Long story/personal history. Please help!

I've been feeling extremely depressed the past few months and recently had two breakdowns, I cried and felt helpless, shocked and scared. I feel as though so much has washed over me and I'm constantly struggling to ultimately keep myself happy. I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression in the past, tried Luvox and seen psychiatrists. I'll go a little into my history so some readers can view the picture clearer.

I was physically and emotionally abused as a child by my mother and her husband; we moved houses every year or two, we had constant fights resulting in suicide attempts, OCD manifestations and extreme depression, dumps of responsibility were placed on me also. A lot of twisted psychology was in play in my childhood and has left me feeling putrid, disgusted and extremely angry towards them both. They divorced when I had moved and my mother was seeing someone else. When I moved, her husband didn't talk to me, the last time he did he rang me apologizing and sobbing. My mother rarely speaks to me, if so, she busy at work and hangs up unexpectedly. We talk literally about nothing on the phone and I don't have an emotional connection to her, she acts like nothing has happened and expects respect in return. When living with my dad, she gave me money when she pleased, she did provide me with money quite a lot but below $50 majority of the time, this was also all I had for food, I couldn't afford luxuries. She was my only source of personal income at the time because I had moved and was preparing for an education and couldn't find work. My dad had very little money (personal story) so I was dependent on her for the meantime, it may sound pathetic, yes.
My money came and went in a bi-polar fashion and she would constantly tell me to get a job and it's my fathers responsibility now, after years of ridiculing and demanding money from my father, even though he paid child support. I occasionally emailed my mother in the period I had moved and said things such as thank you and I love you, always feeling empty after sending them.

I have an enormous hatred towards them both (my mother and her husband) but because of my forgiving nature and the fact that my mother is family I feel I need to talk to her and continue my relations. Thinking of her and her daughter bring me great grief, disappointment and bodily anxiety and pain that constrains my stomach, mind and eyes. When I was young my intrusive thoughts started about her daughter, my step-sister. I have considered POCD but I tend to think of the thoughts being primarily intrusive thoughts, they were violent thoughts and of sexual nature and when discussed with my mother I was seen as a monstrosity. She was constantly trying to make me see people, I did and nothing was resolved because the abuse never stopped. I stopped school after extreme isolation and thoughts of suicide after moving to a new town and began producing music and watching films to keep myself occupied.

I no longer live with my mother, I am living with my father, as a child I hardly saw my father and my mother tried keeping me away from my father and convincing me otherwise, where he lived was horrible, he's a horrible person, he doesn't know how to be a father, etc. I moved to live with my father at around age 15 and am now 17. Currently my father is imprisoned (personal and won't go into detail) and I'm living with an elder cousin and constantly see my partner and immediate family, excluding my mother because she lives in another state.

My current situation, childhood/general past and obsessive and intrusive houghts make me feel like my sanity is disintegrating and some days I constantly have this feeling in my chest and mind, this horrible tension, like I'm waiting for something to happen - or like I'm waiting to snap, physically or emotionally even though I can't see myself hurting anyone I can visualize it all day. I can't even cuss loudly inside my house but these thoughts feel so realistic and picturesque and I am constantly creating events as to why I am insane and capable - An example being ''If my computer turns on now I'm insane'' as I turn my computer on. Or buying an album ''Only psychopaths listen to Jazz'', etc. I'm sure readers get the picture, illogical, false and coated in stupidity.

I'm always telling my partner of my troubles and I don't want to weigh her down, she doesn't have OCD and is constantly reminding me these thoughts are normal to some extent, you just need to ignore them and try your hardest to let go. It isn't helping, that may be obvious, it just results in constant, I mean in a constant fear of questioning whether I have OCD now and if I am capable of hurting someone, etc because sometimes my thoughts aren't there some days, also when I'm preoccupied. My OCD history goes into worrying about family car accidents funerals, diseases, general germs, hand-washing, hair checking, obsessive grooming and showering (headlice, dandruff), bodily matter on clothing, etc. My self confidence has suffered greatly because of my past abuse and am constantly apologizing and analyzing myself. I apologize far too much and can even thank people far too much.

I'm not on any medication and I'd prefer not to take that route again, I and my family have little money to fund counseling so I've moved to expressing this on a forum. I also find it easier to write than to speak.
Just can someone help me, please? Does anyone have any suggestions or advice? Reminders sound very welcoming.
Can someone advise, remind or educate me on what this horrible feeling in my gut actually is because I constantly create delusions and obsessions about this factor alone, is it anxiety and depression because of my current suffering?

Please and thank you so much, comments would be more than appreciated.

I also don't know if this is my OCD talking but I've been telling myself things such as ''I've been sexually abused as a child'', or in my past I have seriously abused someone else sexually.
I've also created a fear that I have an aggression problem, anger problems or bi-polar. My moods can change quickly. I can go from feeling quite okay to feeling very depressed within a few seconds to minutes, just due to my thoughts, nothing physical has to be happening. My intrusive thoughts have been so intense and constantly conflicting against my views recently and I've began snapping at my partner, the smallest things make me annoyed and I express it through my tone of voice. I frown and look angry, that is too where my intrusive thoughts start to flood my mind. I already feel guilty even acting in such a way and treating my partner so but these thoughts attack me once I'm already at a low causing even more damage. I've just been feeling like I've had little control over these thoughts, resulting in my behavior. I know I would never hurt anyone but If I can act ''angry'' I start to flood my mind with thoughts of a violent nature. My obsessions literally never stop and are constantly manifesting in different subjects.

Does this sound like PureO/OCD?

I'll keep this in the one thread:

With intrusive thoughts, I've been having them so often, select thoughts, I've become used to them and they don't cause me to spike on extreme levels, again, causing me to think i've adapted these thoughts as my own. If the intrusive thought surfaces my mind (rape, murder, molestation, etc) I get a slight uncomfortable feeling, but not full blown spikes or panic attacks. I suppose you can't expect that every time you have a thought though?

Another thing is groinal responses. I can have these about any subject. I feel as though I'm in control of them majority of the time though. I can send signals to my genitals about anything, it may be inappropriate and immoral or even just a sentence and nothing of sexual substance. I'll think sexually about an emoticon for example, literally anything! So this has take shape in applying itself to the elderly, my family, dead people, children, etc resulting in anxiety, stress and confusion on a huge scale.

Thank you again. (Sorry for the numerous posts, I hope this is still allowed)