Girlfriend with Relationship OCD (ROCD) - Please help

Hi
I've recently come across ROCD. 4 weeks ago my live in boyfriend of 2 years just walked out, he'd just been away to a friend's wedding for 4 nights and all he said was he was worried that he hadn't missed me enough and that that must mean something and he needed space to sort his head out but he knows he loves me so much. We were so happy during our time together it's left me devastated. All of our friends and family are so shocked because we were happy. Only 2 days before his trip he was begging me not to 'dump him' which was something he said regularly. I can't understand how you can go from loving somebody so much to just walking away. Before this I hadn't worried about his OCD, tidying up, making sure things were straight, he rang the bank everyday to check his balance and printed off a mini statement at the cash till every other day. He has obsessions with different things like golf or running, his weight, that his roof's going to fall down etc. I think he was obsessed with me, he constantly text and phoned me, he showed me so much love. It's only last weekend that one of my friends brought ROCD to my attention and when i started to read about ROCD I just thought this is exactly like him. I haven't mentioned ROCD to him as his tends to overthink things and some of what i've read mentions suicide which i cannot risk him seeing. I don't know what to do, i've had no contact at all with him for 9 days and it's killing me. I miss him and want him to come home so much. Do i mention ROCD to him or just let him walk away.

My girlfriend currently has the same problem. She has severe OCD with obsessive/intrusive thoughts in particular. Her thought about not loving me hasn't been her only intrusive thought, that's how I know everything she is going through is just OCD. Her thoughts about our relationship even change, now her thought is what if she cheats on me? I asked her well is that something you would actually want to do? She says no she is just afraid of it. I always tell her OCD is like a giant game of "what if"? I myself suffer from mild OCD so in a way I can understand her better. Still, it isn't fun not knowing what kind of thought pattern she is in one day or if she will respond to me intimately. I know deep down she loves me, even she says deep down she can't see herself without me. She told me I am the first guy she has TRULY loved and cared for. She says she wants to be with me and grow old, yet she has a fear of commitment. I told her she needs therapy as well in addition to her meds. I know once she figures out where that fear of commitment comes from we can make progress. I honestly think it has to do with her upbringing. Her father wasn't in her life one bit, she recently just met him a few years ago and he treats her like $#%^. It breaks my heart to see her get her hopes up and then have him flake last minute. Like anyone else that can relate I deal with all of this because this girl is far more than just a relationship. I love her like I have never loved anyone before. I honestly know deep down if we didn't make it I could not love again. She is far too important to me and feels like my other half. Anyone have advice on how to not let their thoughts get to you? Even though I understand her better than she does in some ways about her OCD, sometimes it really hurts me to hear her say those things. I really think maybe couple's counseling is in order, any thoughts?

I do not know how you can help her, all I can say is give her space, and if it is truly meant to be then yaw will come back together eventually. I know sitting there watching someone go through fighting themselves is tough, me and my boyfriend do this. He has autism, I have tourettes, with OCD, and we both have ADHD, but he also have ADD. So I kind of understand. I'm also bipolar, and to me it sounds like she is as well. Sometimes my boyfriend can say one thing and it really piss me off, and it isn't anything even that bad and I'll just ignore him and not want anything to do with him, then I feel awful in the end. And he sometimes will do that towards me, but we've reached a common ground on our mood swings, and can kind of tell when not to say something, which is pretty good since we've only been together 9 months and my ex that I was with for four years didn't have me figured out as much as my boyfriend does now.

As for OCD fits, I'm a clean freak, everything has a place and is supposed to be in it's place. But since I've moved in with my boyfriend that has dwindled and is not as bad, because honestly he is messy
>.< but I don't go on my freaky cleaning sprees as often.

I recommend giving her, her space but still being there for her, you never know she may need it one day. And try and get her to join forums, maybe even this one. Talking to others who have been in the situation may be a good thing for her, I know it helps me sometimes feel that I am not alone, and that there are others like me. It helps to hear how they cope and work through things. So it may be a good thing for her.

As for her saying she doesn't miss you and seeming numb. Sometimes girls do that. We try and suppress all we feel and keep everything bottled up and eventually the top bursts and we end up hurting those closest to us. Which could be the case here.

I hope for the best for you and her.

I appreciate the reply. Yeah the possibility of bi-polar with her is being discussed. A previous psychiatrist had mentioned she could be. She is currently in a depressive state, and I mean VERY depressed. Been sleeping all day for the past three days, won't eat, but she still puts her head on my chest at night and holds me. So that part makes me feel good. I think she is starting to see it as well. She will go through periods of staying up until 4 in the morning or not even sleeping at all. Making jewelry and organizing her room and not depressed but still having terrible anxiety/OCD. Then a few days later on she will fall into this depressive state. I know deep down it is bi-polar. It's just so tough to tell sometimes, she has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder as well as OCD and depression. So as you can see it's VERY hard to know what disorder is causing what symptoms. She is currently taking 100 mg of Zoloft, 200 mg of Lamictal, and 2 mg of Klonopin everyday. The Klonopin seems to be the only thing that brings her back to her old self. I really do love her SO MUCH it's crazy. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this way. I would do anything in this world to ensure her happiness.

