I had a darkness lurking inside of me, waiting to come out. A true form. I remember saying I thought I was kind, loving, caring e.t.c. but I don't know if I've ever genuinely meant it about myself. A lot of stuff happen when I was growing up though, which knocks my self esteem and confidence flat. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Any time you need to talk, send me a PM. I am not afraid to be open, because i've not ever hurt anyone or done anything inappropriate, despite what those on www.anxietyzone.com think. My recommendation? Never use that website with this problem.

Best Wishes to you.