HOCD, denial or I am really Gay ?

I am a 24 year old male. I am hoping that what I am dealing with is HOCD. I do have a history of OCD and anxiety in my life. I suffered from Social anxiety in 2004 . But this is a new problem and I feel like I am facing a losing battle.

It all started for me when one of my buddies said to me that according to his gay scale, I am gay. I didnt make much of it at the time, but as time went on, I started questioning myself. I have had numerous crushes on girls throughout my school days and after I graduated. I have never had a girlfriend as I am a shy and nervous person who just doesnt have the confidence to go up to girls and chat them up.

Over time, I would start yelling myself " I am not gay " . I started getting unwanted thought and images of me doing gay sexual things to my friends and even random men walking down the street. During this time, I would start becoming depressed, having the fear of going out in society and to make me even more worried, I have lost all sexual attraction to woman, I feel nothing to women now and that scares me. I dont have a realy deep voice like how most men do and that worries me, I try to talk with a deep voice to convince myself, I walk in a masculine way if I feel like I am walking like a woman. I used to just stare at girls and girls only, but now this fear tells me to stare at men and I dont want to. I have been battling this now for the past 5 monthes and I feel like its getting worse. This feeling now feels so real that I am convinced I am gay, but I dont want to me. I want a girlfriend, I want those feelings back when you see a gorgeous girl, you get those feelings in your stomach. Sometimes I feel like I should just " Come out " and these worries will all be gone, but I cant because I dont want to live a life with a man.

I have been taking Celexa ever since 2004 and I feel like it is not doing anything. I have talked to my doctor about this specific worry which was hard to do, I was realy anxious telling him this problem. I am going to a CBT group therapy, I am on week 3 right now but I still feel no change. I am hoping to see a psychiatrist and Therapist soon.

I just want reassurance because I honestly dont know what I am anymore. I worry that I am getting Help but yet I still get this unwanted thoughts and images. I worry that I was secretly gay but didnt know it growing up, and that I worry if I get help , the therapist will just tell me you are gay and just need to come out.

If it helps, I don't think you're gay just for having a fear about it.

People always ask if I'm a lesbian because I don't act like an idiot around "hot" guys. I've never had a boyfriend and I don't want one, but it doesn't make me a lesbian. I've had crazy fantasies like everybody else and the mere thought of them disgusts me and I the images make me want to throw up.

Your self-imagine problems would probably get better with improved self-esteem. I think I'm ugly, but people tell me I'm extremely attractive all the time, so I don't have to listen to that abusive voice in my head. Maybe you could find out what parts of your body you think are manly or other people are attracted to and focus more on them than the parts that you feel are girly. I hate my jaw and think my hair is too frizzy, but I try to look at the attractive parts of my silhouette and lips and even skin tone when I look in the mirror rather than the parts I hate.

Despite what pop culture wants you ti think, being gay is a choice. You sound like you are so not gay that you fear you are and it's that OCD voice in your head that won't let you forget it. You don't have to be gay if you don't want to.

I do not think you're gay, I think you're obsessing! HA!

I could say these things to myself too, in fact I have in the past. I've obsessed to the point where I can almost physically feel sexual interactions with other men, knowing how third person contact feels I can imagine that and almost feel it through associations. If you're honestly attracted to men I think you will know. I can see how this has been triggered, It's not like you were staring at men and fantasizing beforehand, or reading sexual magazines, videos, etc.

There is a fine line you need to be aware of, being attracted to men... And forcing yourself to believe you're interested in men, with those obsessions and mental strain you can almost convince yourself you're attracted to men, with OCD it's possible. I've experienced similar cases.
I think you just have to know what you're experiencing, let time rearrange things for you. Try to be aware of it's form - Is it forced interest? An idea you've forced into your mind and forced yourself to believe? Or is it a genuine desire for men; you long to be held, cherished, kissed, have a sexual and spiritual relationship with another male, etc?

Say/example, do you sincerely wish to be kissed by another male? Would you feel satisfied, fullfilled, excited. Do not doubt yourself, try to see past the confusion your obsession has created.
Just ask yourself that question without letting your obsessive internal dialogue answer that before you do, concentrate and be honest with yourself. I can imagine majority saying to themselves ''Yes yes yes I love men'' and then ''No I don't?! What's wrong with me?! I hate this!'' - That's the confusion OCD and your thoughts alone can create, your obsessions become the master of the puppet... The constant doubt and questioning of yourself, identity, influences, sexuality, etc. You have to try to think logically without making yourself distressed. Breathe deeply and organize your thoughts.

Anyway, in all honesty I think the answer is no - you're not attracted to men, but even if you are/were attracted to men it's a personal decision, we're not ones to insult or judge you!

Let your spikes and worries come + go. My spikes come when I'm most stressed, very anxious, depressed, over-analysing or really lonely. You'll notice when you're preoccupied they'll dip, your thoughts won't be as intense - Unless you think of/remember them on purpose. That's the beauty of OCD huh!

Best of luck!