Please help..I don't want to kill myself...What's my problem

Hello i worry about I have borderline disorder.Everytime i'm dealing with my family and anxiety's...I have OCD too...There are a lot of problems in my family and I'm a perfectionalist.Everytime in my family something get wrongs.My father is an idiot and can't do something good.There have been a lot of important problem in our life because of him...My mother is very depressed and has anxiety
-maybe OCD because everytime she can check something- and everytime she asks me what will happen to us...Nowadays when I started to sad I don't know she says me you're not a good son...She says me you made me cancer...She is an cancer patient.My elder brother is a narcist...Everytime he makes big problems but never thinks he has got an fault.Everytime he says me you're idiot...When things happen like I said,I tell him I'm not idiot,idiot is you...When I said that he fghts against me...And lies to my mother...And everytime my mother gets angry with me...Now I'm saying after big problems which my big brother makes like my father does,mother don't tell me something...Now I'm very depressed...I was always a controller for about 3 or 4 years because of my family...Because they don't do their missions...This times always I'm getting angry...And I have been searching about me for 2 or 3 years and I want to answer who I am...I have obsessions...I was searching about homosexuality...I had homosexuality obsessive compulsive disorder...Everythime I was checking if I'm homosexual or not...I loved a girl sometimes ago and I understood that I'm not...Now with the searches -I can't stop myself to search- I started to think I have borderline...Because sometimes I think my life is like a borderline....I started to search about borderline.I saw a psychologist and psychiatrist...I am always searching about something about my life and try to understand how can I fix my life...Always I make plans but with anxiety and with my family's attitudes I can't do anything...Both of them said to me you're not borderline you now have a high anxiety and you made obsessions about your family...Do you think is it true?Sometimes with high anxiety I want to kill myself...I can't believe anything in my life...My family,my friends,my future,my character...I have always suspicions...When I get into that everytime something get wrongs...When something gets wrong I feel more anxious and I can't do anytinhg too...Now I can't do anything...I only want to stay in bed...When I'm with somebody,or everytime I feel anxious...I have got few friends...When I feel anxious I am getting angry...And everytime my family makes big problems...My father have no job now...Sometimes I can think something black or white,good or bad...My big brother is a doctor...He always want to use me for his personal works...And he hasn't got any consideration to my ideas,problems etc.For example I want to do something...Everytime he says you can't do because you're an idiot.Nearly about a year I say you're 31 years old and I'm an other person,and I have got an independent life...As an adult you can make your works...Everytime he gets angry with me...And everytime he says me I'm an idiot.But when I'm free I make things good and don't make faults too much...This makes me suspicious...I have low self-estreem.I don't know who I am lots of time...I can't sleep too much because of thinking how can I fix the things and my life,muchly my family and when I was at school I'm sleepy and I want to return home and sleep at my bed...But when I come to home there have been also a problem about my family's situation,my father and my mother had been fought and I can't stop myself ask what happened again...I have been programmed to control everything...When I was at home I feel anxious...Everythime they do something to get angry...For example when I want money to go to school or doctor,they say me you just want money...What can I do?Shouldn't I go to school?Everytime they say things like that and I can easily get angry nowadays...Am I have ocd and anxiety like doctor said or am I borderline?I can't do anything...I am 105 kilos...I am an industrial engineering student.And I like music and theatre...I want to lose weight,I have to study for my exams,and want to play guitar...But I can't do any of them because of thinking what will happen and everythime we have fights in family because of money and disrespect to me...They say me you're always eating...I don't want but with stress I can't stop...Eating can make me feel relax...When I read about borderline it writes they can't stop to eat...Then I think yes I'm borderline...But then think I'm not...I can't believe anything or anybody in my life I can't think something will be better...I can't stop searching...Was I border and I was searching am I homosexual because of boredom or do I have ocd and anxiety?My brother thinks he's perfect everytime and he knows everything bestly...He says me you are problem,not your family say it to your doctor but because of his and other family members's attitudes I made obsession my character,my family,my future,my friends etc...They gets angry with me everytime when I want something like money to go school...They don't think my needs...When I said I live in this house too,I have rights too,they get angry...Then they come to me ask what can we do about life,then I say I don't know they say me we're a family...What can I do,I really don't know...I want to be with friends but I have been going to school depressed,anxious and angry and then I say I can't bear anybody...And I can stay out of somebody...And when I feel depressed I can ask why nobody calls me...Then I start to think I'm borderline...My pschologist said me to stay away your family for nowadays...But they don't stay away from me...For example my father asks me for a job...When I said it's your mission,I can't do something everytime,my life is finishing with worries and problems nowadays everybody gets angry with me so I feel angry...Doctor said me I'm not border but we have spoke only five minutes...He said me just feel relax and speak slowly...I tried to feel relax...When I tried to relax I start to think my mood changed and borders make it too so I shouldn't...I asked him 3 times if I'm border and he said do you know that you've asked it 3 times you're not...Then he said have a nice day...He said me I have got anxiety disorder and OCD...But I can't be sure like everything...Sometimes I want to suicide myself when my anxiety gets high nowadays...Sometimes ago I was thinking people should try to solve their problems...Suicide yourself is an easy escaping...It was my world view...I was thinking if a person wants something to do,and tries and don't hesitate to be unsuccesful ans study hard he or she can...But when I was worry about homosexuality I first started to think suicide myself...I didn't made any suicide attempt... Because I have been loving life...When they say me you're problem without looking themselves I say when I died you can be better...Then I start fearing become borderline...Because they could says something like that...Sometimes when I get feel anxious I can think bad about my friends...We have spoken just 5 minutes with doctor although I planned to protract meeting from 15 minutes to 30 minutes...When I said to it my mother she said doctor didn't want to listen you because you're an idiot...I don't know how can I deal with my family and myself...When I worry about homosexuality I've asked it to 8 different doctor and all of them said me you're not and homosexual you're heterosexual...But my genius doctor brother said me why not...Now I think like I don't know anything...I make searches on internet about borderline and say yes it's likely me...I was worrying about bipolar or schizophreniac too sometimes ago...I've asked it to a doctor and he said you're not...What do you think about my problem?Do I have borderline or my family made me anxious about everything and I have ocd?

I don't know what you mean by borderline? Homosexual? If you have OCD about it, it's probably not true.
OCD feeds on what you fear. You have my compassion for the pain you endure with your family.

Ozanisius
Obviously, I can't diagnose you, as I'm no doctor and I'm only going by what I'm reading here, but what is it that makes you feel you have BPD? You sound very determined that you do have BPD, yet the only trait you referred to was the suicidal thoughts, which even you dismissed. Based on your post, the anxiety doesn't surprise me, but I'm not seeing where you're drawing the BPD suspicion from. Obviously, you're seeing much more of the situation than I am, so if you could clarify/expand on it a little, it might help.

Bendib
No, Borderline PD is a whole other can o' worms. Oversimplified, it's a state of very high emotional fragility. Do you know what a bipolar's mood swings are like? Think of that on fast-forward. The mood swings that bipolars experience over several months, we go through in a single day. One of the things about BPD is that we're love junkies; many explore bisexuality, in an attempt to widen the pool to find their lobster (pointed out to me by CrackedGirl in a thread I have going elsewhere). Or, in lieu of that, someone who can at least make them feel wanted for the moment. Lust isn't love, but it's better than lonely.

BPD's are erratic enough that many therapists won't even take a BPD patient. Yeah, we're a fun bunch!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline ... y_disorder