PLEASE...IS THIS OCD OR NOT?

Hi everyone, I'm a first time poster. Please read my story
I'm just really really confused and scared whether I have ocd or not...and I would really like as much comments as to what Is it that i could have please...please read i know it's a long one but please iam really suffering and I would appreciate even 1 sentence responses...PLEASE I KNOW IT'S LONG BUT IT'S KILLING ME..

Ok...a couple of months ago I know for sure that I have OCD (self diagnosed) because it was really severe and it really effected my life. My OCD is to do with religion. So basically before, I would get blasphemous thoughts that were really disturbing and they would affect my prayer, my meditation, my college..practically everything and everytime these thoughts appeared, I would spend ages trying to solve my problem and finding proofs as to why I don't believe in the thoughts and I would write them down and I would think them to myself throughout the whole day...and most times I would be doing this for ages and they won't SINK in and I resort to crying...I just lie down and cry and Wish that my life was over because of these DISGUSTING thoughts...everytime Iam around religious symbols or I see them..I have this sudden reaction in my head and I automatically start thinking about why I don't believe these thoughts or why iam NOT what my ocd is telling me...I have this sudden reaction in my head and I automatically start thinking about why I don't believe these thoughts or why iam NOT what my ocd is telling me..i have the word Satan repeated when ever i do anything remotely related to my faith especially me prayers LIKE EVERYTIME...it creeps in and i can feel the thought there, its presence always in my head....thoughts like Satan could be God, imagine satan being God(I feel sick writing this one..I wish I didn't ugh) u might be worshipping Satan or u might become a satanist or might be one secretly or might secretly secretly want to be one ...or just the word Satan popping up whenever i wanna do something related to my faith thoughts like U might become a satanist or might be one secretly or might secretly secretly want to be one ...as usual I cry afterwards coz I don't get enough certainty and am still ruminating..so I end up not leaving the house and not watching tv or anything that could trigger these thoughts...of course they get worse coz when I do end up going outside it the anxiety comes back triple the strength... Like I was physically and mentally exhausted from the anxiety and the thoughts...

During this phase I didn't know what I had so I researched and was 1000000% sure I have OCD..and I 1000% sure that it WASN'T ME....so I went to see a psychiatrist and he did like a brief examination and asked me about the intrusive thoughts and my reactions to them and he's like "yep, u have OCD" so he put me on 20 mg of Prozac. He increased my dose after some time. I had stopped seeing that psychiatrist coz i moved and have one appointment in a couple of months time with a new one..

Buuuuut, the thing is that now the intensity of the anxiety is way less and I don't do much avoidance or as much crying and I don't constantly engage in my thoughts but I still do sometimes and I think it's the medication (hopefully)... But now I'm in a state of massive confusion because I feel like since the intensity of the anxiety has decreased and am not doing as much avoidance...I'm actually thinking to myself u might actually want to be a satanist deep down and am just in denial..or iam a hypocrite coz I'm just pretending to be religious on the outside but deep down, even though it scares me, that iam a satanist or i want to worship him FOR NO LOGICAL REASON...like I might just be using OCD as an excuse for my true wants! maybe I secretly desire it...deep deep down....and am thinking like "what if I lose my religion and end up being a satanist, what if I'm getting closer to become a satanist...like I actually think that one day I will straight up want to be a satanist and I'd just follow these thoughts even though they will COMPLETELY destroy me. I'm actually doubting my OCD and it scares the crap out of me because I DON'T know what iam anymore??. Do I have OCD or am i just in denial about being a secret satanist or wanting to be one???Iam so confused...y had the anxiety decreased and why am I not responding to my thoughts when I get them...I feel like sometimes iam actually triggering these thoughts on purpose or purposely doing nothing as response to the thoughts coz If I don't respond it means iam starting to accept them and am starting to like it........I know u are not meant to respond to them and I know u have to put urself in situations where u have to trigger your thoughts and u have to learn how not to respond to them but I'm scared that am slowly becoming a satanist or accepting it secretly and I feel SICK...and since I'm not with my psychiatrist anymore I decided to do some exposure therapy myself and exposure myself to pure satanic situation but when I do that I feel like "what if I end up accepting them and believe them completely and i leave my religion" And when I'm around stuff related to my religion I keep questioning myself EVERY SINGLE TIME " are u truly a religious person? U wouldn't have these thoughts if u truly believed...maybe I'm pretending? Do you truly believe? And I feel guilty and I feel like I lost my religion or don't truly believe..I don't know....it's really scaring me.......I'm like super aware of what I do with my religion and I start questioning myself if its genuine or not? And I feel like iam preparing myself and dreading the day I actually accept of become a satanist...like I can FEEL its drawing closer even though I would have to be straight up nuts to accept it despite all my logical reasoning.....especially with the exposure therapy I do by myself I feel like ur preparing your self for the day I actually do accept it....I want to do the exposure therapy but I CAN'T because if these thoughts...
I REALLY DON'T KNOW...I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING and CRYING because I'm screwed either way...coz i feel like i dont have OCD and this is my secret intentions OR if i do have OCD then I won't be able to face my fears coz of these thoughts when I do the ERP like it would result in me actually wanting it....So so CONFUSED I feel like I lost my self..


Please tell me what's wrong with me and if this is normal for OCD or if its really me deep down.....and if it is still OCD (which I doubt), how should i tackle my exposure therapy by myself...please I would appreciate anyone's input. I've been googling like mad to make sure it's OCD but iam still NOT convinced and iam soooo scared of what would happen to me later on..

Have I lost the initial severe OCD that I had and started wanting this? Is this even OCD anymore? What should I do?

Bubbly,
I'm no professional by no means, just some one who understands a bit of what you are going through. I hope you can take what I'm saying with that in mind.

It sounds like you are really still suffering from the strong obsessive component of OCD. With that in mind I think it would be a good idea to go back to the psych and explain to them the thoughts that you have been having and the severity of them.

I know personally how troublesome it can be when the obsessive thoughts surround religion. They make you question whether you are evil or good, they make you question eternity and your place in it. They can also make you question everything that you thought that you believed for your entire life.

I do know what you are going through. I do hope you will seek some help to work through some of those answers as I have. It can be a lot of help. It is extremely hard to do alone.

Thanks...really
Can I just ask...did u have this type of ocd too? And have you fully recovered?