HOCD: If you fear being gay or bi, you're not!

I have been suffering with HOCD off and on for atleast 4yrs now, and it has been complete torture. But there is a the DIFFERENCE between HOCD and people who are TRULY GAY or BI:

Contrary to people who suffer from HOCD, "truly gay or bi" people aren't AFRAID of it, don't have INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS about it, agonize over it for hours and hours, get depressed about it, or feel like "they're losing their mind". This is HOCD.

No, people who are TRULY GAY or BI are more worried about OTHER PEOPLE'S REACTIONS to it, cause they LIKE it, WANT it, and FANTASIZE about it, and fear being REJECTED or CRITICIZED by others. It is part of "who they are" and something they WANT.

This realization was confirmed when reading people's posts about being gay or bisexual. They were not SCARED about it, it didn't BOTHER them, it didn't DISGUST them, nor did they spend hours 'WORRYING" about it. If they did "WORRY" about it, it was about the REACTIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE.

Ok, so if you have HOCD, this will probably be a "RELIEF" to you. But if you have HOCD, then this relief will also only be TEMPORARY, because it's "FEAR AND DOUBT" that keeps it going...

I know, cause I have it!...and it's COMPLETE TORTURE!

So if you can relate to this TORTURE, then know that it's HOCD and you are NOT GAY or BI!

Well, I'm gay and I can say this isn't true. I questioned it for awhile before I stopped denying it, and it does sometimes feel like torture before you accept that being gay is alright.

However, there is a difference between the OCD fears and the in the closet fears. Usually by the time someone is an adult at the latest, they realize that they are much more into the same gender sexually if they are gay. They usually try to think of possibilities that the attractions aren't really true, or maybe they are just a phase.

With HOCD, usually the thoughts come after much time of being heterosexual, and begin to question what it would be like if they were gay, then the OCD starts.

If someone is gay, they usually will never have had sexual attraction to the opposite sex. For me, I thought for awhile that I simply could have been asexual, simply because I never was attracted to women, but I didn't really find all that many men attractive and fit a lot of stereotypes to conclude that I was gay. I was also rather embarrassed to admit that I found mostly young teens attractive into my early adulthood, and now at 26 I find older teens 15-19 or so attractive.

The fear is there though for some people regardless. It is just different depending on homosexuality or HOCD.

I've gone through the spikes and hocd. I would say I have a slight case of hocd bc it pops into my head every now and then. I'm 25 and just 6 months ago I went through some tough times with an ex putting me down saying I wasn't manly enough after a year and a half. Then my rebound girl I fell for and well didn't work out. I got a little down in the dumps and thought what if I turned gay.

I look at now , that was the craziest thing my mind has ever developed. I never found the same sex attractive in a romantic nor intimate way. I never once thought about homo sexual tendencies or fantasies. My stomach would knot with anxiety when I saw one of my good friends (who is gay) make out with another male at the bar.

I'm not one who hates on the subject. I just don't care what other people do behind close doors and if they love each other fine.

The questions you have to ask yourself in a calm manner:
- have you ever been attracted to the same sex?
- can you see yourself romantically being involved with the same sex? Not just sexually , but emotionally, like all couples.
- Groinal responses: when you have one, do you check to see if it's an erection ? Doesn't feel enjoyable does it?

The biggest thing is I get OCD about things when I'm unoccupied and basically feeling alone. I will worry about my career and then I will worry about "this didn't workout with her, am I not meant to be with a woman?"

I came to realize these are just thoughts and not true. Why?
- I flirt with women at work even if its just a thing that will never happen. I get excited happy and an erection.
- every time I go out in public when I'm focused on just shopping for groceries , the first thing I do when an attractive woman walks by, I immediately glance at her without thinking, like it's natural.


It's stuff like that and remembering your history. Thoughts are thoughts. We all get strange thoughts. Heck when I was on a ladder the one day putting away fall decorations in the garage attic I thought "what if my brother can't hold the ladder and I fall and n real my neck". Did I dwell on it? No.

