Heterosexual OCD

So I have a long n messed up history but it all leads to me being 31 years old HIV+ gay man who thinks he's actually straight. I've read loads of other peoples stories on here and I wanted to ask you good people what you think of where I'm at

I'm gay. I've known I was gay since I first heard the word. One of my strongest memories is seeing a guy I fancied walking towards me in church n my heart doing a double skip. However I had beed abused when I was 13 n it screwed with my perception of my sexuality. When I was a teenager n up until I was in my early 20s I never even thought about girls sexually. I had loads of female friends, I was around girls all the time. I started watching porn with sraight porn at 13 (watching my older brothers when he was out) n I was only ever interested in watching the big men with their cocks. Later I had sex with guys and I loved it. When I was about 23 (yeah 8 years of this creeping nightmare) I was hungover n watching buffy n I remember thinking she's beuatiful n I thought I felt a twitch in my crotch. And so it began.

Now pretty much everytime I see a pretty girl or see a girl on tv or even think the word girl I feel a twinge in my crotch. I don't get that when I see a hot guy, When I get hard with a guy it just goes up there's no twitching, no tingling, just hard. So I was having this twitch thing going on n it was freaking me out, but I wasn't saying anything cos I didn't know what it meant, n no offence to straight people but I don't wanna be straight.

I love men, I love the smell of them, they way they feel when they hold me, their breath n their kisses. But do I really? Or is that just a lie I've been telling myself my whole life? Now when I'm with a guy I get so nervous that I don't fancy him, that I kill my hard on. I find myself completely in my head analysing everything asking myself do I really fancy him? Am I really enjoying this or am I just pretending? This leads to much boner death, unless it's a guy I really care about. If I'm in love it won't go down. But the anxiety is still there, I'm just so into him, and into it, that I don't care for a while.

Recently I've noticed that when I'm around pretty girls I get really hot n bothered. This has been a problem more in the last year but it's happened a few times when I'm presented with a properly beautiful woman. I don't ever get hard or generally feel crotch stuff but I feel like I'm burning. Sometimes my hands tingle n I just wanna get away. If this the 'hot n bothered' feeling people describe when they really fancy someone? Am I just so terrified of being straight that I can't accept the true wonder of sexual attraction? Cos I can tell you for definite I don't think any guy has made me feel like that.

Does the fact that women can create such an incredible fear in me indicate that I'm more attracted to them, that they have this power over me? I try to combat this fear by embracing it, forcing myself to talk to them,if I think no one can see I'll stare at their tits or arse to see if it makes me hard, but i only ever get this weird feeling like my cocks plumpling up slightly. I never get that plumping up feeling with guys, I'm either hard, or I'm semi, or I'm soft

I read about straight HOCD sufferers being disgusted by thoughts of sex with other men, but i'm not disgusted by thoughts of sex with women (even typing that phrase there's a creeping feeling in my crotch like my cocks getting ready to get hard). It just makes me sad and angry that that's it. The thought of a woman's intimate smell grosses me out a bit. It makes me uncomfortable to think about being that physically close to a girl, but there's part of me that fears that that's because secretly this tension is wanting to rip her clothes off. the thought of sex with a woman used to gross me out, but I've thought about it so much by now that it's like I'm resigned to it. That I just gotta bite the bullet admit I'm straight n never experience the wonder of being with a man again. Would I even see it as wonder if I had sex with a woman? Would that experience just blow gay sex outta the water?

How do I know I'm not just in denial? People say that you know deep down which ay the wind blows, but my heart and my head can't seem to agree on a deep down...I sorta feel like I don't even fancy guys these days. Like I pretty much only watch gay porn but it's all about the cock. I find faultsin every guy I meet, n if I go out on a night out I get so stressed out that I'm not really gay and that everyone is gonna turn around and tell me I'm a big fraud that I wanna leave. I look around n see 2 or 3 guys I think I could fancy but I quickly discount them cos of stupid reasons. But in the same breath if I talk to a guy online n we cam chat n he shows me his muscles I'm heaving breathing n hard in seconds.

I tried dating a girl earlier this year. She was pretty n interesting n charming, n I spent the entire time uncomfortable n a little bit bored. (She wasn't one of the terrifying heat women) By the end of the night we were kissing (no boner) n she was asking me back to hers and telling me that she was wet for me. No boner. None. So I didn't go through with it. Did I not go through with it cos I wasn't interested, or cos I was so afraid of liking it? What the hell does that tell you. If I was kissing a guy n he tld me he was hard for me I'd be turned on. I'd probably not be able to get a boner though cos I'd also be hyper attentively analysing my erection n despairing at it's lack cos that must men I'm straight right?