Hopefully she will come out of this. I have a friend who battles something similar. She has PTSD and some days she does wonderful, but others all she will do is sleep. It causes a strain in her marriage. But her husband stands by her and tries to help her the best he can. He hates seeing her in the pain she is constantly in. I imagine you are going through the same thing. Just stick by her the best you can. If she will talk to people who go through what she is going through then get her doing that, it'll help in the long-run it'll show her she isn't alone and possibly new ways to cope. Her making jewelry is a wonderful way to cope. My mom used to do that when she battled depression. I draw and paint when I'm in a depressed state. Even writing can help, it gets it off your chest and most of the time allows you to feel tons better. I hope she soon gets out of what she is going through and that everything works for the best. You truly sound like you love her and want what is best for her and want her to be back to her old self.

I'm sorry to hear what you and your girlfriend are going through. It sounds like you're both really suffering!

Before I respond, I wanted to give you a little background on myself. I suffer from a number of issues, so sometimes, I don't know where my "warpy thoughts" are coming from. I have been diagnosed with OCD (responsibility), PTSD, bi-polar disorder and panic attacks.

I've read back and forth through your posts and the replies, but honestly, some of them I read lightly because I get a little antsy. haha. So, please forgive me if I have overlooked or misinterpreted something.

It's good that you're trying all you can to support your girlfriend. Unfortunately, reading your posts kinda made me want to hyperventilate just a teeny bit, so I can see how she's withdrawing. Your posts also made me feel a strong hit of compassion for my college boyfriend.

I want to tell you what happened with us - not for personal venting, but because I think it might shed a little bit of light on the situation. I had not yet been diagnosed with OCD or panic attacks. (I did not yet suffer from PTSD). Everything was blamed on my bipolar at that time. Something else that might be helpful to understand is that although panic attacks are simply that, they often feel like life or death. No amount of therapy, labels or medications I've been given have changed that. Sometimes, panic attacks feel like I really, truly must escape or it is the end. My heart rate often reaches over 150 bpm during a panic attack. Also, it isn't so easy to identify intrusive thoughts. Some, yes, because they're just not logical. The simple fact of anxiety and ruminating thoughts cannot identify an intrusive thought, though - for example, I'm sure you have those feelings about various things from your relationship right now.

This guy was sweet, smart, talented, funny, handsome and compassionate. Still, I started to have doubts and withdrew from him. The thoughts were fairly similar to what your girlfriend seems to be having. What if I cheat? Will I think he's as cute in 10 years as I do now? Maybe I'm holding him back? Maybe he's holding me back? I think those are pretty normal emotions when a relationship gets serious. Except, for OCD, bipolar, etc. people they may take on more weight.

Anyway, he did everything that would probably be right with a normal girl. He sent flowers. He called. He connected to my family and friends. The more I pulled back, the more he did. Looking back, I guess I was driving him crazy. He showed up on my balcony playing guitar and singing love songs. I called the guys next door and got them to make him leave. He even showed up with tickets to Las Vegas once. I totally freaked out. When I did spend time with him, he would try to touch me. Nothing invasive - try to hold my hand, pat my back. Except those were unwanted physical contact. And unwanted physical contact (no matter who from) feels like.... well, like what gave me PTSD. His friends felt sorry for him, so they'd call and pressure me. His mother even called me.

Long story short - I eventually called the police and got them to go to his house and tell him not to contact me anymore. I was in the middle of a panic attack, crying my eyes out, scared to death and the police took me very seriously. You know what he had done to trigger that attack? Sent me five dozen roses. (Bless his heart!!!)

Everything that should have been sweet was absolutely frightening!

I loved that guy - a lot. I still think a lot of him. If he could have backed off and not overwhelmed me, we'd probably still be together. Before I called the police, I had told him to back off. My roommate told him. My brother told him, pretty sternly. He just couldn't do it. He'd go a week or so, then suddenly, there would be these sappy greeting cards under my windshield wipers or some such.

So, if she's asking for space, then she's telling you exactly what she needs from you, in my humble opinion. Try to give her space. I think you're scaring her away.

I think she obviously still loves you. She wouldn't still be using your picture on social media if she didn't. She may even think of you as her boyfriend.

Here's my perspective - you want her to wait until she's better to make a decision. The thing is, though, if she's suffering from guilt related OCD, too, that may be what she's trying to do. She doesn't know how long it's going to take her to feel better. She's avoiding you to escape a trigger. If she's still officially your girlfriend, though, she hasn't escaped that trigger. She would have obligations to you on a lot of levels. If nothing else, she'd be holding you prisoner from moving on. I think she's probably just trying to relieve her own anxiety until she can figure out how to process it.

