OCD and Major Depression Advice and Help Needed

I'm 19 years old, and currently have been suffering from severe OCD for the past 5 years. With it, I developed chronic depression not long after. Here's the situation with all of it:

After years of crippling anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression, I really want to put forth an effort into beating this again, and not be drowning in a pool of despair. Every-time I seem to get anywhere, my OCD kicks in, and then I keep falling back. The thoughts of doubt towards common OCD symptoms dont bother me as much, as other obsessions that are sexual in nature or just towards things I really value in life. I learned how to control my compulsions pretty good by reassuring myself that if I would be obsessing and fully aware of something, I wouldnt really doubt my actions towards it, and it helped a lot. Unfortunately, it's the doubt that comes with the obsessions that really hurts. No matter how much I try to reason with myself, my mind always wants to dwell on something. I believe it's the biological component of ocd causing quite a bit of it.

Back years ago when I was in therapy, I was a bit more hopeful at first, but when I saw the ocd still constantly crippling me, I fell back into the major depression. I tried overdosing and mixing medications years ago, but I stopped because I knew it was harmful. At one point, I even wanted to start taking hard drugs to feel better but I didnt. I have become more used to the thoughts of suicide, but they still haunt me on a daily basis. I am very uncertain about my future, since ocd has clouded much of my motivation in life, and pleasures. I honestly dont know whether I will commit suicide or not, but I really see it as an option in the future. I don't really see my future headed anywhere well because after many years of dealing with it, I still constantly have flashbacks of terrifying memories of anxiety in my earlier years constantly. It really reminds me of how much that has devastated my life, and how much my current situation of mental, social, and family problems have eaten me up.

I pretty much stopped communicating to my parents about it when I slipped back into the major depression because they weren't being helpful and only relied on a few that I talked to. We are currently in the battle of a huge family feud between my parents, and it's taking it's toll on me as well. I have to hide things from my family since they wont accept me for me.

Socially in highschool, I covered up my problems pretty well, but since going into college, I lost a lot of my social communication and have become much more isolated. People see me as quiet, pale, unmotivated and strange many times, under the impression that I am just like that, but they dont understand. I've been indirectly told many times that I should not be studying, or working because I dont seem motivated.


I've taken medication for many years now and have tried many different antipsychotics, antidepressants, and other medications. Right now I am taking anafranil and seroquel xr. I know medication will not do everything, but I have had no luck as of yet in finding a medication that can really help with anxiety other than benzodiazepines, which I refuse to take because they are addictive.

Anyways, is there any advice anyone has in a similar situation to try to make things better now and in the future? I think moving out of my environment would be quite helpful, but in terms of the anxiety and depression, is there a better way to handle it, without constantly falling back into depression? I want to go back to therapy again, but I am still uncertain of whether that will help me much.