Got way too drunk for my birthday :/

Last week I got way too drunk the day before my birthday and hung out with my cousins at one of their apartments and now I can't stop freaking out about the whole night. Here is a message I sent my bf about it that explains the night:

So I’m still really upset about the other night and I wanted to tell you about it last night but I didn't... I just need to get it off my chest. So it was my older cousin, my younger cousin, his girlfriend and me that all were hanging out. I got way too drunk like I said and everything from my memory is pretty blurry. I remember earlier in the night sitting outside on the patio at one of the bars and my cousin told me to flash these people up way up on the balcony. At first I said no but then I thought it would be funny and my cousin’s girlfriend and me did it a couple times. I think we were chilling on the patio for awhile and then we went swimming in the river. I had a swimsuit underneath so it was no big deal until my cousin was talking about skinny dipping and I didn't want to but eventually all four of us did. I remember him trying to swim towards me and grab me but I swam away and I felt weird every time he got too close to me. I was swimming around for awhile and the current kept dragging me back and the rocks were sharp so eventually I got out and put my clothes back on. When I stood up though I feel back down on the rocks and that’s why my legs are messed up. I remember them talking about our boobs or something about wanting to feel them and I got mad and said no but instead me and her felt each others really quick and I feel really REALLY weird about that even though it was for like a second. I can’t remember if she asked me to or they did. I know I was mad that my older cousin was trying to touch her because he does the same $#%^ to me and it pisses me off... I just feel like a weirdo mainly cause I'm quite a bit older than her. After that we went back to his apartment and my younger cousin took his girlfriend home and my other cousin said we were going back to the bar which was stupid cause I already had way too much to drink. My other cousin came up there after he got back and we went back out on the patio where they got me to flash them again and I think I was sitting there with my swimsuit top up for a bit until they tried grabbing me and I got mad.. then I remember trying to climb the gate to get off the patio but I think I fell and after that I don’t remember anything. According to my cousin after that we just went back to the apartment and crashed.. but I don’t really trust them, especially my older cousin so I get scared sometimes. I just feel upset, disgusted, and horrible with everything. The three of them all act like it was fun and we were just hanging out and are making me feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I hope you don't hate me.. I just really needed to get this off my chest cause it’s been upsetting me all weekend. Like I said.. I’m DONE drinking completely as it causes most all the problems I run into. It’s something I NEED to do.

My cousin's girlfriend is 16 and I just turned 23 and I feel really weird about touching her boob even though she doesn't care and told me I only did it cause my cousins asked me to and she touched mine to. It wasn't anything that weird I guess but I don't know I can't stop freaking out about it cause she's a lot younger. My cousins are weird, especially the older one who is like 32. He always instigates things and it pisses me off. Ugh I've been having really bad anxiety about everything for the past few days and just feel depressed.

Can a mod move this to the OCD section? That's where I meant to post it!

I understand why you are freaked out, but if she is ok with it you should just take it as a drunken mistake and not do it again. I have the same problem with getting carried away when I drink, so I don't go to bars at all any more. I had actually french kissed a girl and I'm not gay at all. If I drink I do it at home or it gets me in trouble.

It's been over a week and I still am feeling really down because of this. Ughhhh why would I ever do that? I hardly remember doing it and I'm so pissed my older cousin would even tell me to do that. I don't think I used to have POCD and this is making me feel really bad and just disgusted with myself. I've been crying a lot lately too and I just want to feel better.

I seriously feel sick to my stomach over this!!! Like almost suicidal.. I know it wasn't done in a sexual way or anything but I don't understand why I would do that that even if I was wasted. I even had to go as far as looking up age of consent laws in my state which is 16, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I don't think I really knew how old she was at the time, but still I feel disgusted with myself. She isn't concerned about it all, but I just can't stop feeling horrible about it.

I told my closest cousin/best friend about this too and she says that it sounds like I just was drunk and didn't know what was going on and that my older cousin (her brother whom she isn't close with at all) is the one that was taking advantage of me when he should of been watching out for me.