You, on the other hand, seem to need a label. That's perfectly normal. You don't want to lose her, you don't want her to move on to other men, etc. I think that the best thing for you to do right now is introspection. Rather than analyzing her and trying to show her how to get well, try to understand your own feelings, what you can handle and what you can not. You mentioned that you were willing to go to therapy with her. Are you willing to go to therapy on your own? You don't have to suffer from mental illness to benefit from therapy. My counselor even offers sessions that are designed to help people get their career goals in line. Maybe therapy can help you assess what you can and cannot handle with this relationship, what it is you really want, and how to process or handle those things.

Also, I think you need to pick one gear or the other. In your pain, you seem to be going back and forth between wanting to stay together or wanting an official break-up. That's understandable. You want closure - perfectly normal. But, I don't think it is helpful to try and collect jewelry, etc. from her if you want to stay together. What will you do with it, anyway? Sell it? Give it back to her when things are better and bring this episode back to mind? Those things were apparently gifts - try to leave it that way. Collecting one's things from the other is something people do out of anger following a breakup, not something that should actually be done.

If they're things you should have, I'm sure she'll return them to you when the time is right. I sent the aforementioned ex-boyfriend back most of the things he gave me. To be honest, I sold the jewelry and gave him the cash from it, because I couldn't stand the idea of him giving it to another girl. I know that was wrong, but...

I hope that you both find peace soon. My heart really and truly does go out to you. If anything in my post sounds judgemental, please know that wasn't my intention. I actually signed up just to respond to you (though I think I'll also benefit from this forum) because I hoped I could shine some light from the other side.

Peace!

My boyfriend had ROCD. A running theme I see with people with ROCD is that they think love is a feeling. For that reason, they try to test themselves for the presence of that feeling and for the presence of "butterflies" - some tangible proof the allay their doubts and fears. My take is that love is a choice. That feeling you so desperately seek only comes when both people
in the relationship have make the choice, subconsciously or otherwise to love each other. From that point on, the trust, comfort, care, respect and emotions that build bring the feelings that you crave. You cannot put the horse before the cart. Yes, infatuation is the thrill that leads many of us astray but real love only comes after you make the decision to love. You do that by acting in a loving way with your partner. Having said that, that does not then cure OCD, so the battle still remains.

I know my reply is three months from when you originally posted your question. As I read it, I was thinking 'finally, someone in the same situation as me and is going through the same things as me. I have been in a relationship for six years, with a woman that was diagnosed with OCD in her teens(she is now in her mid-40's). Like you, we were friends before we started dating(she asked me). Our families also get along.

In my situation, it was like a switched flipped in Nov.'2011. Then when a friend nearly died in July of 2012, my SO said I should go live with that friend. She even said I should find someone better and more stable than her. I told her there isn't anyone better than her. My SO said recently, she couldn't give me what I wanted(she has never answered my question, as to what she thinks I want). I refuse to move on, because I know it is her OCD talking, instead of her, and would get worse, if I agreed to break up with her.

When looked for support on an OCD support e-mail list, several members of the group, that do have OCD, started accusing me of being ignorant and got all defensive. That group has several world-renowned OCD practitioners, so I was still not getting much support.

I have been unquestionably supportive of my SO. The only part that gets' to me, is the periods of no communication. Six years ago, we would be on the phone for upwards of six hours a night. Now we talk very little. Sure there is also e-mail, Yahoo IM, and Facebook. But the same thing has been happening there. I actually asked her recently, if she wanted to break up with me. She said 'no'. She even recently said she wanted to join an online support group for one of my physical health problems. While that and her not wanting to break up are positive. Sometimes I go between wanting to believe the 'positive stuff', and knowing the 'negative stuff' is usually her OCD talking, instead of her.

I recently stumbled on Mark Freeman's videos on you tube. (Search for Mark Freeman OCD on youtube). The videos helped me understand so much about OCD. I realized that the reassurance I gave my boyfriend, which I thought was love and support, probably made his OCD worse. There is help for OCD, but it does not get better on its own. It takes a change in behaviour. The more I read about and understand OCD, I realize that we all react to our minds and thoughts in ways that aren't healthy. The OCD sufferer just does the same thing at a much more destructive level.

Hi Andpro,

I have been dealing with same issues with girlfriend of 3 years but someone that I have known for almost 12 yrs. She goes from happy being a wonderful girlfriend to telling me that she doesn't have feelings and becomes numb and heartless. She eventually returns apologizing and telling me that she misses me, but not until after heart break and pain on both our ends. The last time it took months before she returned, but I know she loves me, but its the hardest thing to go through over over again. Im not sure how many times I can continue this. Very challenging for me as I suffer from my own depression problems.

I wish I had the answers to help us, or to at least help her, but its hard to get through to her once she gets to this point.