POCD and asexual: anxiety amplified

I'm scared. Although I've been able to recognize my intrusive perverted thoughts and fears as just irrational, OCD-generated things and just filtered them out as the background noise they are, and although my POCD-related anxiety- and panic attacks have lessened, I'm still scared that I might just be a pedophile in denial. Here's why:

- As I mentioned in this post sexual-disorder/topic112136.html , I don't associate feelings in my genitals with sex at all: mostly they just express pleasure and anxiety. I don't want to have relationships with anyone, and I'm content taking care of my libido by masturbating. And although I do get feelings down there when I see children, it's more like the pleasure you'd get from watching cute kittens play or something: it's more like "aaw, that's a cute child" mixed with anxiety and fear over the fact that it's a child than anything else, definitely NOT sexual. I'm mildly scared to even feel anything about children or think of them as cute and endearing because of this.

- I had a phase in my life in which, because I didn't recognize them for what they were, I used to corroborate my intrusive thoughts by masturbating to them and seeking out erotica related to them. Although I saw that what I was doing was wrong, managed to stop this toxic habit and am now masturbating to consensual adult erotica, my fears are fueled by the fact that by doing this, I "acted" on the thoughts, despite the fact that I've never even had actual sexual feelings for actual children to begin with, just intrusive, unwanted mental images and impulses that began when I first stopped masturbating to the thoughts. On my good days, I can just shrug this off as youthful exploration, but my anxiety loves to throw this past habit in my face and trap me in the past, showing me images that I used to masturbate to and despite how many times I tell myself "no, I don't want these things in my mind anymore" and try to neutralize them by turning them into cute, wholesome pictures instead, they don't stop. Though as I said, lately it's been easier to just shift these thoughts to the background and treat them as brain noise that doesn't reflect who I am and what I want.

- I am introverted and socially awkward (mostly due to my Asperger's Syndrome), which, according to what I have read, is one of the signs of a pedophile.

Logically, I know I can't be a pedophile: I don't think that children are sexual beings and the idea of an adult having an intimate sexual or romantic relationship with a child is something that disturbs me and makes me feel sick and uncomfortable, because I know it to be wrong. I have not had sexual contact with children, and it's not something I want to ever do despite the intrusive mental images and thoughts. Children are children; they're supposed to be taken care of and protected by those older than them, not taken advantage of in mock "loving" relationships. I've even tried to simulate situations in which I'd have the chance to do something sexual with a child and not get caught, and every time I've arrived at the same conclusion: that I don't want to do anything like that with children, and if I accidentally did do something like that I'd never be able to rationalize it to myself or forgive myself.

I know everything in the above paragraph to be true, yet the uncertainty just won't go away. When my anxiety starts up, it's like someone saying "pedophile, pedophile, you're not allowed to be happy, your life has no worth, you're not supposed to be around normal people" and drowning out everything else. During the worst anxiety spikes, I start to think that I should castrate myself and cut off my fingers or exile myself away so that I would never hurt a child. I am honestly scared of feeling anything or enjoying anything because of these thoughts always popping up, and I am constantly triggered by romantic and sexual content in the media which makes my anxiety say "bet you'd like that with a child, pervert", even though I really don't.

I know I should probably find professional help, but how would I even explain this to them? I'm scared of being mislabelled as something I'm not.

I understand how awfully painful and distressing this must be for you. But you have to realise that since you don't want to do this, and the thoughts distress that you are unlikely to be a paedophile or ever follow through with the thoughts.

This is the thing iwth obsessive thoughts. They are unwanted thoughts. ideas that seem to be against your values. I once spoke to a mother who had thoughts like yours but hers were about harming her baby. She was absolutely terrified that she might "accidentally" do something. Well i don't think you can accidentally do anything you don't want to do.

You said you've become quite successful at backgrounding this thoughts. Maybe just keep on doing while you work on reducing your stress levels. Because i am sure you know by now that your anxiety and unwanted thoughts are exacerbated by stress. Deal with the stress. If something is causing your stress, deal with that. Get help with it.

And also if you are seeing a therapist, maybe you can talk about these thoughts you mention to him/her. I"im sure they will not doubt your sincerity since they also know that OCD people do not want to act on their obsessive thoughts. If you can talk to them, you will probably feel more confident that of yourself as not being a paedophile.

Thank you so much for replying! I guess I'm scared because I don't really fit the "norm" of OCD: I'm not compelled to count stuff, I'm not in a relationship etc. Since asexuality and my way of perceiving my genital feelings as non-sexual and rejecting the sexual relations isn't really the norm in society, I'm scared that I'm just trying to grasp at straws to avoid facing my nonexistent pedophilia. Also, the feelings of happiness and anxiety are so close to each other down there that I'm anxious to be happy and take pleasure in things at all hiding in aloof, detached numbness instead. It's the worst when I look at sexual material or have morning arousal, I think it would be a lot easier to just go to sleep and never wake up, so I wouldn't hurt anyone.

I think I just need to get it into my head that what I'm feeling isn't sexual, despite the anxiety and the unwanted thoughts linking it with that. I should just push these thoughts to the background and not be afraid to take pleasure from things. I should not be afraid to be happy. I should not be afraid to do the things I want to do. I am not a sick pervert for enjoying things, despite what my mind tells me.

The thoughts will be there, I know this: I just need to ignore them like the background static they are, and they will fade into the background. The fears will be there too: I just need to remember that they, too, will pass. The doubt will be there as well: I must simply accept that my mind doesn't exactly like to work together with me, and remember that while these thoughts and fears are a part of me, they do not define me. I must have the wisdom to keep knowing which thoughts are bad and which are good, filter out the unenjoyable and unacceptable ones to the extent of my ability and just chill out with the okay, wholesome, comfortable ones.

There will be good days and bad days. I can only hope that the good will outnumber the bad.