Self-mutilation

I was writing about my experience with BDD for my doctor and I thought I might post it as well. I can’t figure out if I have OCD or BDD, they are rather similar. My problem also has a masochistic twist.

I was also interested in reading about how other people have been coping. Most of all I am interested in the pathology of the disorder. Does it ever get better? Has anyone been fundamentally cured?

My story

I first became acutely aware of my looks when I was about 7. I look at some of my childhood pictures and remember how I used to sleep in curlers so I would have cute, curly, bouncy hair. My outfits were always clean as I did my own laundry at that age and my clothes were always well matched and meticulous.

It didn’t turn sadistic until was in my late teens. By seventeen I was becoming aware of the fact that I had a problem. I used to spend hours in front of the mirror trying to eliminate imperfections on my face, neck, chest and back that were virtually naked to the human eye. By 19-20 it had hit its worst period. It was my first year of college and I was living with my grandmother in Florida. I really hated it and I had nothing to do as I didn’t even work so I was home, picking at my skin for 16 + hours some days. Stress always made it worse but my state of mind didn’t seem to be a big factor on whether I did it or not.

As a result of so many years of self-mutilation I am irreversible scared (10 years). I can usually cover it with makeup but I will need plastic surgery at some point. I never go to the beach or a pool because I won’t wear a swimsuit, there are bruises all over my body. Most of my clothes are turtlenecks as my chest is usually bruised. I sometimes have to wear really heavy makeup caked on my face to hide bruises. My sex life with my past boyfriends has often problematic. Sometimes I don’t want to be touched and they don’t understand. Often it is worse when I tell people as no one really understands it, I don’t understand it. My best friend just doesn’t even believe it.

There really is no warning when an episode occurs. I just start feeling anxious, often for no known reason and then I start doing it. It becomes a war. I will do it for a few minutes and then tear myself away from the mirror only to go back and do it for a longer period of time. This can go on for several hours. If I manage to control myself and not go to the mirror I will often start feeling my legs, arms, back etc. for any little bump that I can attack without a mirror. I always try to remember what I am thinking but I am kind of in a trance so I can’t recall 90% of it. What I do recall during an episode is negative, mostly painful memories of things I never really resolved.

I used to think I did it because I wanted to look perfect and that might have been true initially. However, it has clearly turned into something more sinister and incomprehensible. It has taken on a life of its own and seems more like the manifestation of built up suffering or even a form of deliberately destructive self-mutilation. After an episode I am exhausted physically and mentally. Sometimes I feel physically sick. I completely lose my appetite and feel sorrow, shame and completely antisocial. Really bad episodes that last a few hours might happen once every 10 days. It is so hard to drag myself into work the next day knowing that I have bruises all over my body.

It seems interesting to mention that every time I have a bad episode I tell myself that I will never do it again and really believe it way past the obvious reality of the situation. To this day (10 years later) I still have small glimmers of hope that I will stop. I suppose one has to at least have hope as the thought of having this disorder life long might cause suicidal tendencies.

I had a brief experience with medicine about 5 years ago (Zoloft). Luvox was too strong, I didn’t like it. I believe it helped me feel better in general but did not stop the compulsion. Although I think it controlled it about 1/3 of the time. Last year I was out of work for one year. During that time I discovered meditation and Zen living. This also helped with the compulsions to about the same extent as taking the medication. During meditation you learn to still the madness in your mind and this has a calming effect on your mental state. I tried taking down the mirrors but I have a roommate who always has a few around. In order for it to help I think you have to have every single mirror completely gone.

I have been given a new prescription and I wasn’t sure if I should take it or not (lexapro). However, yesterday I had an episode at work. I can always control the bad ones until I at least get home but this time I couldn’t. I work full time and I go to school full time so I am under a lot of stress. I think I will take the medication.

I try to remember to live a day at a time. Some days are good and some are bad. It is a problem that is not curable but needs to be managed to the best of my ability. I still hope to be able to go to a beach without being self conscious some day and I think it will happen. For the last couple of years I have tried to focus on other things besides my looks and I imagine that the older I get the less it will be an issue. For that reason I look forward to getting older and having other, more important things to focus on. Having other things to do helps a little so I try to keep busy.

I have the same sort of problem with picking at my skin, and it's good to hear that I'm not alone. About a year ago I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, and recently with OCD, but the self-mutilation can't quite be classified with the symptoms of either. If I pass a mirror and happen to look in it (which is what normally happens), I start searching out imperfections and blemishes and trying to get rid of them. Medication has really helped, but I still do it almost every day. Sometimes it helps to have my mom keep an eye on me and restrain me when I start, and since it sounds like you aren't really aware of it when you do it, maybe it would help to have somebody on the lookout for when an episode hits. I don't know. I need to be physically restrained sometimes, and it's not easy, but sometimes for me it's the only way. Good luck with controlling it, anyway. It sounds like you're making headway.

I am so glad to have found this site and read that a couple of others also pick at themselves. I have been in therapy for 15 yrs & have lots of diagnoses, however, haven't told anyone about this.
I have a "resistant depression"-drug resistant....in other words nothing helps much. PTSD, Adult ADD, GAD, and Social Anxiety disorder are just a few. I don't know if they would consider this OCD? I do have alot of other very obsessive compulsive things but are not bad enough to cause daily dysfunction....counting, eating, used to drink...like lots of stuff I just overdo! The picking is now really, really easy for me because I suffer from alot of medical (physical) conditions and one is chronic pain. I wear a pain patch and it causes skin eruptions and sores and the adhesive worn over it makes it really bad-kind of rips of the skin. I am not able to wear sleeveless or short sleeves at all! These sores never heal and I kept telling myself that it is because I have a weakened immune system, which I do, however, all the picking hour upon hour does not help. Are there more people out there with this problem?
Thanks to those of you that have shared. It helped me face the fact that I may have to tell my Dr about it.

That sounds horrible. I hope you get through it. Sorry to hear that. Take care <3

i feel you on the picking... i pull the skin off my lips until they bleed and bleed.

zoloft is helping to ease my OCD.

I bite the skin around all of my fingertips and remove large chunks of skin until they are smooth, i've only just been diagnosed with OCD, i've been doin these things and others since i was about 5 yrs old and now i finally have a name for what it is, i thought i was losin my mind, i've also taken an over-dose as well in the past 6months, and have violent and very sexual thoughts, but when i was told i have OCD it all fit into place, all the things i do and think, it all makes sense and the cloud was lifted off me cause i finally have a name for it, i now no longer fear it for i know its name and can deal with it accordingly )