Help Please/Grandma sick

Hi

I am a 31 year old Man down in Florida, since age 17 approximately I have been diagnosed with Depression/Anxiety/OCD/ADD/ADHD and Panic attacks. General Anxiety. I have taken the same meds Seraltine 100mg once a day and Alpraozam(xan) 0.5 twice a day. *used to 3x a day*and zoloft was 150 mg but then lowered. I tried paxil did not go well (long ago) and forgot the other one. Anyhow, I was born/raised in the faith, at Age 28 I became Confirmed(my family is devout but some reason we were always told it would cost. I know i know,Hindsight.) anyhow,I go to Mass on Sundays but haven't gone in a month.That's how my Anxiety has been lately. my Grandma had a Stroke in Dec,She can recall/talk thank the lord and I am grateful,but every morning My fear is what If .. I grew up with her and ma and my brother. they are all great Support. But I've lost anyone shes only 80 and I am scared.Yesterday for no reason I cried when I woke up? almost all day. I need to be strong but sometimes let my fears get the best of me. I see a therapist and a Psych. I pray the rosary/st.dymphna/stations I read. i listen to Nun's singing to sleep.

Hi jl1!
although you do not say it right out loud, you make a strong connection between your fears and your belief. I am also catholic, I also pray the rosary etc. But I have learned through the years,
to rinse a bit the way I believe and how I express it.

I am older than you and come from the generation of the mea culpa, everything was a sin and we were constantly menaced instead of reassured. At least that is how I received and interpreted the message. It has taken me a long long time, lots of questioning, to dare to make some changes.

No it is not because you did not go to mass, or did not pray the rosary that your oma or someone you love will die, it is simply the way life is.
I would begin working on two aspects of my faith if I might suggest it.
one...is what you think about death...like a friend in few words said it: the best is yet to come.
we believe that death is just a passage to a better life with Jesus.

the other is who is Jesus to you, he is not the image of the vengeance God of the oud testament, he is merciful and loving....so he will not be counting masses and rosaries...these help us to be in tune with him, but getting to know him, through his word and deeds is what help us to understand who he really is.

religion takes the clothing of the culture it lives in...sometimes it can distort the essence of what we believe....
I am also by nature afraid....it is my faith that helps me to move on, even with the fear..this will not stop me....like a smog curtain...because with Him we can move forward.
write what you feel an dare to dig in.!! I wish you well!!