Newbie....my story

Hi i just joined and wanted to share my story and get some advice from people who can relate. Well i have had anxiety since i was a kid, im 29 now and it started with a fast heart beat that used to scare me to death as i had no idea what it was. It would last a couple of days then pass. By the time i was 16 and working it got really bad and i think stress at work didnt help, but i went to my GP and they tried to put me on meds but i refused. I went to the library and got a book by Dr. Claire Weekes and i read it and basically it cured me. Just understanding what was happening to me and my body helped me get over it.

Ive got by for years and been ok, i still get it but i ignore it. The other thing that used to bother me was having crazy thoughts like if i didnt do a certain task in a certain time something bad would happen like one of my parents would die or something. I used to just tell myself this is silly and carry on and that never evolved into anything else. However a few months ago i started having these thoughts again at work whilst doing my job and the fast heart beat keeps coming again too because i think im trying to do too much and hate leaving something which isnt complete so this is making me stressed.

I have developed other habits like being aware of germs too much especially in public toilets i hate touching the door handle to leave after ive just washed my hands as they feel dirty again. When i get cups or cutlery out of the cupboard at home i wash it again even tho its clean. This is not something i cant cope with because i dont think its too bad but i have also started having the worst obsessive thoughts over the last few months and they have brought back all my other panic symptoms back with them and i cant stop them theyre constant everyday all day. They are taking over and the thoughts are horrible like about me killing people (i never would) but i see the images in my head and it makes me feel sick. I know theyre just thoughts but i think because ive become afraid of them the fear is making me think of them all the time like a vicious cycle.

Its always the people i love the most too maybe its a fear of losing them or something. I actually know where it all started though too, i was watching halloween and the little girl kills her mother and i thought how horrible that was and then the thoughts were of me doing it. I feel like im going mental sometimes and ive been back to my GP and they tried to give me meds again but i refused im not keen on them theres too many side effects and i think they only mask the problem not cure it.

Ive been referred for CBT but waiting still and im considering hypnosis but not sure if it works would love to hear from people who have tried it. Im hoping over time they will fade because its fairly new to me so i need advice from people who suffer from these obsessive thoughts, i need some hope. Its hard for me to talk to my family or boyfriend about this because of the type of thoughts i have i dont want them thinking im a psycho. Im a normal person who had one bad thought that just led to more and more. Ive tried reading the books again and theyre good but theyre not helping this time. Please any advice is appreciated

Cal,
welcome to the forums. I think you will find that you are among many who can relate to what you are going through.

The only advice that I can think of at the moment is to talk with your therapist and to try to go with what they suggest-- at least give it a try. Have an open mind and attitude that it will get better.

I wish you luck.

Hey, I can relate to your story. I'm around your age and have had untreated OCD basically since I was very young. It
was never that bad though and I could easily function with it. It got worse in my 20's when I was finishing college and had more stress in my life. Then I started having panic attacks and decided to officially tackle this problem.

Two books that I bought and have really helped me are "Freedom from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder" by Dr. Jonathan Grayson and "Don't Panic" by E. Reid Wilson. It sounds to me like you have OCD w/ perfection rituals and contamination rituals. You need to do exposure and response prevention every day to get better. It's hard and I'm still trying to do it, but I think it has definitely helped me. I am not on medication and no longer have the panic attacks, which were very severe and required multiple visits to the hospital.

I would say definitely buy the book by Jon Grayson and read as much as you can (it's like 300 pages). I've probably read the whole thing twice already and remember things every time I turn to it. You basically have to make a hierarchy of the situations and thoughts that you worry about and rank them based on what scares you most. Then force yourself into these situations and do no rituals to relieve the anxiety.

One thing that was eye-opening to me was making a daily self-monitoring log. Throughout the day notice any little rituals you do and for how long and jot it down. Do this for 3 days and count all the time you spend on all the little things that seem minor at the time. Making this log eliminated any doubt I had about whether or not I had OCD.

I still have trouble doing some exposures, but I try to minimize any rituals I do throughout the day.
Every time you do a ritual you are reinforcing the behavior as a response to anxiety. It's critical to recognize all the rituals you do and stop doing as many as you can, because they build on each other.

Another piece of advice I have is getting outdoor cardio exercise every day and eating a healthier diet. Try to minimize salty and greasy food and eat more produce.

Hope this helped!

Hi thanks for the replies. I think mine is the obsessive thoughts more than anythin else. The rest i can cope with ok.Ive had it a long time have learnt how to control the minor things but the thoughts are still a new thing and are whats scaring me. Im trying to just think of them then laugh them off cus theyre so silly. There are worse things in the world we should be scared of. I keep telling myself this and why should i let these thoughts take over and ruin my day or my life. The only thing is i want help now incase it gets worse later on untreated.