So I'm gonna stop writing now. I've never really talked about this stuff. I've had a counsellar but I had to move for my job n I'm trying hypnotherapy to help reduce my general anxiety. I look forward to hearing from you

It's definitely sounds like the typical case of HOCD. You need to be careful with porn IMO. You mention you still watch gay porn, but are you watching it because you enjoy it or watching it to check yourself? Either way I'd lay off of it for a few days to see if your worries ease a little bit.

And don't try dating women or doing anything with them, checking only strengthens doubts.

MadraRua wrote:So I have a long n messed up history but it all leads to me being 31 years old HIV+ gay man who thinks he's actually straight.

You can completely forget about the possibility that you're heterosexual. You've been sexually aroused by men and have enjoyed sexual activity with men, which immediately excludes you from being heterosexual. What we're talking about here is, at the most, the possibility of you being bisexual.

MadraRua wrote:Now pretty much everytime I see a pretty girl or see a girl on tv or even think the word girl I feel a twinge in my crotch. I don't get that when I see a hot guy, When I get hard with a guy it just goes up there's no twitching, no tingling, just hard.

This 'twinge' is something I've experienced myself; it's anxiety. It's exactly what people feel when they see something they don't like sexually.

MadraRua wrote:So I was having this twitch thing going on n it was freaking me out, but I wasn't saying anything cos I didn't know what it meant, n no offence to straight people but I don't wanna be straight.

Even though it's an underlying anxiety disorder causing these thoughts, a general attitude of "I don't want to be x", when x is something beyond your control, is what underpins the formation of sexuality-related anxiety. Even somebody with an anxiety disorder would be unlikely to develop this specific form of OCD if they didn't place irrational weight in the sexual they end up as. Truth is, if it did turn out you were bisexual (or even, by some quantum-mechanical miracle, you transitioned to actually being heterosexual) there'd be no negative repurcussions.

MadraRua wrote:I love men, I love the smell of them, they way they feel when they hold me, their breath n their kisses. But do I really? Or is that just a lie I've been telling myself my whole life? Now when I'm with a guy I get so nervous that I don't fancy him, that I kill my hard on.

Here we have the self-perpetuating loop of irrational thinking that every single form of OCD is based upon. The treatment is simple; you need to actively choke these thoughts when they occur. When you're in a sexual situation, you need to actively prevent yourself dwelling on this issue and adopt a mindset of "just act". As soon as you do, your mind will immediately recognise how futile your worry was and simply stop associating these scenarios with anxiety.

MadraRua wrote:Recently I've noticed that when I'm around pretty girls I get really hot n bothered. This has been a problem more in the last year but it's happened a few times when I'm presented with a properly beautiful woman. I don't ever get hard or generally feel crotch stuff but I feel like I'm burning. Sometimes my hands tingle n I just wanna get away. If this the 'hot n bothered' feeling people describe when they really fancy someone?

Again, this is clearly not sexual arousal - this is anxiety.

MadraRua wrote:Does the fact that women can create such an incredible fear in me indicate that I'm more attracted to them, that they have this power over me?

Once again, classic symptoms of anxiety. You need to begin cutting these thoughts off as they occur. You're not a fool; you know what sexual arousal is, clearly this is not sexual arousal, it's sexuality anxiety.

MadraRua wrote:I try to combat this fear by embracing it, forcing myself to talk to them,if I think no one can see I'll stare at their tits or arse to see if it makes me hard, but i only ever get this weird feeling like my cocks plumpling up slightly. I never get that plumping up feeling with guys, I'm either hard, or I'm semi, or I'm soft

This is a classic sexual anxiety ritual - "testing yourself". You need to begin recognising when you're doing a "self-test", which is a ritual designed to ease your own anxiety, and simply stop. These tests prove nothing and they only perpetuate your anxious feelings. As is the always case with ritual preventation therapy, as soon as you recognise that giving yourself "tests" is causing you anxiety in the long run and stop doing it, your anxiety itself will vanish. With OCD these rituals are both symptom and cause of the disorder.

MadraRua wrote:I read about straight HOCD sufferers being disgusted by thoughts of sex with other men, but i'm not disgusted by thoughts of sex with women (even typing that phrase there's a creeping feeling in my crotch like my cocks getting ready to get hard). It just makes me sad and angry that that's it. The thought of a woman's intimate smell grosses me out a bit. It makes me uncomfortable to think about being that physically close to a girl, but there's part of me that fears that that's because secretly this tension is wanting to rip her clothes off.

The reason people with homosexual OCD feel "disgusted" by the thoughts of sex with men is because there's a stigma attached to homosexuality. That said, it's quite clear that you do feel what I would call disgust at the thought of being close to a woman, so you're much closer to a heterosexual person with sexuality anxiety than you'd think.

MadraRua wrote:How do I know I'm not just in denial? People say that you know deep down which ay the wind blows, but my heart and my head can't seem to agree on a deep down...I sorta feel like I don't even fancy guys these days.