I recently dated a girl for two weeks. She was a crazy cat lady. Was she good looking? Yeah. Would I have slept with her? Probably. But I didn't feel a connection as I'm looking for a long term relationship , hopefully.

Does that mean I'm gay? No.

I think we can all go through these exercises. I always thought I had a case of OCD , but honestly I've fought through it and realized it was just crazy thoughts that I fed into and noticed your mind can wonder when you feel like things aren't going your way sometimes.

I'm a woman (if you didn't already know that), but my take on this is if the thoughts are "intrusive", "unwanted", and have a "repetitive quality" like a broken record, then they don't represent your true desires. My head kept telling me I was gay over and over, yet I wanted "nothing to do with it". My feelings about being with the same sex were actually "the complete opposite" (made me sick) and something "I didn't want", and that's why it bothered me so much.

So what I was trying to say is that if someone is "truly gay" then they will "enjoy these thoughts" and "want a relationship with the same sex", but will fear the "consequences" of those feelings such as rejection from others..

I hope this clears things up.

jkl1234 wrote:I'm a woman (if you didn't already know that), but my take on this is if the thoughts are "intrusive", "unwanted", and have a "repetitive quality" like a broken record, then they don't represent your true desires. My head kept telling me I was gay over and over, yet I wanted "nothing to do with it". My feelings about being with the same sex were actually "the complete opposite" (made me sick) and something "I didn't want", and that's why it bothered me so much.

So what I was trying to say is that if someone is "truly gay" then they will "enjoy these thoughts" and "want a relationship with the same sex", but will fear the "consequences" of those feelings such as rejection from others..

I hope this clears things up.

I did know and what I said pertains the same. I do agree with you. If you don't want these thoughts recognize that's what they are. Don't feed into them bc if they are uncomfortable and always been uncomfortable then they're not real.

I get happy and erect when I think of being with an attractive woman. Always have so doubt it changed after not one but two relationships ending in 2 year spans.

You'll be alright Hun. Hope this helps.

Well, I'm gay and I can say this isn't true. I questioned it for awhile before I stopped denying it, and it does sometimes feel like torture before you accept that being gay is alright.


So I was wondering. I've been afraid of being gay since I was a teenager, but it started with comments from friends and family that made me feel like they were "accusing me of being gay." I never thought I was before that but developed the "FEAR" after that.

The thing is that I've had many relationships with men but they haven't been very happy. I keep thinking maybe I just haven't found the right guy, which I haven't, but then I think maybe it's me... The whole thing really freaks me out. I've always liked men, but that doesn't help the fear that maybe "I am" attracted to women in some way. The thought doesn't excited me at all, though. Instead it really freaks me out and makes me really depressed. Like what's the use of going on like this?

I keep thinking "why worry about it if I'm not?" But I keep worrying about it anyway. The fear comes and goes, but I go through periods where I can't stop thinking or worrying about it, and I'm too afraid to talk about it. The fear seems unreasonable really.

The fact that I've worried about it for so long just puts more fuel in the fire, and then I hear of these stories about women in their 40s and beyond, "discovering they're a lesbian!", and I'm like OMG. I hope that's not me! I don't want that!

-- Sun Jan 12, 2014 3:44 pm --

The first paragraph is a quote from JackM678.

I haven't been able to function in my life very well because of this. Actually, it's sucking the life out of my life, and I need help!!! I don't know what to do. I have an AA sponsor, but I'm afraid to tell her because I'm afraid she might think I am. "Cause why worry if I'm not?" is the logic in my mind. I personally just think it's all based in FEAR, and my mind has wrapped it's way around it. Or should I say "warped it's way around it." It's gotten to the point of wanting to just end it, more than once.

I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok, and that I'll find a man who loves me, and this whole thing will go away.

It'll be okay, and you'll find a man that loves you.

Thanks