You don't fancy men because you can no longer separate your sexuality anxiety from your sexuality.

For you the solution is the same as for anyone with sexuality anxiety - you need to begin confronting your anxieties. I believe you've given a relatively shallow idea of your rituals, which I suspect are more numeroust han you've let on, but read the wikipedia article on exposure and ritual prevention, as it contains all the theory you need to defeat this disorder yourself.

Thanks for your replies guys. It's tough to chat about this, expecially cos the majority of cases on here are homosexual OCD.

Yeah I think my rituals are probably a bit deeper than I've let on here, like I said I've had nearly ten years of this being a major problem for me. Tis hard to deprogram all the programs I wrote for myself thinking they would protect me. Things like I'll notice what a beautiful colour a girls eyes are, or how pretty she is n I'll immediately start looking for a guy to see if he provokes the same kinda 'wow that's beautiful' feeling

ScienceAndCake wrote:
You can completely forget about the possibility that you're heterosexual. You've been sexually aroused by men and have enjoyed sexual activity with men, which immediately excludes you from being heterosexual. What we're talking about here is, at the most, the possibility of you being bisexual.

Ok and I hear what you're saying. But what about gay men who come out late in life having had a happy and fulfilled marriage? They've had kids, they've regularly had sex with their wife which they have enjoyed, it just hasn't been 'right' you know? What's the difference between them enjoying themselves with a woman, and me enjoying myself with a man?

As for the hot and bothered feeling. Has anyone else experienced that?

I also find the idea of being bi intolerable, cos then I've been denying half of myself my entire life. And cos female sexuality cos such surges of anxiety in me if would mean that I'm obviously more attracted to women than men meaning that I might as well be straight cos I can never be emotionally happy with a man,

It's pretty true that anxiety destroys my enjoyment and my relationships. It ruined my last relationship pretty much dead.

MadraRua wrote:Yeah I think my rituals are probably a bit deeper than I've let on here, like I said I've had nearly ten years of this being a major problem for me. Tis hard to deprogram all the programs I wrote for myself thinking they would protect me.

No it's not. Everyone suffering from OCD is only about a week away from practical freedom from anxiety, no matter how many years they may have had the condition or how severe it is (believe me, I know this from painful personal experience). I want you to make sure you followed my advice about reading the wikipedia article so that you comprehend why I am suggesting what I am suggesting as treatment.

I do empathise though - nobody with OCD wants to stop their rituals, everyone feels resistance to it. If your willpower is genuinely too weak to even attempt to stop testing yourself and perform self-assurance rituals you will be one of those people who never recovers, so make damned certain you're one of the strong ones who managed.

MadraRua wrote:Things like I'll notice what a beautiful colour a girls eyes are, or how pretty she is n I'll immediately start looking for a guy to see if he provokes the same kinda 'wow that's beautiful' feeling

ScienceAndCake wrote:

MadraRua wrote: But what about gay men who come out late in life having had a happy and fulfilled marriage? They've had kids, they've regularly had sex with their wife which they have enjoyed, it just hasn't been 'right' you know?

You're describing bisexual men. Remember that "homosexual", "heterosexual" and "bisexual" are just words that describe the behaviour of a sexual creature like a human. If a man has sex with both men and women and enjoys both, even if he prefers the sex with a man, that is a bisexual man.

It would be very therapeutic of you to recognise this and allow yourself to be vulnerable to the possibility of not being "gay". I want to add that I believe you are a gay man, not bisexual, however your anxiety at the possibiltiy of being bisexual or heterosexual is based on the fact you fear those outcomes, but there is nothing to fear at all. This is the "exposure" part of exposure and ritual prevention, and often merely accepting an outcome you cannot control can completely remove your symptoms, although ritual prevention is almost always necessary too.

MadraRua wrote:
I also find the idea of being bi intolerable, cos then I've been denying half of myself my entire life. And cos female sexuality cos such surges of anxiety in me if would mean that I'm obviously more attracted to women than men meaning that I might as well be straight cos I can never be emotionally happy with a man,

I hope you're able to appreciate how this type of thinking regarding 'bad' sexualities you want to avoid is one of the reasons why your sexuality creates such anxiety in you. Are you able to see this?

MadraRua wrote:
It's pretty true that anxiety destroys my enjoyment and my relationships. It ruined my last relationship pretty much dead.

I am sorry to hear that, I hope you use this unfortunate fact as a reason to examine and try some of the advice I'm giving you. I get the feeling you're of above average intelligence, so I do want you to really make sure you study exposure and ritual prevention and think about how you can apply it to yourself, because I promise you that this is how OCD is broken in the world of psychiatric medicine, and I believe you're capable of applying its principles to yourself and understanding why it will remove your symptoms.